Terror

Discussion in 'Help Me! I Need to Talk to Someone.' started by Oloriel, Jan 4, 2011.

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  1. Oloriel

    Oloriel Well-Known Member

    Sorry if I should prolly not be posting this here, but even in my safe haven of SF I don't know where to turn. I just feel like I am trapped inside myself, shackled by my meds for one thing - they make me hallucinate and it's hard to maintain control of my body and balance. If I ever got drunk, this might be what it's like. I just feel alone, and I feel like an outsider in any thread I consider posting in and in the end I decide not to post. I try not to PM anyone thinking they'd rather not hear from me, I'd just be a slight, momentary annoyance that they'll brush off and forget right away. And in the chatroom, I feel uncomfortable entering in the middle of other conversations. Surely their discussions are more important than my insecurity. So I lurk. And if I get my chance to talk, I end up downplaying my fears, when really I am absolutely terrified tonight - of myself, of going to bed, the darkness, the cold, the nightmares and terror sweats that are sure to come - god, the nightmares. They're getting worse, and inescapable. Some nights I feel free, some nights I don't dream at all, and then they're back, scenes and stories of fear and pain that never interconnect, but always strike me critically. Sleep is my only refuge, but now even that's been penetrated, and I avoid it. I'm scared to sleep, scared to be awake, scared to be alone, but too ashamed and nervous to seek out company, even here. So I'll post this - a brief vomit of my fear to no one in particular. No one has to read it if they don't want to, it is just a waste of your time, and I'm sorry for making this post at all. But this bile has to go somewhere - I am choking on it. I want to cry, I want to scream, I want to slash and cut myself and the petty new year's resolution I made to not cut all year seems too rash and optimistic, and I doubt I will last the month fulfilling it. I need to feel the blood, the pain, something that isn't choking fear. If I strangle myself again, then maybe I can cut off the thoughts from tearing at me. I have been thinking of burning as well - not direct flame, but hot frying pans, candle wax, scalding water. Anything to relieve this fear! I don;t know what to do! I just wish I could die. Curl up in bed beside my love, who is far away, sleep beside him, and sleep forever. He's the only happiness I have, and I have to hold on for him - for me too, he says. But all I want is to hold him one last time, and then let go. I wish it were as easy as letting go. I would do it now. There's tears in my teacup. I can't do this anymore. I'm sorry. If you read all this crap, then thank you for listening. Thank you. You mean everything to me, just the thought that you might be out there somewhere. No more. Can't do it anymore.

    I won't kill myself. I don't know what I'll do tonight, but dammit I will wake up tomorrow god-forsaken morning alive, for him. But I just can't do this anymore, none of it. I don't know how to escape it, and I'm so, so scared. Of everything. Myself. I wish it would all go away. I don't wnat it. I just want to be happy again, that's all. God, I wish I was dead. I wish it felt real when I smile. I wish I could just go to bed and not wake up. I wish I was with him.

    No more, no more, I can't anymore. I'm sorry. No more of this. I'm so sorry.
     
  2. Fitzy

    Fitzy Well-Known Member

    Oh Sweety it isn't a waste of any one's time. You sound in so much pain. I wish I could help but I'm feeling many of the same things myself and I don't want to make you feel worse! I just wanted to acknowledge your post and your pain.
    I am sure you will get better responses than this.
    Take care x
     
  3. CatherineC

    CatherineC Staff Alumni

    I want to post but I only have a couple of minutes before I log off, I'll be back hopefully in a couple of hours and will post then
    x
     
  4. total eclipse

    total eclipse SF Friend Staff Alumni

    I read it all and i am so sorry you arein som much pain. Are you seeing a therapist Oloriel and how often Working through all this pain will take time and will take energy but at the end of it all there is light is happiness and hope
    I have been in therapy 2 years now and i have learned better ways to cope I have less dark nights and more light now.
    Your meds are causing you to hallucinate does your doctor know that perhaps a change in medication is needed
    Hold on okay for your love one for now but in time you will hold on for you
    Talk therapy with a good psychologist one that deals with your kind of pain is needed okay and it will get dark before it get lighter but it has to be done.
    I started on antidepressant what a difference that made more energy more insight more fight in me now
    I hope for you is to reach out to get help NOW okay don't wait like i did 30 some years without help i waisted so much time
    Get help now okay please and you won't bother me i won't push you aside think lightly of you I care because i know how lonely it gets
    PM me anytime just to talk cry vent i am listening i understand i care hugs
     
  5. Junesong

    Junesong Member

    You're not wasting anyone's time, people are here to unburden themselves and listen at the same time - it's a good environment to talk about yourself where there is a compassionate audience with some individuals who understand how you're feeling. People ask to be PM'd because they want to be there for people who need someone to talk to, they might not be able to say some magical words that make your problems disappear but if doing this helps you please do not hesitate!

    You need to see that you and your problems are no less important than anyone else's, so please don't let that get in the way of you opening up - we're all here to listen. :hug:
     
  6. BornFree

    BornFree Well-Known Member

    :console: Oloriel!

    You are not alone! Just wanted to send loads of love and hugs... and to say I am thinking of you... while words are not enough, just know you are not alone and you can PM me anytime too. I struggle with finding words, but really do care especially if someone else is struggling too.
    This world and its pain is not easy, but we can get by with a little help from our friends! Hang in there!

