Tata y'all

Discussion in 'Suicidal Thoughts and Feelings' started by carol2237, Mar 24, 2008.

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  1. carol2237

    carol2237 Guest

    Hello,

    I thought i would let everyone know that this is (hopefully) going to be my last day at SF. I love you all and wish you the best in life. I cannot deal with this shit any longer, so tonight will be my last. Tata y'all, I am getting out of here.

    Caroline
     
  2. TheWr0ngChild

    TheWr0ngChild Well-Known Member

    Please don't go :sad:
     
  3. tintin

    tintin Guest

    you cant leave chic plz dont go. you are so such a caring sweetminded girl nd i will miss you soooo much if yu left yu were my first frend on here nd wen eva am down your ther to cheer me up i love ya to bits hun plz dnt leave me.. every1 seems t be leavin me i dnt wnna lose anuva fwend.
    if you need to talk p.m me or tlk on msn x x x luuvvee yuu x x x


    i am always here if you need me remember that hun :wub:
    :hug: :arms:
     
  4. dazzle11215

    dazzle11215 Staff Alumni

    caroline

    i have no clue as to what is going on but please take care and be safe. sent you a PM

    catherine
     
  5. Dave_N

    Dave_N Guest

    Take care Caroline. You have been such a good friend to me. I just wanted to say thank you for all of your kind words and all your help. SF has been a bit overwhelming lately, even for me. Check in sometime to let us know how things are going. Take care hun. :hug:
     
  6. nagisa

    nagisa Chat & Forum Buddy Staff Alumni

    Please take care of yourself, sweetness. You are such an amazing person. :hug:pM me if you ever want to talk.
     
  7. Spearmint

    Spearmint Well-Known Member

    Carol, I wish you peace where ever life takes you. :hug:
     
  8. carol2237

    carol2237 Guest

    Hello everyone,

    As i posted earlier, i am going to be leaving after tonight. Alot of people have been asking the usual "why" question, so i guess i will post that answer here instead of 1000 other times, not that i really mind explaining. I dont really know where to start, so i will just start at the very beginning (the very best place to start).

    I was born into a wealthy family, at the time consisting of My mother, father, and older brother. As the years went on, 4 other siblings were born, 2 boys, 2 girls. My parents are what we like to call "workaholics"... they leave for work at 3 am and dont get back most nights until 8 or 9 pm... this results in stressed parents. So, because my parents could not be here they hired au-pairs from the time i was 2, until this January, when our last one left back home to Peru. Some of the au-pairs i got along with really well. Ivana was possibly my favorite of the 26 au-pairs we had and i had plans to visit her this summer. However, the most memorable au-pair for me was Alice.

    Alice was from France. I was 5 or 6 when she came. Every weekday for the entire time she stayed here, she did two things. She one, took pornographic pictures of me at gunpoint, and two she let men come into my house to pay to be with me for an hour, to do whatever they wanted with me. This led to many psychological problems for me, such as dissociation and schizo. I never told anyone about these things though, because Alice had a gun, and she had threatened to hurt my family.

    After Alice left, i became really petrified of everyone, but my parents just thought i was being shy. I learned to keep everything bottled up inside because by this time, I had 3 brothers, and i wanted to be one of boys. When i was 9, I was at a party and was raped by another man. I once again did not tell anyone about this due to terror. When i was 10, My little sister Emily was born. I was so happy to finally have a sister, however that quickly changed. I learned that even when i wanted to help with the baby, i couldnt because mommy would hit me. She never hit my brothers, just me. I never did understand that, but i went to school wearing long sleeves to cover the bruises.

    In school i had a bunch of friends, everyone wanted to be friends with me, and i found it really hard to be popular, so i started hanging around with the kids who were kind of outcasts. Soon enough, people started thinking i was weird and what not. Whatever, it didnt bother me, i had real friends. The one person who had always remained with me however was my lifelong best friend, Alice. (yes, i know, also the name of the au-pair and you will hear it again before this is over) Alice and I met at the age of 6 months and were what you can call "inseparable", during sleepovers, we could often be found holding hands upon waking. I love Alice, and I always will. Alice died last Feburary, after being diagnosed with cancer and then getting mono (from her boyfriend) after chemo had already destroyed her immune system. I was the only one by her bed as she passed into the lords loving arms.

    Alice and I had our whole lives planned out. We were going to graduate high school together, Go to college together, Dorm together, Graduate college together, Go to vet school together, Open a Vet clinic together, and raise pink bunnies on a pink bunny farm together (okay not really, but it was a joke we had... yes it is possible, but please no one do that... it is bad for the bunnies)

    And that brings us to last year. To sum up the year rather quickly, Alice died, my cousin attempted and is (still) in a coma, Adam (a friend of mine) committed suicide, and 6 others close to me died, 4 of which were suicides. Nick raped me. And my mom popped out another kid, this time another girl. I became extremely depressed and whatnot, no one took notice...

    And then there is this year. This year i have failed classes (previously a straight A student), I found out i was pregnant (with nick as the only possibility for father), ODed, had a miscarriage, gone through 3 first anniversaries and had our last au-pair leave. Not having an au-pair around means that i have all of the responsibility put on me. Meaning, cooking, cleaning, laundry, driving kids around, making appointments, shopping, everything that the "normal" family's mother does. I am the one who is in charge of taking care of the (now) 5 month old baby. I cannot deal with this stress any longer.

