Thank you for giving me 18 days

Discussion in 'Suicidal Thoughts and Feelings' started by Menchi, Aug 24, 2009.

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  1. Menchi

    Menchi Well-Known Member

    Seems like long enough yeah... means i'll have lived 8500 of them, and thats a nice enough round number.

    Maybe it'll be easier knowing that it will be all over then, rather than worrying each day will be my last. I'm sure i can manage 18 days, knowing that its the last. I'll get enough time to have a bit of fun, put my life in order, spend the last bit of time with people i care about, and be able to make the most of it because i know that it will be the last.

    I don't think it will be easy, things have been getting harder and harder, but i think literally giving myself a deadline might make me manage it. I'm not going to tell anyone here, but i'm going to make sure i write a long letter, explaining what i have done and why. Not much comfort maybe, but i'm sure everyone will see its all the best.

    Means 12th of September will be the end of it :) ... kinda seem glad to be honest with you, i can look at that date, and go yes, thats it. gonna spend a good day out then with the gf, then say goodnight to her in the evening, lock myself alone in the bedroom, and then end it.

    Thanks to everyone who has tried to help me, and... well given me this last bit of life to go out and make things right. i hope you can all look at this in a good way, its life, not death i'm choosing for this one last time, and support this choice. i would have died tonight if i didn't know that there were people here who understood this, and that could see what i am doing is for the best now.

    So thank you everyone, i'll leave this post as a log of everything i do to get ready for this, make sure i'm not wasting that time you know.
     
  2. Menchi

    Menchi Well-Known Member

    Decent day today i guess, went out with the gf, got some stuff sorted out... woke up in a terrible state this morning, but remembered this, so managed not to do anything bad, and we ended up having a fight, but we sorted it so everything is fine now. Starting to sort out my possessions now, so i can sell as much as i can of them. Just told them i need a clearout.

    So yeah, basically this is all progressing well.
     
  3. WildCherry

    WildCherry Staff Member ADMIN

    Wow. I really hope that, in the next eighteen days, you find something to live for, a reason to change your mind.

    I've lost people close to me because of suicide. I can assure you that the people you leave behind aren't going to see this as a good thing or something positive. It's going to hurt them, and that pain doesn't exactly heal with time.

    I know you're hurting, and I'm not trying to make you feel guilty. I'm just being honest. There are people here who have been affected by suicide, and I think they could better explain the pain, anguish, and unanswered questions to you.

    Please, use these eighteen days to try and help yourself or better your life. Try to get some help; talk to the people you care about and tell them how you feel, instead of leaving them with a hurt and emptiness that will never go away.
     
  4. Menchi

    Menchi Well-Known Member

    Well every time i look for life, i end up with feeling suicidal... So maybe if i look for death, i'll manage to take that last little bit that i can from life.
    Aren't a few days of happiness worth more than a lifetime of sadness?

    And thats what i want to give them too, the best of the life that i have left in me. Then they will know that that happiness was from this, from being able to know i am finally free, rather than upsetting them, making them worry, and ending things at a low instead of a high.
     
  5. Bambi

    Bambi Well-Known Member

    I agree with WildCherry please use the time to fight. I had no idea that you were feeling so bad hun as last time we talked you were so helpful to be but I guess I was being selfish and wrapped up in my own world-so very sorry.
    I loved our talk last Sunday and feel like we really connected so hope that maybe you can talk with me again and we can come up with something.
    I like this log as we can reply each time and try to help you see the good in you....you know you helped me on more than 4 occasions without even really trying so think what you can do if you try!! In fact give of yourself as much as you can here....nervous? feel silly? no matter if you are not going to be around right? try it and see how you feel I challenge you.

    Well I will be checking this thread a lot to keep tabs on you and i am always here for you ..you have my number so call anytime..

    Love Bambi
     
  6. Menchi

    Menchi Well-Known Member

    You weren't at all Bambi, i promise you that. My feelings have been more and more up and down recently. I was feeling ok when we talked, i just made the decision yesterday that i had to do this. I don't want to live my life like a victim, fearful, waiting for the time my mind flips so badly that i can't control it. I don't have to do that with this choice, i know when its going to happen, so in the mean time, i can take what i can out of life.

    But you're right too, i'm prepared to give everything i can of myself now. I'm not going to hold back on here any more, and you know how stubborn i am once i set my mind to something ;)

    When i first wrote this thread yesterday... the first thing i wrote was basically a suicide note. I was going to go then and there, but to be honest, i think this is much better, being able to make a truce with myself, and get the best of both, able to take that last bit of life, but also able to have that relief that i know the struggle will be gone soon. Thats why i started this thread. I am going to take this final chance, and i know if i post it up here, instead of keep it to myself... well that everyone can see that, and understand that this is the best choice i could make. I'm going to end my life right.
     
  7. ashes_away

    ashes_away Well-Known Member

    this thread looks a bit like a countdown thread which I personally cannot stand when people do this.I realize you are in pain menchi and are reaching out-and that is great-we will be here for you...like you know people will be here..it is a bit unfair to "count down" on this forum putting the onus on us to stop you!
    Please call your doctor..your psychologist or therapist and tell them how you feel.You can not go on like this..its just ridiculous.You want to live..but this date setting business is a way for you to "relax".Its ok to relax and let go of the burden..but you do not need to set dates or scare people on this forum either.Please talk to your doctor immediately.
     
  8. Menchi

    Menchi Well-Known Member

    Thats honestly not the intention of this... The truth is, i'm fine with the decision i have made. I was going to do it right away, but... well i decided to put it off, so i could set everything in order first. I want to make this a happy thing, rather than a sad thing, and i don't want to worry anyone with this unduly. I understand that people may want to stop me, but in the end all i want to do is to make sure i spend this final time well.

    I do understand your feelings though, so i will ask for this thread to be closed. It wasn't my intention to upset or scare people unduly, or make anyone feel like they had to stop me in time.
     
  9. *dilligaf*

    *dilligaf* Staff Alumni

    I'm closing this thread, as requested...
     
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