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Tell Me What You Think

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Last night i was laying on my floor, music blaring into my ears through my head phones, the moon filling my room with light, and as i lay there i began to write...

Somebody please tell me whats in my head im trying hard to understand but i dont know why am i sick am ?

im depressed or so i said i just dont know may thoughts are true andd this is all an act, my excuse. Excusing me from failure, excuse me from this game called life. is this just an excuse ?

but what about the days wen i dont want to get out of bed and there is no one around and tears come all on their own. this isnt an act this isint pretend. I dont udnersant my own head.

So please Doc tell me whats wrong because i know this pill aint the cure. nobody understand nobody gets it how can i tell bare it all. i can blame so many but deep down isee this is my fault i derserve this, yes. but i dont know why. so heres goes the truth.

Me. Exposed.

I fear groups of people avoiding them as much as i can, rossing the road if i must. Getting of the buss a stop eailier if i must. Even walking down hte street is a chore for me, Eyes on the ground, voices whispering they must be talking about me, everyones looking at me and even when they're not, i can still feeel their eyes. It makes me happy and sad, and you must be wondering why? When they are looking i feel inssecure i feel small. wait not true, sometimes i feel great, or atleast i think i do, like a clown in the center of a huge show. and when they dont look i wonder why, why am i not worth thier stares? What did i do wrong ? why dont they care ?

So maybe a little you see what its like living each day as me.

Im scared to make friends because when i do its just pretend, im acting something im not so they laugh and smile loving their new friend kyle. i tuck the real me right away to scared they wont like me, no the truht they cant see but when im pretending the facade gets tiring and the real me wants to break free, so avoidance becomes my mechanism of defence and my friends wonder why im so moody, suddenly wanting to be so lonely.

Its fun being me, no really, when im alone i feel so free, no one wants anything from me, expects anything from me, im sorry i just dont understand why i should live like you when i am me.

So what next what should we disccus now, how about men, yes men, hear me out, dont frown. If a straight man approaches me or says hello, my mouth goes all dry and i look to the floor, so scared ill do something wrong. always saying less tha nenough and never too much, it scares me it does how am i suppose to reactto a man what am i to say and if hes gay then i act a whore, a slut its the only what i know how to behave, flirting, bringing it on strong. I dont even like sex, it makes me cold, but i perform, perform like the whore they saw. and you maybe wondering why, its for that little bit of attention, not wanting rejection, the attention i recieve in that moment is like a gix, but after its gone i feel so cold, i want it more, but i never do it too much, afterall im not a whore.

is this just a game afterall i am writing this in rhyme so i see this a ticket to game, will i wear my sickness like a pin-striped suit, no this this is shame. wait i dont believe that, atleast i dont think i do. im not sure. Shame, fame all i know is this isnt a game because i feel the pain.

excaped, ran away did i for fourteen days i was alive for fourteen days i did nothing but cry. i thought i was free, but nothing in life is quite what it seems and god proved that he shall eternally piss on me. was i actually happy, was i truely free? I doont know but for fourteen days i belived i was and that was good enough for me. So now im back, a month of my life misplaced, as the memories i slowly erase. i hate this place, this place between the earth and sky.

i dont know how to describe it without saying 'their is a voice in my head' but its not a voice its me, just more bitter and cruel. taunting me, especially when i feel threatened or avoid a situation to hard for me. He curses my name, slices my pride, i constantly deel i have to prove myself to him, im not a imp, im not scared, i didnt cross the road to avoid the passing crowd, i didnt take the long way to closs to avoid a bustling cafeteria. he hates me, and thats how i know the voice is me.

ya know how confusing it is when you tell someone you love them and your not even sure you care. im talking about friends, family, possibly you. I think i care but then i think and i wont if i really do. i dont hink is is fair, how can i not know if i even care, death would set me free and it wouldnt matter. Suicidal, who me ? And if i dont care about you, im sorry and if it helps i care even less about me.

do you know what its like being unable to cry, the tears wedged behind my eye. This is a pain worse then death, everyone just thinks im mood, heartless, that i dont care. They dont understand, worst of all neither do i. So i can sit here trying to cry as hard as i want, but it wont happen i wont cry.

Oh i know what we can discuss, dont want to make a fuss, just a wee problem, i have no identity. I've always been whatever people wanted me to be. Just another actor in a role. i never like something until someone says they like it to, wont wear it until its been approved. if i pick something out and i think i love it and the crowd sneer, i begin to dount and its back on the rail. I have no identity, i have no interests, desires, ambitions, friends or fos. Are you beginning to see how fun life is when your me.

So how can i wind this up bring it to the end. Either im sick or not. But then we must define sick, do we mean medically, does my mind lack the chemicals that will set me free. Or will society define me as sick for not fitting into their mould. "Its the way the world works" is not a good enough reason for me, why should i be constrained by the generation before me.i dont see the point ot life, man is already the strongest species, has already over-populated the earth, but i live because i am alive just like everyone else. Its Pathetic. A pointless existence, scarping money together to pay bills, feed children, years of stress and servitude to the "laws of the land" and for what? To die at the end ? Is this what i must live for, i must of missed the point, so someone please explain it to me.

Sigh... I Feel so empty, so numb, i hate these meds.

Isnt it strange that the person i consider to be my first love, i've never met, i bet you wont understand that either.

So doc before i go, am i sick or not? Is this just pretend, do i feel nothing necause i am not alive, and this is all a dream. No thats not right, when i passed that glass across my skin it did bleed. Im alive yes, well atleast medically. SO this must be the part where i get down, on my knees, call your name, pleasing for help. Will god have mercy on me? Who knows, its not like i believe. So over and out, im laying here, my heart stone cold, wouldnt you just love to be me ?

If you manged to read all of that, well done, and thank you, let me know what you think.


Staff Alumni
I think, TearsDrop, Cyesis didn't intend to irritate you, I think that, after reading such a post, it can be hard to sometimes come out with the right words ....
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