    I hope that rather long and self-centered post helps clear some things up for you guys. I will be saying my goodbyes tonight. Thanks to all that have become friends to me over the past month and a half or so. You guys are the best and i wish everyone the best of luck in everything they do. *huggles*

    Caroline
     
  9. Melancholy

    Melancholy Well-Known Member

    Oh, Caroline. I wish I had been around here for you, I was moved by your first posts on the site, just as I was by this one. You are an incredibly strong, caring, intelligent person, and I respect that in you so much.

    :hug:

    You have so much to offer this world, even though it has been so cruel to you. I know for a fact that there are many on this site who care tremendously about you; who would gladly share your burdens and help you through this. You've got so much ahead of you, and I know it doesn't seem like it at the moment, but things WILL get better.

    Give us a chance? You don't have to be alone. If you ever feel you're completely alone, PM me or one of the others who care so much about you on here, and we can get through this together.

    Thinking of you
    :hug:
    Lauren
     
  10. tintin

    tintin Guest

    omg chic i neva realised how bad it really was. i am going to miss you sooooooooooooooooo much when you go and really do wish you would change your mind, but like you have said you are stubborn. please hunny try and reconsider i am going to miss you sooo much i really am. u wa ma first frend on here and i am so greatful to you for everything you have done. i cant believe this might be the last time we ever talk... if ther was anything i could do or say to make you stop i would but ther is nothing, but plz babe dnt leave me :( :(
    I WILL NEVER FORGET YOU! nd you are going to be missed so much round here. you always no wt to say wen am feelin down and i love your *huggles* i am going to mis them so much.
    for a 17yr old you have been thru so much shit in your life i can see why yor giving in, but giving in is letting them bastards win thats what you told me. You a beautiful caring fanatastic girl who didnt dersever any of this shitYOU ARE A STAR ND THE BEST ONE AT THAT i will never for get you hunny love becca xxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxx

    I AM GOING TO :missyou: your an :angel:
    :arms: :wub: :hug: :blub: :cry: :cry2:
     
    Last edited: Mar 24, 2008
  11. gentlelady

    gentlelady Staff Alumni

    You have been through some pretty horrendous things and survived them. Losing friends and those you care deeply about is never an easy thin either. It takes more time to grieve these losses than you have allowed yourself to have. Extra added pressure of a household I am sure is overwhelming. Would it be possible for you to move and get out from underneath some of these stressors? I think that would be preferable to ending your life, which in turn would put the same hardships on your family that moving out to take time to care for yourself would do. Try not to make any decisions while you are in this frame of mind. I think you have more strength and courage inside you than you have begun to tap. Take the time to look deep inside yourself and see what a truly beautiful person you are. Please take care and stay safe. :hug:
     
  12. itmahanh

    itmahanh Senior Member & Antiquities Friend

    Caroline our paths just recent met and I'm so sorry they didn't much earlier. But you have been such a source of help in my life for the short time we've known one another. Please allow me to be the same for you. You ahve been and still are carrying a loead on your shoulders that no one person should ever have to. And it is crushing you slowly. Let me help you carry that load. Hun I hope you mean that you are leaving SF as in not logging back in and not that you are ready to try and take your own life. You of anyone is so aware of the terrrible hurt your leaving in that manner would do. If you're leaving to try and move on then please accept my wishes for brighter tomorrows and easy paths to travel. And never ever hesititate to return to your friends for the care and support we can give you through SF.
     
  13. dazzle11215

    dazzle11215 Staff Alumni

    caroline
    i'm so sorry to learn about the terrible things you have endured. you are so strong to have survived so far. i hope you are just taking a break from SF, and not from life. but to be honest the ambiguity worries me. you have so many stresses right now... but what supports do you have? will you let us help you? catherine
     
  14. so long and goodnight

    so long and goodnight Active Member

    sounds like youve been through a lot.....makes me wonder if i even have the right to feel this way
     
  15. Bellabie

    Bellabie Member

    Oh, dear, we love you too much for you to go.
    Please stay. Even for selfish me?
    :(
    Death will not bring happiness.
    b
     
  16. diver200

    diver200 Senior Member

    Caroline you can't leave.... you are a source of strength for all of us......
     
  17. tintin

    tintin Guest

    do not call yourself selfcentred
    your are far frm self centered hunny all the tym your on here your helpin other ppl... will you give those greatful ppl (including moi) a chance to help you love you xxxxxxx
    :hug: :wub:
     
  18. Xistence

    Xistence Well-Known Member

    I hope you find peace.. :hug:

    I'm really sad to see you go.. you are such a nice person :sad:
     
  19. lifeisashedog

    lifeisashedog Well-Known Member

    Come back soon, Carol...
     
  20. danni

    danni Chat Buddy

    carol even thou i havn't really talk to you much you were such a nice and sweet person, i'm sorry you been through all of this. we dont want you to die hun we want to help you get better, we care about you every single member is like a big family and it be hard if we lose you. :hug:
     
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