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Terrified of failing

Discussion in 'Suicidal Thoughts and Feelings' started by bob55, Aug 25, 2012.

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  1. bob55

    bob55 Member

    For the longest time, I have thought about how I would commit suicide. But because I don't want an unlucky kid to stumble over me hanging from a bridge, or someone having to scrape pieces of me off walls etc. I have decided on faking a natural death. The way I will do it should make it look like a a heart failure, and if successful should not take more than 30 sec to a minute. The only real problem is that if I fail, I might survive for hours or even days in extreme pain. And in the very worst, but most unlikely case, it won't even kill me.

    I have failed in every single thing I have ever done in life, and the thought of me being known as the incompetent idiot that couldn't even kill himself is scaring me.

    I have already started to "burn the ships" so that I have no choice but to end it, but I am still not overly confident that I will be able to man up and do it.

    I am not really asking for anything here. I just need to get it out, and it is not like I can talk to anyone about this without being anonymous.
  2. You are never a failure. You need to do something to realize your own potential. Maybe run a marathon and finish it. Feel the glory after completing your first marathon? No one is a failure here. I used to think I am a failure too until (look at the achievements at my signature below).. :hug:

    Please don't kill yourself. It takes time to realize your own true potential and achievements. Trust me I have been in on this before and have my entire family members calling me a failure and a weak asthmatic.
  3. Drake

    Drake Well-Known Member

    We are not allowed to tell you how or what , since too many drama kids would exploit it .

    Basically you don't seem in that stage bob , just lower your standards ... try considering yourself a new fresh life .
    One more time into the fray my friend , don't burn bridges till you know for sure .

    Sorry in your situation a lot of things can happen , so sit yourself down go trough it again and think is it worth it ?
    Or maybe a new start can solve it . even if it is hard , it is still beter then not having tried that .
  4. bob55

    bob55 Member

    -"You are never a failure"
    I am actually. A few years ago when I went to a shrink, one of the assignments he gave me was to think of things that I had done in my life and write down the things that I did good at, even if it was small things that I normally would not think about.
    I went home and started thinking about pretty much everything. From trivial things like video games, drawing and creative writing etc to important things like social interactions, physical prowess, humour etc. And when I came back to the shrink, I had nothing written down. I had spent an entire week trying as best I could to think of anything that I was good at, and I had nothing.
    We started talking about things that I enjoyed, because he felt that if I enjoyed something it had to mean that I had some skill at at. As it turned out, I had stopped doing pretty much everything that I used to enjoy precisely because I never got good at any of them, and thus it had stopped giving me enjoyment, and gave me only frustration and anger instead.
    It has been several years since I stopped seeing him, since it did nothing for me except making me even more depressed. And so far, the only thing that I can honestly say I am good at is lying and manipulating people. Which is handy to have, but not really something that gives me any satisfaction at all.
    And even if I found something that I was genuinely good at, it would not solve my problems. While my failures in life is most certainly part of my problems, it is not the core of it.

    Know this... I am not some angsty teen that thinks my world is over because I hit an obstacle or two. My problems are not something that can be solved by just thinking positive, or discovering that I am slightly better than the average human at running. Maybe if I found something 15 years ago it would have helped. But I have just been getting lower and lower for every passing year. It is at a point where I don't get any enjoyment from anything. I only go visit my friends and family because they get something out of it. Not me. I am just sitting here alone in pain, pretending that everything is fine so that they won't bother me with trying to help.

    I know you were just trying to help. But I know very well my potential, and it is pathetic.
    I would much rather face reality and realize that I am useless, than trying to fool myself by lowering my standards.
  5. Drake

    Drake Well-Known Member

    That is the thing isn't it bob , first is realisation , second is learning to enjoy a step back .
    Lower the border , you are good at lying , so you very good at lying to yourself !

    To be a good Liar , you need to convince yourself that it is the truth , so you convinced yourself that you are pathetic .
    Why you have to be the best ? , everybody is mediocre or poor at something .
    Just some exceptional cases are superior at something , it is accepting your own flaws and limitations .
    Then going forward , I know you are not a teen , you know I am not a teenager .

    But it is reading between the lines and the context and understanding the situation .
    That I say you can pull this trough , you just have to stop lying to yourself , start with simple things enjoyable things.
    Like go out early drink a cup of coffee and just enjoy the surrounding or watching people .
    Since you always do that to manipulate people , turn it into a more enjoyable aspect for yourself , without gains .
  6. bob55

    bob55 Member

    I don't mind not being the best at any thing. But it would be nice to be at least good at something, but I'm not.
    And lying to myself? That is exactly what I would do if I lower my standards. Pride is something that should be earned by excellence. It is not something that a person that is honest to himself can gain by telling himself that mediocrity is excellence. That will not bring pride, but shame.
  7. Drake

    Drake Well-Known Member

    Pride and Shame . two emotional concept that keeps people going

    The concept of a lot of things , you are ashamed , thinking only way out is death , and consider that pride ?
    But you do not want to die , there is. big difference between that ,

    Sorry if pride is that high on the list , then you wouldn't be feeling ashamed already
    Pride is something positive , never negative , you either have it , or you pretend you have it .
    By Pretending you have it , but deep inside feel ashamed , I guess it says it all .

    So maybe to you lowering your standard is beter , to be a good con artist , one must be able to con himself .
    So basically when you are trying to argue solutions , instead of saying a possibility .
    Means you are already caught in a paradox , and a paradox of your own creation .

    Since you ask for means , simply says death is not acceptable option either .
    See what I mean ?
  8. bob55

    bob55 Member

    If you had read my posts, you would notice that I said that while my constant failure is part is my problem, it is NOT the core of it.
    Even if I found something that I could be proud of, it would not outweigh all the other shit in my life that makes me miserable.
  9. Drake

    Drake Well-Known Member

    That is the problem with a lot of people , ok let say in my case have no debts , had a wonderfull GF , didn't had to work .
    Saved enough people , solved enough problems .
    Lived in many countries , can socialise fit in with the elite as well as the poor .
    Seen enough that most people can't even accept in 1 life time .
    Still I long for the end of this life , see problems everybody has them .

    It is the people who can appreciate the good things , and accept and work around it that succeed .
    Even if all the negative outweighs the good .

    Sadly in my life , since have found peace and tranquility , that nothing can reproduce in this reality .
    It become a problem I cannot overcome . even something good can become a problem .

    Sorry maybe you think I don't understand you , but I do understand you , it's sadly people have problems understanding me .
  10. Jack Rabbit

    Jack Rabbit Well-Known Member

    What you've got is depression. It distorts your vision of reality and nothing looks good - or good enough. But realize it is a distortion, and it is treatable.
    How do I know? Because you already told us something you are good at - and you didn't even see it.

    You said you spend time with friends because they get something out of it. That means that you are a good friend, even if you can't see it. This is something you need to trust their perception, not your own.
    And being a good friend is a rare and precious thing. Don't screw it up by suiciding and leaving them to wonder where they went wrong. I know it wouldn't be their fault, but that is something non-suicides just don't get, just can't get. No matter what, they will miss you, and they will always wonder what they could have done.
    Stay safe, even if it's just one minute at a time.
  11. Baka

    Baka Well-Known Member

    Thanks for the post bob55, not a thanks for how you're feeling but hitting it right on the head with my biggest fear, that I'm going to fail. Think everything is in place and am not going to be outside, least I hope not, but if I fail like in everything else then would be at such a loss what to do next, those thoughts of what could go wrong have gone through my mind quite often as of late.
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