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Thank You *language, possible trigger*

Discussion in 'Rants, Musings and Ideas' started by Sa Palomera, Apr 21, 2007.

  1. Sa Palomera

    Sa Palomera Well-Known Member

    *not pointed at anyone from this site*

    I hate you. I hate you. I hate you. I hate you.
    You're the reason I am like this. You're the reason I act like this. You're the reason I can't be normal. You're the reason I can't be happy.
    You're the reason I am me.

    Your fucking dick should have been chopped off. Along with his and all the others'! You are the ones who turned me into the person I am now. You are the ones who shut me into prison the very momnt you fucking did your thing, not considering how I'd feel about it. You fucking KNEW I didnt want to, all of you. It was fucking OBVIOUS! It was fucking OBVIOUS!

    how the fuck am I supposed to ever be able to do anything like that again? Thank you SO FUCKING MUCH! I hate you! All of you! thanks to you, I'm now only doing anything when I'm off my face on either drugs or booze or both.

    AND YOU mother fucker! You fucking KNOW I've had 'experiences' in the past. you fucking KNOW I was having a hard time when M---- was trying to hit on me. You fucking KNOW I have a hard time with sex. Yet you keep trying. And I keep giving in. You only try when I'm not sober. You only try when you're not sober. and I keep giving in. I keep giving in. It's all voluntarily. Until I regret afterwards.
    You don't even think of safety. all you fucking think of is my body. "oh you make me so horny" FUCK OFF, WILL YOU!

    But you're so fucking nice. You're so nice. You're really a nice guy and if I say stop you'd stop, but I dont say stop and you know that, because you know what I'm like when I'm off my face. but you only try it when you're off your face too. wtf?
    I know the last time as been like over a month ago but still..
    WHat about your fucking girlfriend?

    gah. why now?

    I hate you. and you. and you. and all of you.
  2. crzykidshanana

    crzykidshanana Well-Known Member

    I'm glad you're getting stuff out, love.
  3. RainbowChaser

    RainbowChaser Well-Known Member

  4. Sa Palomera

    Sa Palomera Well-Known Member

    you're a friend. You should behave like one. Even when you're drunk or stoned.

    and as for you, R---, I know I tricked you, and I am really sorry, I know I could've ended in jail if you'd reported me. I am officially a criminal (yes sf there ya go, confession made, I am guilty of a criminal offense in the past). But you didn't report me, no instead you decided to make me 'solve' it like that. Fuck that. I wish you'd reported me. I'd rather be in jail for 5 years or whatever than what you did to me!
    I know I deserved it. I know I did. But ... it hurts. you have no idea how you've damaged me for life. THank you so much dickhead.
    Last edited by a moderator: Apr 21, 2007
  5. Marshmallow

    Marshmallow Staff Alumni

    Hun, whatever u did i'm sure it wasn't that bad and if he did anything to you i swear to god i will kill him :dry:

    love ya x
  6. Spearmint

    Spearmint Well-Known Member

    :hug: ESTTTT.
  7. Sa Palomera

    Sa Palomera Well-Known Member

    dad, I want to call you, scream at you. Scream so many things, throw it all at your head, but I'm even to tired to type whatever I wanna call you.

    I can't do this much longer, dad, you have no idea how draining this is. I know we kinda.. ended.. it. I know for you it's only temporary, but for me it isnt. I dn't want to see you anymore. But it hurts. It hurts. You're my dad. you're supposed to support me. Not whatever it is you're doing now.

    You're a pathetic sad old man, and I hope you'll die alone. You never deserved the loss of your wife and I know you never asked for it and I know you probably had just as hard of a time with making the decision to take her off life support as I have with the fact that you did that. still.

    It's obvious that you never wanted me. When mum died, you saw her in my sister and you started idealizing my sister, just like I did with my mum in my head. You started to see mum in her. You loved mum still, despite the fact that you re-married.
    Meanwhile you saw yourself in me. And you hate yourself for deciding to take her off life support, you hate yourself for it and you blame yourself for her death. And then there's me. A copy of you (unfortunately) and that's why you hate me as much as you hate yourself. You find it already hard enough as it is to live with yourself, you can't use a young version of yourself. So yeah the things that've been going on around me turned out to be convenient for you, you finally had an excuse to tell me to fuck off. To throw me out. To tell me that I'm not welcome anymore. To take that life I had over there away from me. You killed a part of my at the moment you said that I'm not welcome there anymore. do you realize that you have taken my whole family away from me, our dog, my sister, stepmum, aunts, uncles...

