Thank you all

laup

SF Supporter
#1
I do not know where i am going with this i do not write from notes or journals i just sit down and write.This normally happens when i have been wandering around with troublesome thoughts.
I was on the site late last night and watching members have fun in the cafe, i smiled and i got the feeling everyone was having a good time and fun, it was a little community.

I got the sense that even in the early days there was a gang format ( gang can be used as a good word as here ) on this site.
I do not have any problem with that in fact i wholely endorse it. Why would you hang out with people you are not comfy with.
Loads of people and noise enjoying and bouncing off each others personalities
It also gave me a sense of fear, i actually felt i was in the room i suddenly felt vunerable and scared i hit a couple of like buttons and got out.
So i sat in my bedroom put on some meditation music and reflected on where i was and what i was doing.
I had posted with most in the room and had serious and meningful chats as well as larking about.
However i came to the conclusion that all though i would have been made to feel welcome it was not time for me to join that gang...family if you like.

I have taken on lots of little tasks in becoming a member and i have done this to join in and feel part of what is happening. In one period 2nd week i think i asked admin to ban me from posting for a period. Nothing happened...you control your own actions on how you use the site apparantly. At first this daunted me and i felt even more vunerable and alone.
I do not do self pity i sorted that emotion out years ago.
So last night and to some extent this morning i have realised i am still in the very early days of what i am calling my recovery. The meds are going to tke months instead of weeks because of the way i have set the programme up.
My mood swings are too eratic i never sound like the same person, i often see this on the site with other members which is not a problem because i have witnessed the protection of the family which is lovely see.
As far as giving advice or my opinion goes i am backing off on that, becoming part of a gang will take its own course.
Just while i am on this the sleeping disorder keeps me awake for days nights on end and i have seen the differant gangs again not a problem just saying.
I like you all, have a lot of stuff to attend to. So in order not to spoil what i think could become a huge part of my future well being i am putting my running shoes away for a bit and slipping back into my slippers. Maybe get myself a bowl of small red cherries and relax a bit.
Any thoughts of death well that will happen one day anyway.
Anything i have promised or bookmarked i am leaving behind sadly, i just need a clean break and work on a real time action plan.
I guess i am just outloud thought sharing with you all.
To finish on a lighter note i have a patio to front and a garden to the rear of my property, i decided to put false grass on the front with pot plants. I later was hoovering and the grass ended up being laid on the bedroom floor. The artists amongst you inspired me to paint all four walls in themes so i am starting on a jungle wall.
Bare foot the grass is lovely to walk in.
Stay safe...
 

Please Donate to Help Keep SF Running

Total amount
$70.00
Goal
$255.00
Top