Should I lie and pretend I'm happy even if deep down inside me I am in so much pain? What should I do? Do you know? Do you know how I can be normal? Be accepted? Be useful? How I can change the way people look at me? All they see is a plastic smile I put on when they ask how I'm doing today. Oh it's ok don't worry everything is fine. Oh that? That was nothing........ just a silly accident..... nothing to worry about. People make me sick. They try to tell you how to feel when they themselves are as damaged as you are. They tell you about their recovery as if we are all the same and all our problems can be fixed so easily. Like one day all my sadness will just disappear. But I know it wont..... it never will....... I don't think it can ever go away. I have gotten so use to being the way I am now that honestly changing would be to much for me to handle. I do want to die, badly, and I think about it at least once every hour of every day. Why is this wrong? Why can't I make my own decisions? Suicide for me has never been an impulse but a well thought out decision. Years of constant thinking. I have looked at all the facts and yet people just think everyone who tries does it on impulse without actually planning it out. I don't need to be treated like a child or like I am some lunatic because I'm neither. I am just a boy who realizes how he wants his life to end. You can call it whatever you want. But instead of suicide I prefer you call it a choice. It is as simple as a choice. But people try to make it so horrible.... they try to scare me.... or better yet they try to tell me things get better when they don't understand that not everything can change. Yes maybe small things can and will change but I can not. The way I am, the person I have become, the way I look, the way I feel, the way I hate myself so much it hurts to move let alone do anything. People try their best to help when in reality not everyone can get better. I'm not saying it's not good to try.... but I just know for myself there's nothing more I want to try. No new pills or therapists.... doctors..... hospitals..... Nothing can help me. Help the real me..... the person I am deep down under what people see. I just wish I had a way to end it all without hurting anyone. Because I don't want anyone to hurt..... feel bad.... blame themselves...... I just want an ending. Doesn't have to be dramatic...... I just want to fade away. Just a rant.