Discussion in 'Suicidal Thoughts and Feelings' started by dying_inside, May 24, 2011.

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  1. dying_inside

    dying_inside Well-Known Member

    im feeling so so alone...

    i have done it all right this time: the talking, the meds, therapy, parents... opening up... and yet im still feeling the same way. if not worse, because now i have been left with no hope.

    the pills are here,

    im so tempted...

    they could end it all. they could end my pain. it appeals me but also scares me...

    im looking for some hope... anyone have some to offer?
  2. kote

    kote Account Closed

    hi i know how you feel.
    ive been on edge now for 3 days and used all my support networks yet still feel the same.
    on piece of advice is that pills arent the way to go - more likely to end up more screwed up.
    im waiting it out as i usually change within a few days but so far no good.
    try and relax - forget about the pills as the do more harm unless its your prescribed dose - maybe try seeing you dr. on an emergency appointment. if im feeling the same on friday thats what im doing. i only have tuesdays and fridays to see him.
    if you feel real bad try the E.R and they maybe able to give you something.
    i often get strong injections of diazapam and it clears my head and heart and i feel clean again.
  3. Sadeyes

    Sadeyes Staff Alumni

    Hi and so sorry you feel so awful...you say you are 'opening up', is there someone you can tell you can really use him/her to tell you how much s/he cares? I find when I feel as you describe, being cared for and loved has a way of taking the sting off...just a thought and hoping you are doing better...J
  4. dying_inside

    dying_inside Well-Known Member

    I cant stop thinking about those pills.

    the reasons to do it and not to do it...

    what are the reasons to live?
  5. Marti2003

    Marti2003 Well-Known Member

    You are alive now, you are here for a reason, make something from your life, fight hard and you will find a reason to live... do not make an attempt, pls hold on, there are so many ways in life, you've got to find them....
  6. total eclipse

    total eclipse SF Friend Staff Alumni

    there is always a new door that will open always hope even when one does not see it it is there. give the pills to someone to hold onto okay and get outside go for awalk get out of that space you are in You are the reason to stay okay you can and will feel better therapy sometimes brings the sadness out but you can work thru this and have that peace you want hugs
  7. dying_inside

    dying_inside Well-Known Member

    i've just realized... i dont want to die, i dont want to live.

    i dont want to live.
  8. doityourself

    doityourself Well-Known Member

    Hi there, Get rid of the way out, dont take the pills. If I can be honest, ODs rarely work, and most times you wake up feeling like total shit that it failed and makes you sick, yes even sicker than you are now.

    The words you write sounds like me, you dont want to live, but you dont want to die. Its all so confusing sometimes, the want in you is still there and as long as its there you should give yourself the benefit of using that want and making it grow.

    Think about what in your world would make you happy? Most of us dont have the answers to that, do you? I think until we know that answer and know that its impossible then we owe it to ourselves and the ones around us to try everything to achieve the wants in life.

    I say this today, but of course tomorrow may be a differant story for me to, thats the thing, the fight in you is wanting you to live today, and hopefully will be stronger tomorrow.

    Hugs, my box is open if you ever want to talk.
  9. kote

    kote Account Closed

    how are you feeling today?
    i hope youre feeling a little better.
    im still not so great but tonight im making an effort and getting some exercise.
    it usually helps pull me back.
    i know how you say the pills are tempting - but i did a lot of research and even my dr. told me it usually ends up a botched attempt. ive so many pills next to me too but i never consider them a way out anymore.
    im wishing you well and hoping things become more clear for you soon.
  10. PyroJyro

    PyroJyro New Member

    You're love ones will miss you if you take your life and possible loved ones in the future.
  11. PyroJyro

    PyroJyro New Member

    ::hamster::hamster::hamster::pokeball:I CHOOSE YOU SQUIRT :turtle::turtle::turtle::turtle::turtle::turtle::turtle::
  12. dying_inside

    dying_inside Well-Known Member

    Doityourself, thank you for understanding.
    what would make me happy? i dont know. but even if i knew, i know it would be impossible for me to achieve OR i know that after some time i'd be able to turn it into something boring, in a prison, into something i dont want anymore. OR, if i had the luck that i did find something that makes me happy and it lasted, then im sure i will somehow lose it.
    am i making any sense?

