Tell me How to Feel.

Should I lie and pretend I'm happy even if deep down inside me I am in so much pain? What should I do? Do you know? Do you know how I can be normal? Be accepted? Be useful? How I can change the way people look at me? All they see is a plastic smile I put on when they ask how I'm doing today. Oh it's ok don't worry everything is fine. Oh that? That was nothing........ just a silly accident..... nothing to worry about.

People make me sick.
They try to tell you how to feel when they themselves are as damaged as you are. They tell you about their recovery as if we are all the same and all our problems can be fixed so easily. Like one day all my sadness will just disappear. But I know it wont..... it never will....... I don't think it can ever go away. I have gotten so use to being the way I am now that honestly changing would be to much for me to handle. I do want to die, badly, and I think about it at least once every hour of every day. Why is this wrong? Why can't I make my own decisions? Suicide for me has never been an impulse but a well thought out decision. Years of constant thinking. I have looked at all the facts and yet people just think everyone who tries does it on impulse without actually planning it out.

I don't need to be treated like a child or like I am some lunatic because I'm neither. I am just a boy who realizes how he wants his life to end. You can call it whatever you want. But instead of suicide I prefer you call it a choice. It is as simple as a choice. But people try to make it so horrible.... they try to scare me.... or better yet they try to tell me things get better when they don't understand that not everything can change. Yes maybe small things can and will change but I can not. The way I am, the person I have become, the way I look, the way I feel, the way I hate myself so much it hurts to move let alone do anything.

People try their best to help when in reality not everyone can get better. I'm not saying it's not good to try.... but I just know for myself there's nothing more I want to try. No new pills or therapists.... doctors..... hospitals..... Nothing can help me. Help the real me..... the person I am deep down under what people see.

I just wish I had a way to end it all without hurting anyone. Because I don't want anyone to hurt..... feel bad.... blame themselves...... I just want an ending. Doesn't have to be dramatic...... I just want to fade away.

Just a rant.

 

Nobody has the right to tell you how to feel.
But I can sympathise with your pain, It must be hard to be in such pain yet still be able to show such compassion to others as you do here on this forum.
mightn't be any help but pls feel free to pm me if you just need to unload and rant.
I truly hope that you see some light soon

:sadhug:

:depressed

 

Hey Darrel think of suicide as a wound. When inflicted it hurts, then it festers, then it leaves a scar.. Do you want to do that to your family and loved ones..I know it is tough to keep trying to move forward, You need to be a little selfish and hang on to anything that happens that is positive and build from there..You need to put those thoughts to the side every morning and tell your self NO you won't have me today. Then get out and do some things that will keep your mind occupied..I have said it many times, do some volunteer work at an Adult Living Facility and listen to there stories,It's a good way to occupiy your mind and you will learn so much from a dieing generation..There is so much untapped ideas and thoughts that our generation is letting slip by..

 

Well you're addressing two things.
The mask that every one of us here wears (at least for the most part, and most of the time when we interact).
And you're also talking about self hatred and suicide.

As far as wearing a fake smile. You don't have to. I think people appreciate honesty, and as you know, the fake smile becomes VERY tiring. I tell people exactly how it is. I just say I feel like shit, I don't feel like going out, I'm suicidal. I'm not saying you should do that, I'm just saying that you're obviously not happy, so why not just try being real, even if you're not smiling, what have you got to lose? Sounds like not a lot. Wear the mask less and less as you feel comfortable.

About self hatred. I would imagine the reason you think of suicide is because like you said, you don't like yourself. Things CAN change. And I know you've heard that, don't believe it, and probably just disregarded that. Think of it like this though. Your self hatred is your identity. It's who you are. If you were to change, it would feel exactly like death. It would be a death. A death of who you used to be, which I would imagine might feel like actual death. I think we see suicide as a way to kill this self, when in reality, your actual death is not the only way to kill this. You can "die" in a sense, while you're still alive.
That is what I'm going through right now. I'm 19 and so have built up an identity that I've believed in for 19 years. This change will most certainly be a death. I've talked about it in therapy and she said it would feel like death to change. By the way, if you don't have a therapist, that is essential in getting through this, especially because of how deep you are in this and how serious you are about suicide.

