I am going to tell my therapist today that I will not give up my stash of pills that I intend to use to kill myself. I have to be up front and honest with him. I am going to tell him that I do plan to kill myself rather than let my psychiatrist make me suffer the torture of ECT. I am very scared about what is going to happen to me. I don't want to give up my pills, they are my way out. I am sure he will be obligated to call the CAT Team and have me put on a hospital hold. I just hope that on such a hold they cannot force me to have ECT. If so, my brain will not be able to take it. I had ECT 10 years ago and suffered a lot of memory damage. Now I am 63, and that kind of memory loss will most likely trigger dementia. I will not accept that. I cannot accept that. If the insurance company wants to save my life, they have to let me have TMS. For the last 13 years no medications have worked for me. I am at the end of the road when it comes to medications. The only things left are alternative treatments. I know that my psychiatrist will not go for things like acupuncture or other holistic treatments. She has already talked about ECT for me. So taking an overdose of pills seems to be my only choice, unless by some miracle I am allowed to have TMS treatments. I am very scared about what is going to take place today. And if I am not in the hospital on Monday, I will have to go to my appointment with my psychiatrist. That scares me morel. I don't think anyone can help me, except for the insurance company. How likely is that? Good-bye to all. Vivian.