    Neanderthal, maybe you're right, pills are not the best way out, but it's the only way i can see. hope you're feeling a little better too.
    i am fighting every minute...

    thank you all who answered for not leaving me alone.
  13. doityourself

    doityourself Well-Known Member

    Dont you owe yourself the chance of that little bit of happiness, even if its temporary that feeling is so worth every little piece it gives you.

    Im the same, I loose interest in everything!!

    About the only thing that I can say that I do enjoy is being outdoors, I like to camp-sitting by a camp fire is so calming and relaxing watching the flames dance. Very mezmerizing. Or hiking, walking through woods listening to birds or even seeing a snake that makes my heart jump out of my chest, I dont know it gives me this peaceful feeling. Sitting on a beach hearing the waves crash, thinking about whats out there in that ocean, all those little things bring me joy.

    You have to find yours, we all have them. It could be something as simple as taking a really long hot shower, or drinking a beer watching a game.

    I guess what Im saying is, once we get depressed and get our minds to thinking that killing ourselves off is the answer then thats what we start believing. We stop looking for the things in life that will change that mind set, well cause depressed people are just plain stubborn, and hard headed. I know Im one myself. Dont give up on your life, reteach yourself about what is actually around you, see the little things, feel the feelings that it gives you. Once you start seeing that you can feel relief and even weightless, you will see that you can be happy again.

    I hope today is treating you better than yesterday, Hugs.
  14. Petal

    Petal SF dreamer Staff Member Safety & Support SF Supporter

    Hi hun, I understand how you're feeling, I attempted recently and I regret it a lot. It was NOT worth it, the pain I caused my family and friends, I'm just glad I lived to tell the tale, you only have 1 life, get out there, get to know people, join some clubs, don't think of the pills. Enjoy your life and make the most of it. Is there a specific reason you want to end your life right now?
  15. jen1985

    jen1985 New Member

    Hi Hun
    How are you feeling? I know that is the worst thing to ask sometimes, but you've done the right thing by talking about how you feel. I know how you feel when you say you don't want to die but you don't want to live. I feel like that to. Please hold on.

    I've attempted 3 times in the past year. It was horrible seeing the faces of my family and friends afterwards. It's not worth it. You've family love you, we love you. You need to try and love yourself. I know that sounds like a cliche, but it's true.

    If your still feeling suicidal, you need to speak to a professional, have you got a care co-ordinator? Like a social worker or CPN (community psychiatric nurse)? Try and get into see your GP if you can. If it's out of hours, ring the emergency doctor or go down to your local A+E (E.R).

    You have done the right by talking about, I know it doesn't feel like it now, but it will. You have recognised these thoughts and are trying not to act on them. Be strong. Be strong for yourself, and for family and friends. They all love you.

    Let us know how you are feeling

    Jen x x
  16. dying_inside

    dying_inside Well-Known Member

    thank you for sharing what makes you happy, i'll pay more attention to what makes me happy. and i'll try to notice the little things and feelings too. the way you explained it made me want to feel that relief and weightless too. i appreciate your posts a lot, you make me feel understood. thank you so much.

    Inmemoryof you,
    there is not a specific reason i want to end it all. it's because of a long list of things that i dont want to do/experience... it's because life is pain, suffering, loss, and i want to avoid it. and because i feel my death is the only thing that i can control. so i feel i'd rather die at my conditions, when i want it and im ready than by chance.
    the pain i'd bring to my family is the only thing that keeps me alive.

    thank you for your post, i am feeling tired. tired of fighting. i've just seen my T but im not able to tell him how i feel. we kind of talk about it, but without saying and feeling emotions. he knows im sick of living, but thats all. i dont know how to speak about feelings.
    the pills are still tempting, but im trying to focus on how to live. thats something my T says i need to learn: how to live.
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