Teenager crisis?really long message, but please help.

Discussion in 'Suicidal Thoughts and Feelings' started by mchung, May 4, 2010.

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  1. mchung

    mchung Well-Known Member

    I don't know what people think about teenagers in suicidal crisis, but I believe the majority of them would think we are just emotionally immature and dramatic. I know that my life would seemed wonderful compared to some, but that doesn't cheer me up at all. All I can think is that this world is cold, people are selfish animals and of course, being one of them, I am destined to suffer for my entire life.

    I am a college student, 20 years old. Too young to most, but I feel like I have the maturity many adults cannot even compared to. I came to the U.S about 7 years ago. I had a hard time adjusting my entire personality to the culture, including eating lunch alone in the bathroom, being bullied, having no friends...etc. Through all these, I learned to be independent, and I am proud to say I am motivated by this. But deep inside me, I suffer for every day of my life. There are some good things that happened, but in the end on an overall scale, negative things far outweighed the positive.

    Being as normal as I was in high school, I played the class clown and earned the popularity. Yet I realize all my friends are just superficial, and none of them trully care, want, try to understand me no matter how much care I showed toward them. I used to have a blanket that I talk to, and cry to everyday. I used to cut myself, and dig my nails into my arms so I can bleed, which brings me back to reality. I used to take my middle school graduation picture and name/talk to my school mates, as if they talk back too. Both my parents live oversea, I dont like to bother them, and certainly they knew less and less about me. If my family cannot make me feel alive, I know then I will be alone forever unless I find someone who I can trust in, share everything with.

    Able to control myself through all these years, I worked myself up to UC Berkeley and pursuing a premed track. I did it to make my family proud, I did it to prove to myself, and I actually did it because I have an interest in being a doctor. That all shifted when my dad cheated on my mom, and a series of arguments, violent fights, and disapproval from my relatives came in. I had to represent my parents, lieing about things I don't believe in to my relatives in the U.S. My family pretended to care about me, but I know that no matter what I achieve in the U.S, it is not their business. All they want is to get me through college, so my dad can stop paying for my school, and my mom can go on with her life. That was the first time I thought of killing myself. I took half a bottle of sleeping aid, and was saved at the hospital.

    I prayed for god to help, and miracles do happen. I fell in love with a wonderful girl, that have many adorable flaws. I thought that I can seek comfort knowing that I am of some good, trying to improve this girl's life and guide her on the right path. Slowly, she became the center of my world, more important than my family, and is everything I work for. For 2 years I was happy, she pulled me out of my misery. Yet not once, but four times she cheated on me, and knowing that it is part of her flaws, I pulled her back everytime before she goes out and starts fucking every guy that hits on her, and being dumped everytime once the guy lost interest. She is still the only person I care about.

    She just broke up with me forever, because she is going to another school, and thought that it would be more fun to have a boy friend that goes to her school. I lost everything I work for. I dont want to work for myself, I dont care about myself. I only want to dedicate my life to other people. After shes gone, I started smoking, doing drugs, drinking, just to fall asleep every night. I still have to face the difficult classes, I still have to put a mask on and socialize, I still have so many friends.

    But why is that I feel so lonely, so much that it never stopped hurting? Why do I have to live, if all I ever care about is taken away from me? Why is it that I have so many friends that I talk to, but none of them even noticed my problem? So many whys I cant answer, and so lonely I am.

    Today I got off the phone with my ex, she said she is at a party where she had sex with a hotter guy, just two days after we broke up. I laughed and told her please use protection, and dont get hurt, but I wanted to scream out loud, and after I am exhausted, sleep forever. Why is that I am so useless that I cannot save my parents marriage, convince myself not to hurt, and pull the person I love to the right track?

    (I am premed, studied psychology extensively, studied most things premed should know, so dont give me the mental disorder stuff. drugs should block to reuptake of dopamine and seretonin, and through everything I tried, I cried and hurt myself. And please dont flame my ex, I love everything about her and will never forget about her.)
  2. jjjoooggg2

    jjjoooggg2 Well-Known Member

    Come to Austin Texas. It was voted most friendly university on Student Review. I know because I went there.

    There is no magical formula or anything we can do to insure that the girl we love will love us back no matter how well we treat them. I really don't know what it's like to feel really alone. I have a buddy that will listen to my problems to eternity and I'm very fortunate for that.

    I believe that space is a great need probably more than intimacy. Man, I sound cynical. Enjoy your independence and freedom before you have kids and get married. I don't ever plan on ever getting married.
  3. total eclipse

    total eclipse SF Friend Staff Alumni

    i don't know what to say except i have gone your route dedicated my life for everyone else still do My world is caring for others always others it gives me some kind of value some kind of worth. I am lost now as you are not knowing me what i want i just continue in my role i have developed in that i am a carer of others. I am well over your age and wished i had developed a care for self
    I am sorry you are suffering so with your abandonment feelings of neglect what would you tell your patients sometimes we have to follow our own advices include us in the care we give. Took me a long time to learn this lesson i hope it does not take you as long. eveyone needs help even professionals reach out and get some therapy for you
  4. mchung

    mchung Well-Known Member

    No matter how I think about it, I feel like caring for other people is the only way. Glad to know someone out there thinks like I do. I will not regret how I came to this, I will not stop living for other people, and I will probably end up destroying myself soon, but I feel great about caring for others.

    This forum actually helps a lot : ). But maybe that is jsut because it is the day right now. Hope when night comes I can stay clean. I dont want to hurt again.
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