Tank running on empty

Discussion in 'Suicidal Thoughts and Feelings' started by devoidofhope, Nov 4, 2007.

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  1. devoidofhope

    devoidofhope Member

    What is the point? What is the fucking point?

    I was born. I was bullied mercilessly all throughout grade school. My peers would slam me into lockers, gang up on me, insult the way I look, talk shit about me to my face AND behind my back, go out of their way to make me feel terrible about myself, pull pranks on me and then laugh, and even try to light my hair on fire with a lighter. Switching schools several times didn't help. Every social situation between kindergarten and university commencement was traumatic and contributed to my inferiority complex. Ten years ago, my best friend moved and I haven't had a friend since. I am 25 and am still a virgin - and not by choice, either. I have never had a girlfriend. Never even had a girl interested in me. In fact, girls go out of their way to make a point that they are NOT interested in me. Meanwhile, all these little teenage fuckers are fucking like rabbits. I want to kill every one of them. I can't take it anymore. I just can't take it. My job is stressful and I receive absolutely no recognition for my efforts. I worked hard to earn my boss a four-figure check last week, and when I showed it to her, all she had to say was, "Why did you go through the mail before *I* got to?" That wasn't the first time I was criticized when I should have been commended, and it probably won't be the last. My family doesn't care about me and my health has been deteriorating over the past year. I had to go to the emergency room last night because of the extreme physical pain that I have been experiencing since April, when I was hospitalized out-of-town. My mental health has also been suffering. Between 1995 and 2005, I spoke with several counselors who did nothing for me, and tried antidepressants which made me feel even worse. Almost everyday over the past ten years, I have thought about committing suicide by jumping over Niagara Falls, which is only 10 minutes from where I live. No one has ever fucking cared about me. My own mother has always favored my brother, who doesn't even speak to anybody. He lives in his own fucking world; his fucking internet friends mean more to him than his own fucking brother, or anyone else for that fucking matter. My grandmother criticizes every fucking thing I do, and I don't speak with anyone else on either side of my family, with the exception of one of my cousins who usually ignores my e-mails. I feel like driving past a bunch of nightclubs one night and going on a killing spree before taking my own life. I was going to kill myself exactly a year ago, but decided not to. I should have killed myself when I was suicidal at 14... 19... 21... 23... and last year at 24. It would take a miracle for me to live to see my 26th birthday... something like actually attracting a girl for the first time in my fucking life... but that will never happen because this generation of females are the most vile in history. What a sad life I've lived. Bulled in middle school, an outcast in high school, a frustrated reject in college, and now a beaten-down man devoid of hope. I have tried everything to make myself and others happy... to succeed... to overcome these external obstacles. But the signs are clear: someone up there obviously doesn't like me. Never has, never will. Well, if God isn't going to come to me, then I guess I'll have to come to him. And if there is no God or afterlife, so what? Eternal nothingness is 100x better than this hell that I have endured for 25 long, miserable years. There's more hope in death than there is in life. Experience has taught me this.
     
  2. Sadeyes

    Sadeyes Staff Alumni

    if you look at the hr of this post, you will see why my literacy is at baseline, so I am going to send my caring, and let you know i have read your thread...please continue to post and let us know about you...you have a talent for writing/expressing yourself, and seem to be someone who others could befriend...please see if ppl here are those you can connect with...J
     
  3. elliebelle

    elliebelle Active Member

    I hope you understand you aren't alone in those experiences. As someone who has also had her hair lit on fire I get it. I've spent most of my life as an outcast. However I also did have a few years where I was part of that in-crowd and experienced the people "fucking like rabbits." Generally they're as messed up as everyone else. The relationships can be very abusive, the majority of the girls having sex are only doing it for acceptance. The "fantastic" parties that you end up at are full of drinks spiked with roofies. I'm 25 now as well and in large part because of those years spend most of my time alone. I've only once gotten past a first date with someone and even then it only lasted a month. I only wish I could have my virginity back. What I'm saying is I've been on both sides and neither are perfect, they all have flaws. Not all women are vile, there are some of us out there that are quite decent. We just happen to be standing in the background where we aren't as easily noticed. Sometimes you have to expand what you want and where you look. I hope you hang in there because things change. They get better and they get worse and better again. Life is in constant motion and change it just sometimes takes longer to see it. My PM box is always open.
     
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