Terrified

Discussion in 'After Effects' started by mpang123, Dec 19, 2013.

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  1. mpang123

    mpang123 Well-Known Member

    Here I am again. After my last attempt, I have lost all my friends. They are scared that if they somehow upset me, I might go off the deep end again, as if it's their fault. However, I'm terrified of making friends because I don't feel I can connect with anybody without fear of making a friendship. One moment, I avoid friendship but then, I wish I had friends. Anybody feel the way I do?
     
  2. demuredawn

    demuredawn Well-Known Member

    how long ago was your last attempt? ie how long have these feelings been going on?
     
  3. mpang123

    mpang123 Well-Known Member

    DemureDawn,

    Thanks for replying. My last attempt was April 22, 2012 where I was on life support and almost died from a massive OD. I've been struggling with suicide ideations and multiple attempts since 1993. Over the years, I sabotaged making friends and I still struggle with trust in relationships, whether be just friends or romantic opportunities. I just keep screwing things up.
     
  4. demuredawn

    demuredawn Well-Known Member

    you reach out to a lot of ppl here, myself included.... so i assume we are not included in the fear of getting too close to ppl. is that because we are online and not real life? (altho honestly in my mind, we are real life too because beyond these words i am sitting in my liviing room on a chair in front my computer desk and i am breathing and my heart is beating and i am thinking.. hence, i too am real) I can understand the fear of not wanting to hurt people, but, could it also be a fear of being hurt?

    I fear both things but I fight through them, I generally wind up getting hurt in the end though too... so I'm not sure what is good advice or not. I just want you to know that you are not being ignored and that I am here if for no other purpose than to listen to you.
     
  5. wyngedbyste

    wyngedbyste Well-Known Member

    mpang123, I understand what you're saying. I've been trying to kill myself for the past 40 years, with multiple tries. I'm a difficult friend to have, mostly by choice. An introverted, cantankerous attitude and trust issues, coupled with the inability to suffer fools and bipolar disorder, have made it difficult for me to let people get close and to keep them close. I realize this is my own responsibility. I could try to change, but I'm a little old for that now. Plus, I really don't have the energy or the will. Still, I've had friends. Few. Never more than one at a time. But I've enjoyed them until they passed. Looking back, I think they were a lot like autumn leaves. They're there, then they're gone, because that's how it has to be. For me.

    Byste
     
  6. mpang123

    mpang123 Well-Known Member

    Byste, my neighbors walk on eggshells when they see me. They are so scared that they might upset me with their problems that I would get overwhelmed and depressed and try to attempt suicide again. Over the past 1 and a half years, I have to keep proving to them that I'm not suicidal anymore, and the thought of doing it again terrifies me. But then when someone offers me friendship, I freak out and push our potential friendship away. I don't feel like I want any friends so I can just be in peace with myself but then I complain about being lonely. My social anxiety doesn't help either. People passes me by, then come and go, like blowing in the wind. I've gotten used to that and I don't bond with anyone anymore. I like this forum because I can make cyberspace friends and open up to them and make connections that way. I feel safe because I can vent and know you guys won't freak out on me and call the law on me. I do wish I could get to know my cyberspace friends better, but I'm too shy and insecure to take a risk in developing a relationship. No offense, it's just me. I'm tired of making friends and then lose interest in keeping up with the friendship. I know that sounds mean, but I just don't do good with socializing. Unless I work on it with my therapist, I will keep pushing potential friends away and that's so sad and lonely. I guess I asked for it.
     
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