tear myself apart

Discussion in 'Suicidal Thoughts and Feelings' started by Arienette, Dec 1, 2008.

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  1. Arienette

    Arienette New Member

    I don't trust myself.
    I have violent flashes in my head.
    Each time I drive over the bridge I imagine the temperature of the water, the shock of the cold, the buoyancy of the water, the sinking feeling, the suffocation as my lungs fill up. I imagine destruction everywhere I do. At the amusement park I wished the ride would come unhinged and each time it came near to the ground was a time closer to when I would smash my skull on the concrete. I'd imagine the blood, the shattering of my bones, my teeth all over the ground, my punctured lungs... I used to imagine jumping out of vehicles... I imagine hanging myself, cutting my wrists, overdosing on pills, suffocating in a garage, setting myself on fire. It just appears. All the time. When I try to sleep. I just have a sudden urge to tear my skin off. I don't understand why. Why is my head filled with such violence...

    My anti depressants have lessened them...
    I just don't get why they happen. Why I wan to tear my self apart.
     
  2. aki

    aki Well-Known Member

    I know exactly what you mean! I have the exact same thoughts almost non stop. I constantly think of cutting, killing myself, imagining my sister calling my mum telling her I'm dead, it's gruesome. I don't know why I think like this, anti depressants don't help. I'm going to see a therapist soon so maybe that'll help. Are you seeing anyone, a therapist or counsellor? It could help to talk about it, not to have it all bottled up inside.
     
  3. Sadeyes

    Sadeyes Staff Alumni

    Hi and welcome...glad you found us...if your medication is not reducing these declarations, maybe you should discuss this with your Pdoc...most importantly, you should tell him/her about the thoughts you have been having...having thoughts, though, and acting are clearly different situations, but having an understanding why you are thinking in this way, will allow you to better understand what you are telling yourself...it may not be as literal as you may think...also, talk therapy might be helpful in this regard, as well...big hugs and again, welcome, J
     
  4. Arienette

    Arienette New Member

    I am too afraid to talk to my Psychologist about it. These things will be written down. End up in my record permanently. So far all I have been able to talk to him about is friend relations. Which really have nothing to do with anything. It is just a more comfortable topic. It was my choice to go see him but I haven't been able to open up. There are other things I wish to tell him but I feel as if I would be betraying myself. I have betrayed myself so much in the past I don't want to do it intentionally... I make a list in my head of all the things I probably should say, and then I don't end up saying any of them. I realize that he is fallible and I am not yet sure if he is trust worthy... I wouldn't want to end up hospitalized or stigmatized... I tried talking at a psych evaluation and after 4 hours they had a label for me...
     
  5. Sadeyes

    Sadeyes Staff Alumni

    It takes some time to form a trusting relationship with a therapist...give it time...once you have someone you trust, you will assuredly be less guarded about what you tell him/her and more focused upon improving the quality of your life...keep posting...there are so many ppl here who can relate to what you have written...big hugs, J
     
  6. titanic

    titanic Well-Known Member

    I've been there too, with hurrendous and violent thoughts. It says a lot about how you are feeling and they can be expressions of anger, pain, distress and many more emotions which undoubtely there's a reason for somewhere in the past. Maybe they are feelings supressed during your childhood, or some other truamatic experience, or a combination of many things.
     
  7. Stranger1

    Stranger1 Forum Buddy & Antiquities Friend

    Are you hearing voices along with the thoughts? Are you seeing things? If you answer yes to these you might be skizzo and they have meds that will help you control it. They thought I was skizzo because I see things. I right it off to all the drugs I did when I was younger. You really need to be evaluated by a shrink. That is the only way you will know for sure. Take care!~Joseph~
     
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