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Tell me it's justified...

Discussion in 'Help Me! I Need to Talk to Someone.' started by Calleo, Oct 20, 2011.

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  1. Calleo

    Calleo Well-Known Member

    To kill myself instead of starving to death. It's torture. I don't even want to go another day anymore, but I try to hold out. Just in case. But I know it's too late now, no matter what I might try.

    I won't even write anything else. Nobody cares about me.

    I knew that I'd never make it, but I guess it, life, was worth the try.
  2. Butterfly

    Butterfly Sim Addict Staff Alumni SF Author SF Supporter

    No one here will tell you it is justified as we are a pro life support forum. I can sense you are in extreme pain right now and if you feel you a danger to yourself then please call a crisis line or go to the local emergency department.

    You say you are starving to death? Do you have an eating disorder? If so have you sought any help for it? Do you have a good support network in place?
  3. Calleo

    Calleo Well-Known Member

    I won't call anyone, I don't do that. Nobody is obligated to care about me enough to actually help me.

    I don't have an eating disorder, I ran out of money for food, for anything. I know any smart*ss would tell me to sell my computer, but it's the last hope for me for actually finding work or anything. I'm kind of retarded and don't really function well in the real world.

    What concerns me the most right now is that it's my father's death anniversary next week, exactly around the time that I see myself being desperate enough to literally kill myself, and I don't want it to be associated with that. So I'll have to do it either very, very soon, or wait at least nine days after (over two weeks from now), and I really can't see how I could wait that long.
  4. Calleo

    Calleo Well-Known Member

    You won't tell me that it's justified only because you're not allowed to. You're not saying anything else either, so...
  5. Entoloma43

    Entoloma43 Well-Known Member

    Asking a bunch of suicidal people if suicide is justifiable probably isn't a good idea.
  6. Calleo

    Calleo Well-Known Member

    Well I guess it doesn't matter what people think. It's not like people saying "you shouldn't kill yourself, ever!" would actually fix anything.

    I feel incredibly weak and hopeless.
  7. Butterfly

    Butterfly Sim Addict Staff Alumni SF Author SF Supporter

    Sorry I haven't replied sooner, I don't check back every thread I have posted in every day.

    First off I want to say there are ways and means of getting food and things even though you have no money. There are food banks and charities out there that will be able to help, maybe even help with heating etc.

    And no, if I was to speak to you off site, face to face etc I would never encourage or advocate it any way as it is cruel and callous. Regardless of what the rules are on this site I would never tell you that suicide is justified.

    There are outlets, services that you can access that can help you through your tough times. There are ways to help yourself and stop these feelings, you just have to be willing to do it.
  8. Calleo

    Calleo Well-Known Member

    That came off a little passive-aggressive. I wouldn't think anyone had to give replies within 24 hours; in my earlier post I meant the plural "you". :unsure:

    I don't live in America.

    Are you sure you're not exaggerating? Any and all kinds of suffering must be endured even when death is obviously the smarter choice?

    Well, that's not entirely topical here, but I'm just saying.

    I thought I read from some posting guidelines here that it's unadvisable to say things a là "just get over it". Since I'm here it obviously isn't that simple.

    I'm willing, of course I'm willing, I still check job listings even though I have no money for transport to go anywhere and I probably will have collapsed before the first payment. Or for telecommute/online jobs, I'm losing my internet connection around the end of this month.

    I feel extremely pathetic. I'm always reminded how things that should be so damn easy are so damn difficult for me. Miraculously I've still managed to keep some of my self-esteem intact, but I really don't think I can deal with this anymore. There's no place for me here, no matter what I might try. I'm trying to accept that and get over it (life) instead of being pathetic and trying to butt in where I obviously don't belong.
  9. Butterfly

    Butterfly Sim Addict Staff Alumni SF Author SF Supporter

    Do you mean I came off a little passive agressive or you did?

    Neither do I.

    No I am not exaggerating. No matter how badly you are suffering there are always way to rectify the situation. I feel with mental illness you tend to think irrationally even though you may think you are perfectly coherant and rational you are most likely not to be and feeling delusional, therefore in that situation death is not a smart choice because in 99% of cases it is not a rational one.

    Where did I say that? You have completely misinterepreted what I have said.

    I mean willing by seeking help with the way you are feeling. It's hard to cope with it all on your own and bottle all your feelings up. It builds up and up and up and just gets worse and worse. It is good that you are searching for jobs and good things do come to those who wait, and all this job searching will pay off and hopefully in the not too distant future you will be employed. But the feeling of being pathetic, suicidal feelings and ideations, that is depression and depression will not just go away if you sit on it. You need to see a doctor. I'm not gonna say oh you need to be on meds blah blah because that might not be what you need. You may just need to blow off steam and a doctor is a good outlet for that and is what they are paid to do. You may need a form of counselling such as CBT to help you chnage the way you think about yourself, instead of focusing on the negatives you ca focus on the positives or you may just need an anti depressant to lift that black cloud until you can think yes, things are not good but now I can see I need to do A, B and C to change this, this and that. Doctors may also be able to point you in directions of services that can help you with food, heating and financial difficulties that you may not be aware of so I would definitely advise a visit, even if it is just for that alone.
    Last edited by a moderator: Oct 23, 2011
  10. Calleo

    Calleo Well-Known Member

    I'm not depressed. I used to have depression, I know what it feels like. I'm not depressed now. I can be sad, I can be worried, I can be scared - but I'm not depressed. Emotionally healthy people still get negative feelings when bad things happen. There's nothing wrong with what I feel. I can't afford to have my most basic needs covered, obviously I'm sad and scared because it's literally a life or death issue, obviously I feel bad about myself for not being more capable.

    Doctors tend to health problems, they're not all-purpose life-fixers. I guess I could make some use of a therapist/counselor, most people would, but I obviously can't afford one right now.

    I meant I don't live in the Anglosphere and/or wherever else you can rain in somewhere and expect stuff to be given to you.

    You said "you just have to be willing to do it". It's insulting and unhelpful.

    Thank you for trying to help.

    I understand I'm unwelcome here since my problem can't be fixed by cheering up. I guess I turned here because I remembered this place from when I was 15-16 (and briefly returned when I was 18) - I was depressed and suicidal at the time. I guess I never really kicked the habit of considering suicide as a valid option. I don't think that's a bad thing, it makes me feel better. I can relax. I know that whatever happens, I don't have to suffer forever.

    Due to the circumstances in my life, I break down very often and swear to god I'm going to kill myself. I make plans and figure how much time I have left. Then I decide that within that time I can still give one last good shot at whatever might help me. So I do that, usually fail and break down again, but I've moved forward in some way. But I always had savings, something to fall back on, but I've run out now. I can objectively, realistically tell that I've ran out of options and I have no idea what to do or try anymore.
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