Tears , and hurt

Discussion in 'Rants, Musings and Ideas' started by White Dove, Aug 10, 2007.

  1. White Dove

    White Dove Well-Known Member

    This little dove has had way too many tears tonight..

    it seems all i ever do is make mistakes..

    even posting here gives me mistakes and now look at me once again in tears... god i miss you austin.. i miss my mom.. i miss the Daltons.

    i am alone.. i am totally alone..

    im doing it.. i am gone, no more holding on, no more tears anymore.

    let them think i am fine..

    let them think i cant or will not do it like before

    let them continue on their merry little ways and i will die..

    i am gone... God i have tried to hold on..

    i have been stopped to many times.. not this time..

    i am now alone in my bedroom and this sunday i am gone.. i will be gone..

    no bullshit i am going..

    let them go on and think like before that i will not do it so no one can stop me..

    God i cant stop the tears right now..

    i lost my uncle and it is already hurting , now i find out i am not wanted here , just not wanted...

    i am dumb, i am crazy, i am stupid, i cant be helped... i am seen as nothing..

    my feelings dont mean anything to anyone.. they just dont care that i just lost a family member.. i am hurting so god damn bad right now..

    i am getting drunk.. i am taking my life for good.. i am outta here. i am gone.. i am dead..

    so the heck with everyone..

    you dont care.

    my god, i cant even post every day or even one or two threads without saying yep , you post every day, theres something wrong, etc

    well you are damn right there is something wrong.

    i am hurting damn it. i am hurting.

    i am gone.

    i am dead..

    think i wont do it dont you?

    ask the minister david dalton if i will attempt it or not when insay i will , go on ask him.. he didnt believe me last time, just ask him

    he knows i will do it..

    i am gone

    thios little dove i gone for good now

    thank you hecte, thank you blackness , thank you everyone..

    now i got an even bigger reason to do it..

    think youll see this little dove here again? dont bet on it, you would lose , but you will see my name i the obit..

    im seriouse.

    no a freeking joke.

    im dying sunday

    edited to say;;;

    oh yeah , no need to reply cause i am just wanting attention, right???? wronnngg

    You wont see my name back on here anymore except for an obit.... at least if i can help it, and yep i do remember , someone said something about me not doing it because i was holding myself back , well if that be the case then i am outta here.. i wont hold myself back , got no hope anyway.. think i wont do it dont you??? Well you will soon see that i did, and if snowflakesmeltsme can do it so can i cause i have did it once before, this time im not chickening out , this sunday this little white dove is gone
    Last edited by a moderator: Aug 10, 2007
  2. RunningAway

    RunningAway Well-Known Member


    Please do not die on Sunday. I am sorry for youre pain and suffering. Try to hold on. Allow people to support you and although you may not believe me now, the sun will shine again for you in the future which is something worth living for. I am sorry that I can not change things for you but I can listen.
  3. White Dove

    White Dove Well-Known Member

    why not die on sunday? its the lords day and he is trying to keep me here by others praying for me not to die...

    try to hold on???? why???

    i cant come on here and post or speak without being told im wanting attention or something like that , so why try to hold on..

    im not worth it.

    my life isint worth it.

    heck its not even worth it to the Daltons.. they never called , they dont give a damn rather i live or die.. they dont give a damn for my feelings either if they did they would not have done me the way they did.. they would not have caused me more pain.. MORE pain.. nope they dont give a damn.. They knew i loved them very much but nooooooo they dont love me, never did and i was so stupid.. i was so stupid to believe that they would help ease my mind, yep , stupid alright.. i should have ................. but noooo. i had to have that little bit of hope, that little bit of faith that they cared, what a bunch of bull...

    do i think they will talk with me in 2 days? HELL NO.... because they dont give a damn about me... they are a major reason im doing this.. so screw everyone im gone..

    my family sure as hell dont give a damn..

    I am getting out of this pain once and for all. i am going.. i am not kidding , i am gone... i aint let nothing stopping me this time , nothing...
  4. liveinhope

    liveinhope Well-Known Member

    stay with us hun a little longer let us try to help please :sad:
  5. RunningAway

    RunningAway Well-Known Member


    I haven't said you are seeking attention. Sometimes people do care but are not able to help because of the position that they are in themselves. Try to talk to those people who are offering their support because things can change White Dove. It may seem like it is impossible. But when you are at your lowest things can not get worse?

