Terrified of being dumped..

Discussion in 'Suicidal Thoughts and Feelings' started by feathers, Jan 11, 2013.

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  1. feathers

    feathers Well-Known Member

    Lately I’ve been talking to my boyfriend L about how I want to eventually get married and have kids. He’s been clear that he’s unsure what he wants in his future.

    I was at buskers last night as I go to buskers every Thursday (my boyfriend and his best mate run it). Now you have to understand that L is an extremely lovely person and he’d never do anything to hurt anyone, so this was pretty out of character… My mates were singing that song about common people, and L said to me that I was common… I took offence to this, he then told me that I was “common as dog shit” which upset me a bit. I made clear that I didn’t like that he’d said it… Think he thought I was joking.

    We decided to stay out after buskers and go to a nearby rock club as it was my friend’s 21st birthday. On the way out of the bar, L just randomly turned to me and called me a slag. Also through the night he kept like pushing me away. So when we were on the dancefloor in the rock club he pushed me away and I just went to the toilets and hid because I felt so shit. He kept texting me and telling me to come out the toilets, he eventually came in. I left with him straightaway so he wouldn’t get in trouble for being in the girls toilets and then I cried. He didn’t even know it was because of him and when I told him he’d been being a prick all night he said he thought we were joking. I was still upset though.

    Then he started crying and didn’t stop. He wanted to go home and when we got in he started crying all over again, facing away from me. I eventually convinced him to tell me what was wrong and he said “I don’t think we can be together”. I just felt my insides drop. I asked why, and he said “we want different things” referencing the fact I wanted marriage and kids and he is unsure if he does. He tried to get me to stay and listen to why he felt that way but I didn’t need to hear it, I just needed to get out of there. So I got ready, he tried to stop me, he even came down to the front door crying and trying to get me to stay. I managed to get out eventually and he followed me into the street crying and asked if we were over. I asked if he wanted to be. He said no but he thinks it’s for the best or something. I just stormed away crying. My friends were still in the club so I got them to pick me up from near L’s house in the taxi. I just cried all the way from L’s house until I got home. At home I felt so suicidal. The first guy I have truly loved in 4 years and he just tears my heart out and abandons me totally out of the blue. He sent me texts saying “I think you saw this coming” no, I didn’t see it coming at all. I took my meds and eventually, with thoughts of wanting to just end my life, fell asleep.

    When I woke up in the morning, I was hoping that it was just because he was drunk, but he messaged me and he still seemed to want to split. That horrible feeling of heart-break, abandonment, suicidality, all just returned. I continued to text him telling him I wanted to be with him, that I loved him, he just said he wasn’t sure etc etc. I asked him to come over but he said he was tired. I said I’d go to his house. So I did. I went and eventually played the fact that he didn’t actually want to break up with my against him. He said that he felt like he was wasting my time as I wanted to get married etc. I told him that he wasn’t wasting my time at all because every single second that I’m with him I’m happy and peaceful and I just love him so much. In my relationships in the past 4 years it’s just always been a case of I haven’t been sure if I love them or not - I kind of go back and forth… Don’t know whether I want to be with them or not… But with him it was so different. One day the love for him just hit me and I’ve been sure about it ever since. I mean the relationship hasn’t been without its ups and downs… Whenever my meds are dodgy I go off on one and think about breaking up with him a lot… But when my meds are back to normal I just love him so much and I’d never think about leaving him.

    I cried a lot at his house and when he said that we could get back together I Just cried so hard. Being with him and knowing he still wanted me just made me return to that happy peaceful state he always makes me feel. We seem to get back to normal but ever since I left him I’ve just been constantly worrying. I’m terrified that he’s going to change his mind back again and I won’t be able to change it back. I’m starting to feel worse and worse and I’ve been cutting tonight. I’m going out with friends tonight as he has a gig with his band so I’m hoping that I feel a bit better later on.

    Kaz x
  2. total eclipse

    total eclipse SF Friend Staff Alumni

    Hun what he said to you was horrible hun you deserve someone that will love you and respect you hun You know your heart hun but this guy is trying to tell you something
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