Terrified, I could really do with some advice.

Discussion in 'Suicidal Thoughts and Feelings' started by Ellie Grey, Dec 12, 2013.

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  1. Ellie Grey

    Ellie Grey Well-Known Member

    I wanted advice on something that happened today, it may seem a bit melodramatic but it's causing me a lot of stress. Firstly however I want to mention about how I'm feeling lately.

    I feel so ashamed for admitting this, but I've been stealing prescription painkillers and taking them. I've been taking the since around September-October, and I'm on my third box. I usually take them in class but I've taken a lot at home.
    I'm not physically addicted to them, but I get so upset and depressed I just want to numb everything away. Today after taking triple the recommended dosage (I take between 3-5 times the allowed dosage a few times every week) I got dizzy, felt nauseated and fell back onto my seat twice because my balance went.
    I just can't stop taking them, especially when the day is rough.

    Today I was sitting with this girl, her name is Alice. She has red hair, which a lot of kids get bullied for. Anyways, some other boys across from us were saying something and looking at us, I eventually heard "Smackhead"
    I don't know if this is a term used in other areas of the world, but it means a person who's addicted to heroin.
    They were smiling at me, but not a nice smile, that horrible smug smile. I then heard them say "She looks like a smackhead" and looked at me.
    I'll clarify now, and I hope this is not offensive. I've seen a fair amount of heroin addicts, I really don't want to sound offensive about this. They're usually thin, pale, gaunt, glassy eyed and have a vague expression. I'm a bit overweight, I've naturally got the paler version of olive skin, I wear makeup, I was on my phone listening to music and my hair was curly.
    I asked a couple people and they made it very clear I don't look like a heroin addict, so I can assume they just called me the first thing they thought off.

    They asked Alice for my number, house address, street name, etc. She completely ignored their existance and carried on using her phone. She's quite timid and shy.
    They then asked me, and I told them it was none of their business. They asked me "Why is your arm all cut up" I said "None of your ******* business" to which they started laughing.
    They then asked me for Alices address and number, and her name. I refused to tell them anything and referred to her as "She's a girl from the afternoon group".
    They then called her "Ronald" and Ronald is a character from Harry Potter who has red hair. I got really upset by this, because I knew they were going to say more stuff. I told them to P*ss off.
    They seemed very shocked that I dared utter such a thing to them, they looked at me like I was a piece of crap and that they were the bloody mafia, as if they were so important a mere peasant like me couldn't dare say such a nasty thing.
    They started laughing and this other boy walked out. They told him "She's just told me to p*ss off" and he looked at me and said something really upsetting for me.

    I have 2 hormone disorders, 1 is a sex hormone inbalance, so I have a low chance of fertility and get facial hair. :( I make sure I'm never hairy but occasionally from certain angles you may see it. However, the room was quite dark so the guy must have stared at me for a few seconds, I wasn't looking at him.
    All 3 of them said a few nasty things and walked out of the school. I instantly started crying and explained to Alice why I had that problem.
    I've had people mention it before. I've been attacked by a gang of older people, strangled, thrown into a bus stop and been jeered at, and I've been punched and chased by 1 boy in particular. That always haunted me because it all started because I had facial hair.
    Now, it just brought all that stuff back and I went upstairs. Alice tried to comfort me at first but I just didn't want to talk about it and left.
    I took the medication and cried for half an hour hysterically in the bathroom. I self harmed, and quite badly, enough that my clothes and the floor were soaked. I just felt so low again, so ugly and unfeminine.
    Now, I'm terrified I'll see them next week because they have the same timetable as me but in a different class, so I may see them. I'm not very physically strong and I know they kind of people they are, they will try and hit me if they don't see any teachers about.
    The teachers saw me running up the stairs and crying, and 1 of them came up. She suggested I ignore it, but there are 3 boys who have it in for me now. They're apparently going to get a warning tomorrow, but is not going to do anything, they're not going to listen and they're just going to get even worse. They won't make them go home or anything.

