Terrifyingly, desperately lonely

Discussion in 'Suicidal Thoughts and Feelings' started by frew, Oct 1, 2016.

  1. frew

    frew New Member

    Hi everyone.

    I don't really have anyone else to talk to, so I made an account here. I have no friends, and I feel so desperate. Every friend I've had since the age of 12 has eventually rejected me. I have had two close friendships disintegrate in the last few weeks. One of them rejected me in the most painful way possible, he criticised almost every aspect of my personality, said I was going to die alone, I was wasting my life, told me I had never even bothered to get to know him (not true at all, I cared deeply about him), invalidated every feeling I expressed. Said that everyone thought the same about me (that I was annoying etc) but didn't want to create an awkward situation by saying anything to me.

    I feel so lost as I don't know how not to be annoying, have more common sense, be less quiet, I don't know how to basically change my personality just so people will like me more. I don't really think I should have to, but I have come to the conclusion that my personality, despite all my good points (kind, sensitive, intelligent etc) is essentially 'wrong' to most people. I am currently at university and most people on my course basically ignore me, even if I have tried to get to know them. I go in most days and watch everyone in their groups and feel so alone and terrible. It is has been like this since I was a teenager, and the hope of it ever changing is dwindling now. Like my friend said (he somehow tuned into my deepest fairs and insecurities, entrenching their possible truth in my mind) I am wasting my life and I will die alone if I carry on like this.

    I live with other housemates but I barely see them, everyone has their own lives, their own friends. This is how it is with the few friends or aquaintances that I do have, everyone has their solid group of friends to go back to, and I have no one. I haven't gone for a night out in months, no one ever invites me. The friend I mentioned earlier treated me horribly because he didn't need me anymore, he got back in contact with his old friends and is now out having fun with them every weekend, while I'm alone. (The injustice of that is killing me, I have to admit). I have no partner or love interest, I want someone to hold me so badly, to care for me.

    I am doing CBT for anxiety, but that is coming to an end soon, and my therapist doesn't really want me to talk about life stressors anymore, as we don't have much time left and she wants to get the CBT done. Everyone has been shunting me around for months, telling me to go someone else about my problems, they can't deal with it, there's no time, sorry I have loads of stuff on, you're being stupid/irrational etc. The fact is that I can't deal with the constant rejection I've had for years, but I keep being told that it's all in my head, I'm too sensitive or negative. I say, 'what if it's true?' and the person I'm talking to just looks at me with frustration.

    I don't know, I've just come into crisis now, but I don't have any support at all, I feel like I've used up all my options, I'm sad and heartbroken over so many things, I'm so isolated and I don't know how to relate to anyone anymore. I need help but I don't know where to turn, as I feel my problems are to with who I am fundamentally as a person. At the same time I'm very mixed up an confused and have no idea what's true, what's not true anymore. Sorry for such a long post, but as I've mentioned I don't really have anyone to talk to and all this has been building for months inside of me. Thanks for reading.
    Lnlyhart7 and Thauoy like this.
  2. moxman

    moxman I am proud to call Rosie, my best friend =) Forum Pro

    You are not alone anymore , you have us. We will give you emotional support and will lend an ear, when you have problems. If you get really bored read my story below in green.
    frew, Unknown_111 and calvinandhobbs like this.
  3. GameADDict

    GameADDict Aspiring psychologist

    I understand how you feel. I constantly feel the loneliness eating me from the inside out.

    I've never fit in or belonged with anyone I have met. Most of my friends stabbed me in the back or turned their backs on me. I've also never experienced love before. I'm nothing but a broken, hollow shell of a human being, so I doubt I'll ever find a significant other. Although love never lasts and only ever ends in heartache, so perhaps it's for the best.

    It's cool that you're in University. I plan on going to Uni to get a PhD in psychology after high school, if I'm actually capable of acquiring it, that is.

    I also have anxiety, as well as depression. I often wonder why I'm even this world. Everything seems so damn pointless... Anyways, I don't wanna ramble any longer. I just hope that knowing you're not the only one who feels this way helps you, somehow.

    Feel free to PM me if you wanna chat. I'm online at extremely arbitrary times though. So I may not answer right away.
    Unknown_111 and frew like this.
  4. Unknown_111

    Unknown_111 Forum Buddy Staff Alumni SF Supporter

    A very late welcome to the forum and the SF family.
    frew likes this.
  5. smackh2o

    smackh2o SF Supporter

    I'm not afraid to admit I shed a tear for your post. It's like this for so many of us, being rejected when we need acceptance the most. To take kind people and make them think they are worthless and wrong.
    There are people out there who are not so quick to judge and who won't just abandon you. You just can't let the ones who have deserted you make you think that no one wants to be your friend. It's not their fault either. They are about as sensitive as a house brick and I pity them.

    If you need to talk you are more than welcome.
    frew and Unknown_111 like this.
  6. Lnlyhart7

    Lnlyhart7 Member

    I TOTALLY FEEL YOU FREW! It's going to be ok though. If you have no one else to talk to, then I will gladly lend a listening ear & heart, as I'm sure most of us on here will.
    frew likes this.
  7. Lnlyhart7

    Lnlyhart7 Member

    Oh and WELCOME to SF...U have friends here
  8. Flaxney

    Flaxney Well-Known Member

    Have you ever considered signing up with Meetup.com and searching for like-minded people to socialise with? Or considered volunteer work? What sort of hobbies do you pursue? If you don't suffer from social anxiety then maybe you should visit art galleries and similar locations and engage strangers in conversation. If people reject you then simply move on, and don't waste your time on ungrateful and uninterested individuals. I don't have any friends either and all of my attempts over the decades have ended in nothing but rejection, however you have to retain a positive mindset and shift your focus on to other pursuits, other people cannot be in charge of your happiness.
    frew and JustCan'tQuit like this.
  9. JustCan'tQuit

    JustCan'tQuit Well-Known Member

    What you recounted here isn't the last speech of an exasperated "friend." It's emotional abuse. Someone realized you were vulnerable and went after you when you were down. Believe me, this person has more problems than you do.

    There are good people in the world. Flaxney's advice is good. Try to find ways to meet people through shared interests. In the meantime, be a caring friend to yourself. Treat yourself. Make your days brighter. You are worthwhile whether there's anyone else in your orbit at the moment or not. Eventually, you will make better friends.

    It can take a while to get over isolation, especially if your past experiences with people haven't been great. But eventually you will find your way...
    frew and moxman like this.
  10. frew

    frew New Member

    But why? I don't understand why he did it. Especially as he once hugged me for a solid 5 minutes so tenderly and intensely. I'm just confused? Thank you for saying that it's emotional abuse because that's what I was thinking too and needed confirmation. I don't understand why someone who once cared for would turn around and viciously try and hurt me?
  11. JustCan'tQuit

    JustCan'tQuit Well-Known Member

    I really couldn't say. The intensity isn't normal in either direction. You may feel confused, but he is more so. There's something in his past, perhaps, or in his emotional make-up, that is leaving him unbalanced.

    The only thing I'm sure of is that this isn't about you.
    frew likes this.