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Terrified of Dying?

Discussion in 'I Have a Question...' started by Hazibell, Oct 7, 2008.

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  1. Hazibell

    Hazibell Well-Known Member

    Okay. This is probably a bit of a strange post to put on a Suicide Forum, but there may have been others before the same iunno.
    When I first came here there was bullying issues at school etc, cba to go into that again, and I did want to die, but didn't because I didn't want to leave mum etc etc.
    So at one point I was suicidal.
    Got better from that over a period of time. Did college, work, drama, met people, had some good times, some shit ones but they've more been situations more than depression again.

    Well, basically. I'm terrified of dying. I hate the thought of one day closing my eyes and never opening them again. I've never really told anyone this before. But I really do. I don't sleep unless I just doze off, for fear of never waking up again.
    The other night I was just sat in bed reading and just burst into tears because I looked around my room and thought 'One day all this won't mean anything. I won't be here. This won't be here. All the money in the world doesn't mean a thing because at the end of the day, however much we have, however much we spend on things, one day, its all just not going to be here anymore.'
    I am kinda strange really I guess. In a lot of ways I cba to get into. And even if I'm the happiest person in the world at a certain moment in time, I'll remember or think of something and I can come right back down so quickly.
    I have friends and everything. And even when I sit and think about them. Most of them, bar one or two, are like adults, either family or older friends I've made through drama who mean everything to me. I love them all so much. And just the thought they won't be here one day either.
    I don't want to have to see people I love go...and I don't want to have to go. I want to stay. Its selfish I know...and I know we have to make room for other people to come. And I know that we should 'live life to the full. enjoy every minute etc etc'. Been told all that.
    But really. I just can't stand the thought of dying. I'm actually terrified. :/
    Don't necessarily need anyone to reply to this. Just wanted to say it.
  2. gentlelady

    gentlelady Staff Alumni

    Maybe it is good that you have that fear Hazibell. I think many people share those same thoughts. It is an unknown and the answer is nowhere to be found. If it helps to keep you here, then welcome the thoughts. :hug:
  3. itmahanh

    itmahanh Senior Member & Antiquities Friend

    When I was young I used to have terror attacks about death. I would be unconsoleable and uncontrollable. And that fear has always stayed with me. But as I have grown, the fear is still there but it isnt front and foremost. And it is the same dread as yours. Just not being anymore. I couldnt fathom that idea. And what scares me even more now is that what I once feared until it physically made me ill is now somewhat of a comfort. Dont know if it is the situations my life has dropped in my lap or that I have "matured". I guess I'm just trying to say I understand exactly how you feel and what you are saying. But in the same token when I'm suicidal, that fear just doesnt exist.
  4. wastedmylife

    wastedmylife Well-Known Member

    I use to feel this way to, exactly how you feel, I have done so much damage to my body at this point I guess I just have to except this

    But like gentlelady said, I think it is good you feel this way, because maybe it will give you a passion for life, I really did have a passion for life at one point but I have done so many horrible things to myself it is basically over

    But I use to feel exactly how you do, I think maybe it is more of a fear of not living, I think maybe when you face death you come to face death because there is no way out, but yea I would suggest getting some therapy and trying to stay healthy, really the only important thing in life
  5. Hazibell

    Hazibell Well-Known Member

    Thank you so much for all your replies. I'm so sorry that other people have felt this too but it is kinda reassuring I'm not the only one.
    I told my adult friend about this tonight. And the reason I don't sleep in case I never wake up. She said she'd never really thought of things like this before, and it may be an idea to like talk to someone professional about it.
    itmahanh, I know what you mean about getting uncontrollable about it. Kinda felt like that the other night when I was happily reading then just burst into tears thinking that one day I won't be here and things, and I nearly called my mum. But she knows nothing about how I have felt recently. Only how I have felt in the past and things. She doesn't know anything about the recent crap with my ex or any of that. But I just so needed to call someone or cry with someone and I couldn't so just tried to ignore it and things.
    Was so hard, but stopped in the end.
    Its so horrible :(
    Thanks you again for replies!
  6. StellarSparkle

    StellarSparkle Well-Known Member

    Oh Hazibell, you've just described how I used to feel two years ago. I still do now, but by then it was much more intense.

    It all happened on a starry night when I was looking at the stars. I started to think about the universe and suddenly got into a downward spiral and became very afraid. It was such a horrible feeling. I developed a very strong fear of dying, and then I started to experience depersonalization / derealization which made my life a lot worse.

    I am glad I've learned to control this, and I avoid thinking about it as much as I can so I don't get triggered again :sad:
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