    You only hate me because you hate yourself.

    but hey that's only a guess. But I'm guessing that for once I'm not the dumb person you tell me I am, no for once I am intelligent. But you don't see it now, do you? you won't ever see it again. and then one day, you decide that you do want contact with me again, when my sister moves to Bonaire and you're all alone, then you'll come running back to me, but then you'll find that I'm no longer here. Then you'll find my housemates telling you that I chased my dreams and moved far away. Then you'll regret everything you said to me. Then you'll regret everything you did to me. I'll never forget your hands. I'll never forget your words. I'll never forget the nightmares. I'll never forget the anger in your eyes. I'll never forget how scared I used to be for you.
  8. Sa Palomera

    Sa Palomera Well-Known Member

    daddy, thank you, otherfucking asshole. you're a fucking butthole. I wish you could see me now, like "SEE" me not just look at me, but really see me.

    if you'd see me now you'd turn your head away. You wouldn't notice my arms, you wouldn't notice how much I've lost weight. You wouldn't notice how I have huge rings around my eyes. You wouldn't notice how my face expresses sadness. etc. etc.

  9. Sa Palomera

    Sa Palomera Well-Known Member

    mum, I miss you so much. :cry: :cry:

    why? why her? why then? why? Someone please... I can't cope anymore. it hurts too much :cry:
  10. *dilligaf*

    *dilligaf* Staff Alumni

    hugs hunni
    i wish i had the answers for you hun. im so sorry. im here for you anytime sweetie :hug: :hug: :hug:
  11. Marshmallow

    Marshmallow Staff Alumni

    darling :sad:

    Like Sam said i wish i could answer that, you've asked me those questions so many times and i really wish i could answer them. If u wanna talk you know where i am. And remember you can't hide it from me. I know when your down. I could tell by your voice. You know where i am.

    Viks <3
  12. LoD

    LoD Well-Known Member

    :sad: :hug:
  13. Sa Palomera

    Sa Palomera Well-Known Member

    Why does it hurt like that? Why does it hurt like that NOW?
    I'm such a weak pathetic piece of.... scum.
    I'm nothing. I'm a cockroach. I should be stepped on, crushed.

    Mum, I miss you so much. I should have been taken, not you
  14. Sa Palomera

    Sa Palomera Well-Known Member

    Est, for fuck sake, stop taking up on people's space.
    Just sit there and watch the screen. Don't say anything anymore.
    People have enough pain as it is. People have enough to do. They don't need you or your stories (whether they be sad or happy).

    Just fuck off from everybody's life already. Just disappear. Worthless piece of shit.
    Tis ok. She says so. SHe came to me tonight.
    She was here. She wants to see me.
    He wants me dead. I'm sure he does.
    I KNOW he does.

    I wanna cry. SO badly. :cry:

    I feel lonely
  15. Marshmallow

    Marshmallow Staff Alumni

    hun, im not letting u go anywhere. Me loves ya too much to let u go anywhere.

    If your feeling lonely or anything, get me on skype or google. Am here for ya always :hug:
  16. Esmeralda

    Esmeralda Well-Known Member

    I'm so sorry for your pain, Ishy. It hurts so much to lose a parent, and then to be essentially betrayed by the other. It has happened to me, but thankfully, my relationship with my mother healed over time and distance. Your pain is so palpable and it's hard to see you like this, but hang on, and well-done you for getting it out like that! PM me if you ever need an ear or a chat :hug:
  17. Sa Palomera

    Sa Palomera Well-Known Member

    You know what hurts so much?!

    Seeing how people hate me being in pain, and how they want to help. but they can't.


    and that hurts. there's NOTHING that can be fucking done.

    If I would be in a fight with her or whatever, I could make it up to her. If I had a broken bone, I could let it heal or go to a doctor.
    but no. she's dead. D-E-A-D! and no matter WHAT I do, she'll always be dead, won't come back.
    and it hurts so fucking much. I cant even describe it. and everybody is so nice to me, and that hurts me even mroe cos I'm taking up time. People should spend their time on people who can be healed, people who have a chance at having things improved.
    not on worthless scumbags like me.

    it's all useless and that hurts. it hurts that I'm taking up on all of your times. tis a waste. I'll shut up.
  18. Esmeralda

    Esmeralda Well-Known Member

    You are not a waste. I once felt the way you do. I drove everyone away (save 2 people, who are the truest and best friends I've ever had). One day you will wake and things will be more clear, more sane, more peaceful, and then you will know you are healing. It's hard, but time and reflection really will help you to heal. No, your Mother is never coming back, but when I start feeling this way about my Dad, I think of a quote from the movie Arthur. When his butler (who was basically his dad) died and someone said how sorry they were for him, he simply said "I was lucky to know him as long as I did". That is how I feel about my Dad, and I hope you can hang on until you get to that point with your Mum. So sorry... :(
  19. Sa Palomera

    Sa Palomera Well-Known Member

    yeh I should be lucky I knew her as long as I did. 10 fucking months. yay.
    sorry. :cry:

    just ignore this thread please, sorry for being a waste of time. I'm so sorry for being a waste of time. Stop replying please. I need t stop posting. I need to shut up.
  20. Esmeralda

    Esmeralda Well-Known Member

    10 months? You poor thing :cry: You were deprived of a mother's love so very young. My brother is in a similar position. When my Dad died he was only 4, so he mourns a man he barely knew, and in a way, I believe that is harder than what I have been through. I grieve for him :(