terrified of taking the road of return *may be triggering*

Discussion in 'Self Harm & Substance Abuse' started by yeahmayb, Jan 11, 2007.

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  1. yeahmayb

    yeahmayb Antiquitie's Friend

    right now, I'm sitting so angry at myself, for allowing my life to get to the point where I would sit trying to figure out "how" to cut to where I wouldn't be caught, to where it would just get me through the moment, just this once. I have stopped cutting for a long time. I have so much stress right now, and just no release of it, and the cutting releases and gets me through that moment, makes me feel what I deserve, if it is there.

    I know that I label each cut. I've been through this SO many times.....I have an overwhelming thought, I cut--labeling it, it aggrivates me, I aggrivate the cut--eventually as I move on to another issue--another cut--that one eventually heals on the outside---and is set aside for the moment on the inside.

    There are so many things that I want to cut for each of them, I know I wouldn't stop with a cut---I would cut for each of them--and it is an issue I can't start. I know it would probably end a relationship that I really want for life---yet--I am terrified my old shit is going to totally screw things up totally, I should have been back to a healed spot in my life before starting a relationship--of course--for some of us----it is a rollercoaster, I just want off of the ride ya know.

    I've sat for hours--thinking of where could I cut that wouldn't be noticed?? Shit, maybe just beat the shit out of something---no---everything is noticed, and I don't want to screw up my life more. I've figure out a way---yeah--it is doubtful it would be noticed--but it isn't going to give that satisfaction---it isn't going to give that rush. A little while ago--I ripped a nail accidentally---I've had to just leave it alone because I want to tear it up more---just to feel---to put something to the physical, that I don't dare touch it---even something so every day--so simple---is so hard......

    why is it we get that rush---why is it we can't stop with one---why is it we are so screwed up there is no other outlet??? lol---i'm not in the "in" crowd here--I figure I am just blowing hot air---like a few other posts I have made around---that have been ignored. SHIT this is making me want to cut deep enough to see the pulse gush out of it...................................... why in the hell am I worried about saving a relationship that I don't deserve----that will end up me screwing up anyway without meaning to or forseeing screwing it up----so why not just release and cut and cut for that toooooooooooooo
     
  2. yeahmayb

    yeahmayb Antiquitie's Friend

    blew it.........so many years--------it only made me want to NOT stop---

    Looking around trying to find reasons not to do more--not to just end it----

    chat is more triggering---people asking questions that just trigger the want for dying........

    how to stop--why stop????????

    why not just continue until--------
     
  3. theleastofthese

    theleastofthese SF Friend Staff Alumni

    I'm sorry you feel so badly right now.:sad: I wish for you some measure of peace to come into your life. Sending you love and hugs and hope and support.:smile:

    love,

    least
     
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