But again, it is a choice. It is your choice, and it is your life.

There is help out there, and you won't always hear the same things. Friends, family, they don't understand, and their version of help I've rejected, I'm sure you've rejected, we all have. But there are people out there who can actually help, and there is a way to experience happiness. God knows I'm not there. I know what's going on but I still have the strongest resistance to change.

Well I hope some of that made some sense.

 

I feel the same way as you do but I don't feel any guilt because I have put responsibility for my wounds on the people who have hurt me, some people have listened and stayed, some have left.

You mention 'help the real me' can you show this to therapists? The damaged you. The you that you feel is beyond repair. Have you shown that? Because it can be terrifying to do so and I have recently and it's taken me a long long time.

I can't say I wear a fake smile, or a mask. When I'm happy, I'm genuinely happy which seems weird as there is so much wreckage underneath.

Have you shown a therapist the 'real you'?

Lying about being happy might be a defense for you. But maybe right now this isn't working for you as well, as people aren't hearing your pain and anguish, which is obvious in what you write. I hear you and I feel very similarly about how hurt , wrecked, damaged I am.

 

:hug:

 

Thanks guys..... but none of you had to reply. I just broke down and had to tell someone who wouldn't be close enough to laugh or call me pathetic.... and make me feel horrible. It's easiest to tell someone you will never know.

I'm just broken and like a puzzle I've fit together well this same old way that adding or subtracting pieces scares me even more. I have told my father that maybe he should just send me away to some institution..... I hate being this worthless burden. I do feel so guilty that I wish I was never born because I know I will never amount to anything.

Is it wrong to realize one's value?
People die..... everyone will.
I just don't wanna have to live anymore.
I've always been a mess and suicide seems the best way to clean it up.
Wipe me away.

I love my family very much but intentionally making me feel guilty isn't gonna make me stop thinking and feeling the way I do. Doctors too....... it all seems like a waste of time. A waste of fucking time.

 

You, pathetic??? Only a clueless person would laugh at you or call you pathetic. You put forth a lot of effort towards your mask and that's hard work. I know because I broke mine and now I'm way too exposed! The people who really know you aren't buying the facade, they love you without your mask. That's probably the answer to your question: "How I can change the way people look at me? All they see is a plastic smile I put on when they ask how I'm doing today." Choose not to put on that fake smile. Take off that mask before it shatters on your face! If you want to die, anyway, is it really such a scary risk to be a little more honest and to think of yourself a little before thinking about other people's comfort level around you?

Guilt sucks and does not help anyone. Living for other people, out of guilt, is really hard. But, I also do not think that suicide is an actual choice you are making if you are making it while in the middle of an emotional shitstorm of feelings of worthlessness and feeling broken and like a burden. A choice means seeing things objectively and then choosing. See, this life of yours isn't a waste of your family's time since they want you and it isn't a waste of my time because I like reading your posts. It is really a waste of your time because you are miserable. Each moment is long and hard. In wanting to make a choice of suicide or life, it is important to realize this point and think about how valuable time is to you. I, personally, do not think of time being wasted, too much, as long as I'm not in pain, even if all I'm doing is watching TV or talking on the phone--as long as one or more people are gaining something, like pleasure from watching a TV show, to me it isn't a waste.

I hate being treated like I'm some fragile, delicate thing, too. It makes me feel stifled to be so "protected", it feels like being lied to and being controlled, actually. Just know that you show so much strength in this post alone. You are strong and your loved ones feel fragile and afraid of losing you.

 

Tell me more about "the person I am deep down under what people see."?

Who is that?