Right. This is hard. Bear with me, please. Um, maybe I'll tell you a bit about myself, which might explain how I came to be here? That might work. Sorry if I'm rambling but I'm about out of my mind with panic. Anyway, I'm a 31 year old man. A former soldier currently serving as a coastguard officer and trying to join the Royal Navy. I'm also a UK Civil Air Patrol pilot and a volunteer firefighter so, as you can see, I have a lot to lose if my current state of mind ever becomes known to certain parties. That's my problem, you see...how do I get help without jeopardising all the things I love doing? If I go to someone they'll lock me up or at least put down on paper somewhere that I'm 'mental' or something and then I really would have nothing to live for. I haven't been quite right for a few months after being involved with a SAR mission that was only partly successful. Now it seems my reaction to even the slightest problem is 'I know, I'll go and kill myself'. I can't talk to my wife as she's angry at me just now for being so selfish and irritable lately and I'm scared to leave the room because if I do I know the next place I go will be the shop to get< edit mod total eclipse method> I don't want to die like that, <edit mod total eclipse mehtod> but I feel I have to. I don't know what to do. I'm sorry about this. My head is pounding and I can't seem to see. I don't know if any of this makes sense. Sorry.