For as long as I can remember understanding the concept, since about eleven, I thought of suicide as the most cowardly thing you could do. For me it was the most embarrassing and humiliating thing anyone could ever do to themselves because it meant they were too weak to handle reality and they were incapable of doing the "easiest" thing possible, so easy even a baby can do it. In my eyes, anyone who considered suicide was a wimp. They were running away from pain instead of manning up and facing it, like a man. This mentality is mainly what kept me from killing myself throughout all of my teen and high school years. That and also because I considered it a sin. It wasn't until a couple years ago after I graduated high school that I changed my mind on this. Obviously it didn't happen overnight, it was a slow process that began with the discovery of Nirvana and Kurt Cobain's death and that ended when I realized I kept living for the moment when the misery and sadness would end. I didn't really seriously consider suicide until sometime within this past year. I'd go to sleep thinking about ways I could die at first. Then ways I could get killed. Then eventually, months later, came the suicidal ideation. By this point I became aware that I want to die. I have dreams, goals, and aspirations that I would love to see myself achieve. There is so much I want to see and do. But I've got no will to keep on going. I keep hoping that somehow the universe, God, or fate will intervene and take my life for me. A car crash or a mugging gone wrong, whatever because there's no point in getting everything I want if at the end of the day I go to bed feeling like my cheeks are falling off my face and wanting to bawl my eyes out. It's not depression. From what I understand depression is an absence of feelings. My problem is the opposite of that. I feel way too much. I'm too sensitive. I've worked on growing thicker skin and I've gotten really good at reacting well under those conditions. Inside I still fall apart though. Emotionally, I have the constitution of a glass doll. I don't break down crying but it still f cks me up. It doesn't even have to originate from me. It can be seeing how a fat little boy tries to hold himself together after his physically fit dad (stepdad?) publicly scolds him for ordering too much food at Subway. Or just a lonely lady's face suddenly drop whenever I stupidly ask what her family did for her for mother's day. I can't handle that much pain. I have a low pain tolerance and it literally makes me want to kill myself. When I see it in other people, and I happen to have a knack for it, it brings up feelings I can't deal with. I'm lonely. I'm miserable. And I have no hope that this will change. I know things can get better. But they can also get worse. Or more likely, they can stay the same. The thing is, I'm barely twenty, I haven't had anyone close to me die, I have faced so little of life, if it's killing me already how am I going to cope whenever my family members or my friends begin to die? I probably won't cope lol I can't even cope as it is. I feel like I'm fucking up at life, I should be way more ahead in my education, my career, and my romantic life. I have progressed more than I ever thought I would in the past two years and that is incredibly awesome. But the fact that this huge f cking shadow still consumes my mind is super discouraging. After all this, I can't escape these thoughts and feelings. They're a part of me and most likely always will be. I've gone to a therapist, but when I tried to talk to him, he said I was all over the place, I'd jump from one thing to another and he couldn't get a good grasp on what I was trying to say. I went to a psychiatrist who prescribed me some anxiety/depression medication. It worked. But then we started to talk about side effects, including suicidal ideation and then she let her views on suicide come out. She thinks suicide is cowardly. She seemed so disappointed when I told her I'd had suicidal thoughts before that I couldn't bring myself to tell her I still do. I haven't really seen her since. I had set up a time frame to give myself a bit to see how far I'd progressed, and then decide whether to do it or not. I changed my mind about that in a week, I can't bear feeling like this for so long. Now, some stuff has changed. A really close friend of mine, who I have stronger feelings for than I should, is going to propose to his boyfriend and I'm a f cking b tch. I can't bear the thought of seeing that happen. It's such a happy occasion and it's going to make an even happier marriage and I'm going to hate every second of it. It's going to break my heart and I'll feel incredibly guilty for hating it. I don't want to ruin their moment with my selfish act but I'd rather their engagement be a distraction from what I've done then the other way around. They'll go from sad to happy instead of from happy to sad and that's good right? The problem is I just won't be able to fake I'm happy for them at that point, I'll just generally be a bummer to be around and I'll most likely bring them down in the process. I don't know why I'm posting here. I guess I just want to see if there's any logic to my thought processes because I'm aware that my mental state isn't the most stable, to put it lightly. It just makes so much sense to me though, I don't know.