I don't trust myself. I have violent flashes in my head. Each time I drive over the bridge I imagine the temperature of the water, the shock of the cold, the buoyancy of the water, the sinking feeling, the suffocation as my lungs fill up. I imagine destruction everywhere I do. At the amusement park I wished the ride would come unhinged and each time it came near to the ground was a time closer to when I would smash my skull on the concrete. I'd imagine the blood, the shattering of my bones, my teeth all over the ground, my punctured lungs... I used to imagine jumping out of vehicles... I imagine hanging myself, cutting my wrists, overdosing on pills, suffocating in a garage, setting myself on fire. It just appears. All the time. When I try to sleep. I just have a sudden urge to tear my skin off. I don't understand why. Why is my head filled with such violence... My anti depressants have lessened them... I just don't get why they happen. Why I wan to tear my self apart.