terrified I will tell all what I'm going to do

Discussion in 'Suicidal Thoughts and Feelings' started by Hazel Morse, Jun 2, 2016.

  1. Hazel Morse

    Hazel Morse Well-Known Member

    So...there was a going away party for all the people leaving the Worst School in China today. Everyone heard me lie, telling people I have another teaching job lined up in Australia. It's obscene. I feel everyone knows that I'm a loser who's being ejected at the word of a supervisor who has had it out for me from day 1.

    I'm terrified in this last week I'll lose my control and shout my suicidal plans when someone confronts me or snidely wishes me well (been getting a lot of that lately). I'm especially afraid of the supervisor, since she has turned everyone against me (it's a school joke how much she hates me, and how I just roll over and take it from her) will say something that will set me off. She is the reason I haven't applied for another job - she slobbered in my ear weeks ago that she had done everything in her power to ruin my professional reputation for ever.

    I've thought of many methods and really, really want to be found in her office when the deed is done. But I'm afraid that might be what she wants and I don't want to give her the satisfaction of thinking that she caused my death.

    What should I do? It's not like I'll be working again. I really want to tell off her lackey (the music teacher) that I know what she did and that she knew how much she pushed an unhappy woman over the edge. I'd like to write out every put-down, every unfounded accusation and criticism, every charge of thought crime up on the school Facebook page so I can show the students and families that I've been working for for seven years exactly why I chose to die.
     
  2. sofie

    sofie Banned Member

    It can be tempting to try to make a statement with our deaths but try to remember that your own family will also experience what and how you end it. It could be painful for them if you choose to air your complaints that way.
     
  3. Hazel Morse

    Hazel Morse Well-Known Member

    Thanks, but most of my family is simply disdainful of my depression and suicide: it's a silly weakness to them, and because I'm adopted I'm not a real family member in any case. My mother and brother would be angry but mostly because of how it reflected on them. I have no friends or dependents, so it's OK.
     
  4. sofie

    sofie Banned Member

    I am in no place to argue your points, I understand where you are with this and I hope you find a way to overcome it. I wish you peace.
     
  5. Hazel Morse

    Hazel Morse Well-Known Member

    Thank you. I'm sick with the injustice of it all. This woman is keeping me from receiving my salary, because she thinks I hate her. It's amazing she's so blind - I don't hate other people, I hate myself!!!
     
  6. NinaZ

    NinaZ Active Member

    I must be daft but it seems to me if you harm yourself, she'll win entirely. Why not be determined to rise above and prove her wrong by making a success of yourself somewhere else. I'd love to see her face when she hears you're doing better somewhere else - ultimate revenge.
     
    betteroffunknown and Jenumbra like this.
  7. Jenumbra

    Jenumbra SF Supporter

    Hazel, please get help, have you been talking to your therapist? You are giving your supervisor too much power over you, just because she made some professional threats which may or may not be true, that doesn't stop you from applying for work. Get reasonable colleagues to be your references. If you think your social skills are lacking, work on that in therapy, read article, books, etc. Do CBT, cognitive behavioral therapy and learn to talk back to your cognitive distortions.
     
    betteroffunknown and MisterBGone like this.
  8. Hazel Morse

    Hazel Morse Well-Known Member

    True, but I think she has made it impossible.