    Take care of yourself!
    Ditsy xxx
     
  7. dazzle11215

    dazzle11215 Staff Alumni

    ptsd is a bitch. no way around it. but there are some practical things you can do to feel a bit better. start with the nightmares. there's a drug called propranolol. it's specifically to stop you having such an emotional response to your nightmares and flashbacks. you still dream but without the terror. i've been on it for 6 months and it has made a huge difference. please ask your doctor for a prescription. once you start to feel better about sleep, once you start to get some sleep you can start to heal. your body needs to rest. i do understand why you are frightened of sleep, i was too, but this drug really works.

    the next thing is to find a good trauma therapist or program. can your doctor make some calls for you? can you post what city you are in, maybe someone on here can do some research for you. group therapy makes a difference, you learn that you are not alone in these feelings, you learn about your strengths, that you are a survivor, a fighter. you are resilient. the bad stuff has already happened and you don't have to live through it again. now is time for healing, for wellness.

    about the self harm, i believe you will be able to stop when it is time for you to stop. be kind to yourself, if you slip forgive yourself and recommit to some healthier self-soothing techniques. i have self harmed on and off for 30 years. i recognize that it is simply a coping technique i turn to when i am overwhelmed. i do my best but don't beat myself up when i slip. it has served me well. make a deal with yourself, cut if you must but only a little bit and only enough to feel better. you will be able to stop as you build other coping strategies into your life. that's where the trauma therapy comes in. they will teach you other ways to cope.

    thinking of you and sending you a big hug, if okay

    c.
     
  8. Oloriel

    Oloriel Well-Known Member

    Thank you everyone for your responses, everyone. I want to reply more to each of you in turn, but I just kinda tumbled out of bed and I only got what, three hours of sleep so far? >.< So I am feeling a little too dazed to focus. I will try to rest more, and then return.

    :hug: for you all.
     
  9. may71

    may71 Well-Known Member

    Hello Oloriel!

    I would like to give you a proper reply later on, but for now, just want to send you some hugs and love and hope that you feel better soon!

    oh, and some Giraffes too!

    :Leiaha::Leiaha::Leiaha:

    :hug::hug::hug::hug::hug:
     
  10. kote

    kote Account Closed

    i read through everything and felt your pain in every word.
    its so much like my story.
    amongst other things ive got chronic insomnia.
    i get phases where i get the nightmares and dont want to sleep because of the fear.
    i take a whole host of medicine to combat it now. but in the early days it was so hard and paralysing. if i had a bad night i couldnt work the next day. now ive been off work for 3 years and slept most of it away.
    things ive found helpful is taking medicine for panic attacks before sleeping. ( along with my sleeping meds ) ive just done so now as i had a bad night and was too restless to sleep again during the morning. also a warm bath and hot chocolate.
    i also keep the tv on all night as it feels i have a conection to the world when in a light sleep. in a deep sleep and nightmares i imagime myself to a blue room where its my safe place and nothing harmful can come anywhere near - this is difficult to do but with practice its possible.
    i hope some of this can help as i know how crushing sleeplessness can be!!!
    take care and sweet dreams. you can pm me anytime as im usually awake at bizzare hours.
     
  11. Oloriel

    Oloriel Well-Known Member

    And here I am again, same thing but worse. I got into bed after taking my sleep meds, and suddenly I am going though a spiral of terror and hallucinations, eveny time I close my eyes there are monsters, demons, nothing makes any sense. I tried to paint some of them just now to see if it helped, but they came out all garbled and my brush tore through one of the papers. I spilled ink all over the kitchen too. I tried to choke myself, but I can't die tongiht, not after my boyfriend and I have begun planning a trip together, I have something to live for. But I want to die so badly, so badly, I dont know what to do. I need to sleep, I have to wake up in four hours, I have class and an exam, and I can't fail. I jst wish the demons would go away - I'm afraid to close my eyes, but I need to sleep, I havce to, I can't spend my whole night up in terror like this. I tore my third painting to shreds. Eyes, always eyes, his eyes, and his friends, his family, my parents, nameless eyes, thousands of them glare at me from the darkness and I'm scared, I don't know what they want, but I feel like he raped me in front of all those eyes and no one even noticed.

    More to say, don't tknow how to say it. Sorry for another post of drivel before Iproperly thanked you wonderful people helping me. Goes to show how useless I am. it meant everything to me, and look how I show my thganks - runnign to you crying for help again,
     
  12. dazzle11215

    dazzle11215 Staff Alumni

    big hugs!

    i'm serious about hte propranolol. it starts working immediately and will give you respite from teh nightmares. it's def. worth trying.
     
  13. may71

    may71 Well-Known Member

    tokyo has some good acupuncture I think, btw


    the sleeping pills themselves may be contributing to the nightmares


    some new meds might be good
     
  14. kote

    kote Account Closed

    im also in japan and seriously "messed up".
    ive been here quite a while though and its just the daily grind which finally snapped all my strings.
    but after trying many drs. i found an excellent one and he has helped in all my troubles.
    im on the opposite side to tokyo though otherwise id say meet up and discuss our problems.
    keep on working at everything as soon you will have a break through. i had to have a breakdown before i had the break through.
    i daily consider suicide but hold back because of my wife and kids, but some days are really hard.
    please pm me at any time and i can see how to help.
    i tried accupuncture too, its very relaxing and helped with my backache but not mentally, i soon stopped though as i developed diabetes. but try it as anything helps.
     
  15. Dave_N

    Dave_N Banned Member

    I hope that you're not being terrorized by dark spirits Oloriel. I hope the demons will leave you alone. Maybe saying a prayer to God might help? :hug:
     
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