My test results came in today. It is NOT good news, just like everything else that happens with me is always bad, and then i get those people telling me that i bring it upon myself, give me a break will they??? yea, um hum, i asked for all this, yea, i asked for all bad things to happen to me all the dang time. Get this, yesterday ( sunday ) i went to church at a church i had not been to in a long time because the minister had came over saturday and invited me back, so i go to visit, and seeing as how it starts an hour earlier and that i love God i could just go there and to my regular church, get a double dose of Gods word, etc.. well when i went to the other church that evening, the minister got mad at me because i had went to the other one, says i needed to pick one and stay there.. i just cant do nothing right. i love God.. i love him a lot and i want more and more of his studies, i like both churches, both have good ministers, both are the same, ( church of christ ) just one starts earlier then the other one, when one gets out i can go to the other one 10 minutes down the road, but NOOOO that is so wrong according to B. so instead of staying at the church i walked out, got in my van and left and went to the other one.. i cant love God that way cause its too much??? gees what in the heck do they want from me??? then today, i get the call no one ever wants to get.. that my Dr. is calling in meds for me that i cant even buy cause i dont have any insurance and wants me to get on chemo/radiation therapy together ASAP , plus go to see him on may 12 and make sure i bring $75 for office visit and no telling what else they charge, plus wanting to give me a berium x-ray to see what else is going on, how much farther it spread, etc. plus all of that and everyone assuming it is a lie, etc i have just had it with everything.. i give up.. i totally give up. i am giving up religion i am giving up this life. I am tired of fighting, tired of trying to prove myself.. its never going to stop, they will always demand more, demand proof, demand this, demand that.. i have a terminal illness, i had a dream i die in a car wreck this weekend on my way to florida and i am glad i am finally leaving this hateful world .. no one ever accepted me, never once.. they rejected me and they rejected christ.. God i hate my life.. i hate it. i hate it. i hate it..