Sorry if I should prolly not be posting this here, but even in my safe haven of SF I don't know where to turn. I just feel like I am trapped inside myself, shackled by my meds for one thing - they make me hallucinate and it's hard to maintain control of my body and balance. If I ever got drunk, this might be what it's like. I just feel alone, and I feel like an outsider in any thread I consider posting in and in the end I decide not to post. I try not to PM anyone thinking they'd rather not hear from me, I'd just be a slight, momentary annoyance that they'll brush off and forget right away. And in the chatroom, I feel uncomfortable entering in the middle of other conversations. Surely their discussions are more important than my insecurity. So I lurk. And if I get my chance to talk, I end up downplaying my fears, when really I am absolutely terrified tonight - of myself, of going to bed, the darkness, the cold, the nightmares and terror sweats that are sure to come - god, the nightmares. They're getting worse, and inescapable. Some nights I feel free, some nights I don't dream at all, and then they're back, scenes and stories of fear and pain that never interconnect, but always strike me critically. Sleep is my only refuge, but now even that's been penetrated, and I avoid it. I'm scared to sleep, scared to be awake, scared to be alone, but too ashamed and nervous to seek out company, even here. So I'll post this - a brief vomit of my fear to no one in particular. No one has to read it if they don't want to, it is just a waste of your time, and I'm sorry for making this post at all. But this bile has to go somewhere - I am choking on it. I want to cry, I want to scream, I want to slash and cut myself and the petty new year's resolution I made to not cut all year seems too rash and optimistic, and I doubt I will last the month fulfilling it. I need to feel the blood, the pain, something that isn't choking fear. If I strangle myself again, then maybe I can cut off the thoughts from tearing at me. I have been thinking of burning as well - not direct flame, but hot frying pans, candle wax, scalding water. Anything to relieve this fear! I don;t know what to do! I just wish I could die. Curl up in bed beside my love, who is far away, sleep beside him, and sleep forever. He's the only happiness I have, and I have to hold on for him - for me too, he says. But all I want is to hold him one last time, and then let go. I wish it were as easy as letting go. I would do it now. There's tears in my teacup. I can't do this anymore. I'm sorry. If you read all this crap, then thank you for listening. Thank you. You mean everything to me, just the thought that you might be out there somewhere. No more. Can't do it anymore. I won't kill myself. I don't know what I'll do tonight, but dammit I will wake up tomorrow god-forsaken morning alive, for him. But I just can't do this anymore, none of it. I don't know how to escape it, and I'm so, so scared. Of everything. Myself. I wish it would all go away. I don't wnat it. I just want to be happy again, that's all. God, I wish I was dead. I wish it felt real when I smile. I wish I could just go to bed and not wake up. I wish I was with him. No more, no more, I can't anymore. I'm sorry. No more of this. I'm so sorry.