    Please take care.
  6. tell me you're still alive plz

    if not R.I.P at least you're not in pain anymore
  7. Cricket31

    Cricket31 Active Member

    What are you going to resolve by commiting suicide? You will only hurt others who care about you. We are not saying that you won't do it, and we are not encouraging you to do so! Whoever told you that needs to stop fucking around! Excuse my language. Its just that some people think this matter is a joke! But please think long and hard about what you are going to do, because once you make that decision there's no turning back. I hope you will do the right thing!:biggrin:
  8. White Dove

    White Dove Well-Known Member

    They will for me i have liver cancer..

    it has spread now to both kidneys , my gallbladder , my pancreas , and now there is a spot on my lung and with a biopsy i am sure it will be this cancer, so how can things get better??

    they wont? you want to know why???

    cause they put me on hospice...

    hospice is for people who have 6 months or less to live.. it is for them to stay at home to make their final passage into the afterlife without pain.. heck they even give me a handbook on the dying process so that i will know and learn what is about to happen with me , like how and when my body shuts down and how my spirit will leave my body , etc..

    so how can it get better?

    the doctors done give up on me .. it has gone too far for chemo or radiation... so how can it get better?
  9. White Dove

    White Dove Well-Known Member

    im still here :hug:
  10. White Dove

    White Dove Well-Known Member

    no one cares about me in real life...

    some on here do seem to care but look at where they are at , some are in the USA but many miles away and others are in other countrys many miles away. when i log off , i am alone

    The ministers dont care , the daltons dont care , i am totally alone.. true there is no turning back , but i am dying anyway and theres no turning back on that either.. im only 35 and yet here i am being put on hospice and dying in a few short months..

    it is really just scary most of it is but i know it is something that always happens to everyone just that it is gonna hapen to me a lot sooner but oh well at least i am about Jesus age , he was 33 and i am 35
  11. syntaxerror

    syntaxerror Antiquities Friend

    I'm so sorry to hear all you are going through - I lost a very very good friend to cancer a couple years back and it was so hard to watch what he went through with the suffering - thoughts and prayers with you. Wishing you peace.
  12. White Dove

    White Dove Well-Known Member

    thank you so much :hug: for the thoughts and prayers..

    I seen my mom die with stomach cancer when i was 15 and the hardest thing about it all was she passed away on may 6 1988 and then they buried her on mothers day may 9 1988 ( i think it was mothers day ) but i remember it so well cause i was thinking as i was riding in the car to the cemetary that here everyone else is celebrating mothers day and here i am burying my mom...

    i seen her go through a lot of pain and thats what bothering me cause i want no pain and with the help of hospice they say they can make it pain free for me..
  13. syntaxerror

    syntaxerror Antiquities Friend

    :hug: how horrible to have had to bury your mom on mother's day - that just shouldn't have to happento anyone. :sad:I hope hospice can make things pain free for you.
  14. Esmeralda

    Esmeralda Well-Known Member

    :hug: How hard to lose your mother at an age when you need her the most.
  15. *dilligaf*

    *dilligaf* Staff Alumni

    I'm so sorry you had to go through that. I recently lost my Nan to cancer and I know how hard it is (I was with her the whole way through) If I can be of any help at all? Or if you want to get anything off your chest feel free to PM me :hug:
  16. White Dove

    White Dove Well-Known Member

    yea i hope i can at least ease this cancer pain.

    I dont think anyone knows what its like to feel it and when i first started having pain and told i had cancer i lost it and blamed God at first , then the cops that come and got me that day , if they had let me freeking die then i could have avoided all this pain , but no they brought me back and rescued me to endure a cancer pain.... well then i blamed myself.. I got real angry at God though , i mean really angry cause he allowed it to happen , but then i realized it was me , it was my choice , i took the overdose now i have to cope with the consequencies of that...

    Betty from hospice told me that the doc wants to make suure i dont have any pain so i guess thats good...

    i really miss my mom.. i never got to really know her.. i was 15 and 2 weeks away from my 16 th birthday ... i miss her a lot

    And then along came Elaine and David and i really thought the world of Elaine.. I saved up 75$ from my food money and ate one time a day just to buy her some flowers , carnations i think ??? cause she likes carnations.. I thought of her like a mom and i really loved her a lot ( not that she cares or knows about it or about how much i loved her ) but anyhow i miss her... i really miss her and wished we could have been close but God took her away and i was left alone ... now Elaine left and i am totally upset... i just dont understand why people do that.... The only reason i can think of is that they just dont care for other peoples feelings...
  17. White Dove

    White Dove Well-Known Member

    Its been a struggle..

    seems everything went downhill from that point on...
  18. White Dove

    White Dove Well-Known Member

    thanks :hug: