thank you for everything

Discussion in 'Suicidal Thoughts and Feelings' started by UsedToBe, Jun 22, 2011.

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  1. UsedToBe

    UsedToBe Well-Known Member

    I planned it for Friday night/Saturday morning. I have prepared the means, they are already in my bag. I'm going out and planning never to come back. I will order self help books for my family tomorrow. Already found some good ones. Have already prepared a list of weekly errands for my husband. Will leave a link to this forum too. It might be good if my mother in law could come and stay with them for a while so I'm going to book her a plan ticket too. I'm also going to tell my colleague how I feel, or maybe not... he would reject me anyway, no need for him to feel guilty when I'm gone.
    I just can't face my life anymore. It hurts. Every second of it. I sleep 18 hours a day just to stop the pain. I wish I could sleep forever.
    Thank you all for your support. You helped me go on for a couple of weeks longer, but I can't take it anymore. I can't bear this pain.
    If my husband visits this forum for support, please help him too. Tell him to hold on for our kids. Tell him I wasn't worth his love.
  2. Sadeyes

    Sadeyes Staff Alumni

    Sent you a PM in the hope you will reach out and let us be there for you.. many of us, myself included, have been where you are and fully understand...please let ppl in...big hugs and much caring, J
  3. Hoasis

    Hoasis Well-Known Member

    I sent you a PM too, you sound way too serious...lets hope you can still hang around with us
  4. IV2010

    IV2010 Well-Known Member

    juniper how about concentrating on getting yourself some help instead of making plans for everyone else..

    get yourself to the doctor, the hospital, somewhere where they can try to help YOU feel better..

    If you leave your family your pain will transfer to your husband and kids and I can hear you care about them and don't want them to suffer..

    please get help asap..
    you dont' need to end your life over this

    I know how they'll feel if you son took his life and my life is a living hell
  5. UsedToBe

    UsedToBe Well-Known Member

    I am so sorry for your loss, IV.
    I hope my family will get support they need to go through this. I prepared a doc file for them with some links to helpful websites and phones/addresses of voluntary organisations that will help them. I haven't been around for them a lot recently, just sleeping all day, feeling irritable when awake...
  6. LoveBeing

    LoveBeing Well-Known Member

    Dear juniper,

    Please slow down, take some deep breath…give yourself more time…

    What happened to those possible options: a job in a different place, or moving out with kids, etc…? There is always a way… It takes time to allow changes to happen. Your feelings will change as time goes by - guaranteed!!

    You do care about your kids and your husband. If you cannot be okay with being his wife, you may like to stay as a friend with him? Maybe you can talk to him as a friend now. Maybe you can make through this together…

    Please do not let the confused thoughts and mixed feelings control you. Please let your heart lead you…you do care…love…the people in your life…and yourself…You know you are worthy…no matter what!!

    Please hang in there…
  7. pewster

    pewster Member

    I don't know you or your story but I would assume you have a family that loves you from what you are writing so think about it a little more. IF you end up going through with it, make sure your kids don't find you after and know that there is NOTHING "weak" about what you are least not in my eyes.

    This is something I rarely see myself say, but I truly hope you get through this not only for your kids but also for yourself and if you end up going through with it I hope it's quick and painless.
  8. UsedToBe

    UsedToBe Well-Known Member

    Pewster, I have already found a secluded spot. I am going to make a dummy run today to make sure I won't get lost on my way from the pub on Saturday night.
    it feels so good now that I finally know what is going to happen. I had no control over my life, over my emotions, forcing myself to have sex with a man that I don't love and feeling sick after that. Falling in love with another man against my will and common sense. I can finally make my own decisions.
  9. *sparkle*

    *sparkle* Staff Alumni

    i sent you a pm... but hun people are trying to help you here.... if you are posting and discussing it you are obvoiusly reaching out for help.... you have people who need you - your family. their lives would be totally shattered if something happened to you. who knows they could end up on this site for the same reasons you are on it. why not channel your efforts into getting appropriate help rather than desrtucing your life and that of your family? :hug:
  10. Hoasis

    Hoasis Well-Known Member

    Why dont you just leave him and stay alone for a while? Maybe you can get together with the guy you now are in love with? If its the marriage thats breaking you down..please think about divorce before you do anything else
  11. LightInTheDarkestNight

    LightInTheDarkestNight Well-Known Member

    You need to hold on for your kids :hug: they deserve and need to have their mother around.

    Sometimes relationships don't work, you can't blame yourself for not being in love with your husband. He is part of the relationship as well, you can't shoulder all of the blame. I'm sure the situation is part of the problem.

    Although I'm not big on the "mental illness" label. You certainly sound depressed. Depression is something you can get out of, think of all of the things you'll miss doing with your children. They will wonder why was mommy so sad she didn't want to see me grow up. It's not fair to put that burden on them. I apologize if I'm making you feel guilty, but at times like these you need to be selfish and do whatever it takes to make yourself happy. If you can make yourself relatively happy in this world they will reap the benefits of you feeling better.

    I'm guessing your husband is a good provider and a nice guy in many ways, regardless sometimes things just don't work out. You cannot always control our feelings not feeling in love with your husband doesn't make you a bad person in any way shape or form. You have to put yourself as a priority, your kids are depending on you for it.

    Best wishes
  12. pewster

    pewster Member

    Sent you a PM, I hope you read it in time.
  13. Hoasis

    Hoasis Well-Known Member

    This post worried me a lot, since I realised a lot of us are really close actually ending how is it going juniper? I hope you are still with us..thinking about you
  14. Hoasis

    Hoasis Well-Known Member

    Hey juniper, I have a feeling my PM system is not working, did you get my reply? I dont seem to be able to send messages
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