thank you for having this forum

Discussion in 'Help Me! I Need to Talk to Someone.' started by flowers, Nov 12, 2010.

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  1. flowers

    flowers Senior Member

    the person who is helping me says I have to make friends and go out. The woman who is helping me is awesome. she truely knows what shes talking about. She is a very trusted expert who knows her stuff.

    As a 59 year old recluse who has deep, intense self loathing that is all pervasive, its pretty impossible to do as she prescribed. she said the only other alternative is to continue living in increasing pain and darkness.

    Since then, I have been begging God to take me in my sleep tonight. Non stop beggging for more than an hour. I cleaned up my home as best I could. Which is not that great. But at least I got some things thrown out and in order. I cleared my schedule for tonight, talking with someone in yahoo IM.

    I took 1 1/2 pills. Not nearly enough to do anything except hopefully sleep. I may have to take a benedryl booster just to even be able to sleep. And then if there is any mercy I will be taken in my sleep.

    This is something I want very deeply. Althogh I am frightened of it. I am hoping that if God can take me in my sleep, it will not be frighting. I just pray with all my heart that I can be released tonight from this horrible hell. I deserve mercy. I deserve healing. I deserve to be free. Thank you for giving me a place to be heard. A place to use my voice where someone other than loving spirit can hear me. Thank you for helping me to know I am not completely isolated at this time. Thank you
  2. victor

    victor Account Closed

    why r u in such a pain, dear?
  3. flowers

    flowers Senior Member

    Thank you for asking vitas. It is very deep intense self loathing. Feelings of deep worthlesness and non deserving. Feeling I am worse than other people. And do not deserve to be around them. The agony of being alone. Day after day, week after week, except for once a week when I go to a healing clinic where I try to help. Being away from my home is not easy. And because of my age, 59 it is not that easy to meet people, even if it felt safe enough to do that. I just long for help. Long for relief. Long for hope. And for me this can only be attained on the other side. I long for arms to hold me. Kindness. thank you for asking. I am a rational person. But this disease of self loathing is bigger than I am. Thank you again for asking. I called the pharmacy and was told that if I must, it will be safe to take the mixture I now have taken. I hope and pray that in my sleep God and loving spirit will allow me to leave. Finally I can be free. Finally I can be held and comfoted. Finally tne nightmare will be over. Oddly, I am quite spiritual. Although what I speak of is the opposite of spiritual. I guess I am a very wounded healer. Thank you again. I appreciate your words. I really do. Thank you
  4. victor

    victor Account Closed

    oh, i feel so sorry 4 u:( n thats where im heading to, if i lose my girl. thats what im afraid of. this pain, its too much to take. i also wish God would take me. thats the easy way out:) dont u have family or friends? i dont myself. never had family and lost my friends during my previous relationship. came on this forum today and it helped me a lot. but the pain is stil here
  5. victor

    victor Account Closed

    Where r u from? i live in uk. i can be ur friend if u want
  6. flowers

    flowers Senior Member

    Vitas. I am sorry that you feel this depth of pain also. You said " if i lose my girl. thats what im afraid of. this pain, its too much to take. " I do hope this will never happen. I hope your girl will get well.

    I am so sorry you do not have family or friends to turn to. My family likes for everything to look good. Money, clothing work. the whole thing. I did not meet the criteria. Friends, well as I became more self loathing they wanted to have nothing to do with me. They chose healthy lives. And I respect that completely. They are good people.

    I will be your friend, indeed, Vitas. I come from the Northeastern part of the USA. And you are in the UK !! I am going to try to sleep now. I am sending blessings for you and your daughter. And thank you for these posts from your heart. May you have a good night dear woman.
  7. CatherineC

    CatherineC Staff Alumni

    What has happened in your life to make you loathe yourself to that degree? You sound like a very nice person to me.
    I think you feel overwhelmed by the thought of going out because you're so unused to it. You don't have to do it all at once. Nobody expects you to have a frantic social life within the next fortnight. You can do things slowly, set a pace that you feel comfortable with.
    You go out once a week so aim for something simple like going to a shop for a newspaper the day before. Tell yourself that you have to do that for three weeks. That will be three weeks of going out twice a week which is a 50% improvement.
    Take baby steps and don't be afraid to have a day off from it. It's okay to have bad days, you just need to keep working towards the good days.
    God will take you when he (or she!) is good and ready. There's no need to be praying for it. Pray for strength instead. Pray for healing, pray for comfort, pray for solace.
    Sending hugs xxx
  8. Fitzy

    Fitzy Well-Known Member

    Hey Flowers
    You welcomed me so sweetly to the old dears' forum - thank you for that.
    I have seen some of your posts and you strike me as a compassionate person. Please show yourself the same compassion and pray for help in living not dying. I know you deserve mercy and to feel free from pain but how will you know you have achieved that if you are dead?
    I relate to a lot of things you have said so please keep strong for me.
    Love and hugs xxxxxx
  9. may71

    may71 Well-Known Member

    flowers is wonderful! hooray for flowers!

    :stars: :stars: :stars:

    :hug: :hug: :hug:

    :console: :console:
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