    My uncle says that he wants to come in tuesday and "have a word" with the boys, if you get what I mean. Thing is, it's a rough city and if that happens, they'll find out where I live and they'll get their families involved.

    My self esteem has plummeted again, I had to go back into my psychology class and I couldn't even look at anyone, especially Alice, in the face because of how ugly I felt, and I felt really upset crying in front of Alice because I hate crying.

    I really don't know what to do, I'm really upset and I've had a panic attack already worrying about next week when I see them, because I will see them at some point. I have a feeling if I walk out of the class and they see me, they're going to drag me into an alley and beat me up, because they way they looked at me, I just get that kind of feeling.
    I guess this may be in the wrong place, I don't know where else to actually put this. I have felt suicidal lately because of all the stress piling on me, but this problem is just making me really depressed and sad.
    Any advice?
  2. mpang123

    mpang123 Well-Known Member

    I know you said you're not addicted to the pain meds, but I think abusing them is just as bad. They can cause the panic attacks you've been feeling because you're so used to numbing yourself so that when you do feel something, you freak out. Plus overdosing on them can damage your liver and other organs in your body. I encourage you to seek professional help for addressing the issues that make you want to numb yourself. I know you're going through some rough times and I hope you get the help you need. Take care!
  3. MessengerFromHell

    MessengerFromHell Well-Known Member

    That is self harm. It will cause much more damage to you. It seems like you have some hooligans in school. Did you report this to your school?

    Therapy would be good for u..do you have a counsellor in school who you can see? Take care
  4. Ellie Grey

    Ellie Grey Well-Known Member

    I didn't have to report it, the teachers saw me and talked to me. They suggested I ignore it, they won't do anything else.

    I asked for counselling a couple weeks ago, they said it'll take several months and it definetely won't be before January. I turn 16 in a few months so chances are I'll have to wait an extra several months to speak to an adult counsellor/therapist.
  5. demuredawn

    demuredawn Well-Known Member

    Hi Ellie,

    I honestly feel that because you are abusing the pain meds for the strict purpose of numbing you out... you are getting addicted to them. I don't know if you are already or not, but I know the probability of become addicted is high. I'm not dumb enough to think that what the one teacher told you do "ignore them" is sound advice. At one time, yes, it was... ignore those that say mean things, and they can't hurt you... was the old rule to live by, but these days, no matter if you listen or not the first, second, third, fourth time... they keep coming back... until eventually you either hear their mantra in your head constantly, or they turn physically violent because you are pretending not to notice, or both. I know that.. because that happened to me even back in my days at school (I am 39 now). I won't even try to pretend that I know the fear you feel or the agony you endured today... but I will tell you, I have felt similar things from my days in school like when my step sister would get rumors started and people would jeer at me, or when people found out my mom had died and I became the weird kid because I had no mom, or when i got punched in the gut when I was in kindergarten by a 5th grader just cuz I happened to be looking in her direction. These are just small in comparison to you though. I am very glad that your uncle wants to be there for you, but maybe, you should encourage him to try to talk to the principal/parents/teachers... rather than "meeting the kids" ? Can you talk to your guidance counselor about this at all, would they be of any help?
  6. silentlyfading

    silentlyfading Well-Known Member

    Those lads sound like they are from my city. Birmingham uk lol. Look any lad that can disrespect and scare a female in that way are pussy's end of!! They do it to make themselves feel big because they will never be big enough to talk to a guy that way. Hate lads like that. if it is Birmingham uk then Ive got no problem having a 'chat' with em. With my past id put the fear of god in em. The fact that they are fools doesn't reflect on you in any way shape or form, the do it cus they are insecure. They'l get whats coming to them. Ive seen many lads like that come waltzing into my boxing gym all cocky and tough, they are different ppeopleby the time they have to be carried out.
  7. CGMAngel

    CGMAngel Well-Known Member

    Great post, silently. Very insightful. I wish there were more like you.
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