Tell Me Why I Should Stay Here

Discussion in 'Suicidal Thoughts and Feelings' started by sithspit, Apr 25, 2008.

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  1. sithspit

    sithspit Well-Known Member

    Hey all. Has been an awfully long time since I last posted here (or at least it feels like it). Sadly, this has nothing to do with me feeling any better - I just felt the site wasn't helping me.

    I'm posting here now because I feel I just have got to the "now or never" stage where I need to make some sort of last-ditch effort to save myself before I commit suicide. You know the kind of crazy, one-in-a-million shots that the good guys do in Hollywood films that saves the day when all things seem bleak?

    But I don't know how. My self-esteem, which I thought couldn't get any lower, is not just at the bottom of the barrel, but has gone into the one underneath. I try to throw myself into stuff - my work, Warhammer, games, going out, self-improvement, sex - but it doesn't work, and when I catch up with myself I just feel suicidal again.

    I am 21 years old, and am a manager for a betting firm. But I'm not the success I appear to be, nor does my life really seem to be going anywhere. I have no girlfriend (and no prospect of one), cannot drive, and really am not liked all that much by people. If I'm ever given a compliment, it's always "oh, you make me laugh", like I'm some sort of clown. I can't be taken seriously, or seen as anything other than a joker. I enjoy seeing people smile, but I wish I could be taken as a person rather than a walking comedy store by people.

    Today I was so close to doing it. So close. I actually had the bleach poured out, in the cup, ready to drink it. I was closing up at work, and because I'm the one opening tomorrow I knew I'd be long dead before anyone found me. I can't trust to tell anyone about this, and feel like it's something I have battled against but it's inevitable I'll end up dying - so is there any way someone can help save me? Give me a reason as to why I should live instead of putting this worthless, unloved, ridiculous fool out of everyone's way?
  2. Sadeyes

    Sadeyes Staff Alumni

    Because you wrote this post! Please indulge me a moment one of my favorite proverbs: (This is an old Taoist saying) "Beware what you think for they become your words. Beware what you say for they become your actions. Beware your actions as they become your habits. Beware your habits as they become your fate." In other words, the reason to stay must become what you is truly the first step (In my humble I think you are worth being here...big hugs, J
  3. dazzle11215

    dazzle11215 Staff Alumni

    I believe you should stay because there is, and always will be, only one of you: you are a unique creation, there is nobody out there with your outlook, your gifts and talents.

    Just being human makes you perfect in my eyes, and also makes you worthy of love, respect, peace and joy.

    What I am writing may be such a great distance from how you feel at this exact moment, but this is what I believe. We've never met but I see value in you, even though you don't at this moment. Some day this terrible, lonely time will seem like a bad dream. Until that day, let us help you.

  4. sithspit

    sithspit Well-Known Member

    That is an amazing saying, really thought provoking!

    I have no talents. I proved as much at church today - I gave a lot of money (over £75) because I knew I couldn't sing or dance or teach or give up my free time to help anyone else.

    Thankyou for your kind words, but I don't know how to get better. I post here occasionally in desperation and hope, but relief doesn't seem to come. If anyone can help me, I welcome you with open arms.
  5. lifeisashedog

    lifeisashedog Well-Known Member

    Stay here because I have all the problems you have plus no-manager-job and I'm seven depressive years older. It would be unnatural if you kill yourself before I do. :smile:
  6. RosiePosie

    RosiePosie Member

    Well unless you have a severe physical handi-cap (or mental in my case) once you hit rock bottom you can pretty much do whatever it is you want.
    I'm sort of there.
    I have a handi-cap which sucks,
    but I can pretty much do whatever I want.
    Now, when to do is the question?
    Need a crazy girlfriend to go traveling with :laugh:
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