Thank you will never be good enough

Discussion in 'Rants, Musings and Ideas' started by black orchid, Jan 27, 2011.

  1. black orchid

    black orchid Well-Known Member

    Not really a rant, or news, or an announcement, just writing lol soooo i'll leave it here :)

    What are you supposed to say when thank you just isn’t good enough? How do you repay someone for quite literally saving your life and allowing you to see beyond today?

    I am in no way ‘cured’ and still have a hell of a long way to go before I can honestly say I have dealt with everything in my past but now I actually ‘want’ to get better, I ‘want’ to sort myself out whereas before I could see no point. The only thing I ‘wanted’ was for everything to be over, to not have to deal with anything, to not have to remember. Now I want a life, I want a future.

    After seeing some of the stuff I have said to them over the last 18 months I am surprised they are even talking to me anymore. I have been a complete bitch and fucked with their head on more than one occasion, hell I don’t even remember half of the things I said. Now all I want is to make them happy, I really would do anything for them, but they know that.

    Everything that fucks my head up daily they have seen and experienced ten times worse yet still they are fighting and are there for everyone else. They are the only reason I want to fight anymore. I trust no one, they have known that from day 1 but they chose to stick around and now they are the only person I do trust.

    So basically I am a lot happier than I was, and it is all down to this one person. I still get fed up, I am still depressed, I still cannot stop thinking sometimes, I still relive all the shit from the past on a regular basis but I can plan for the future, I no longer want to die. I finally can see that I am not as worthless as I have been led to believe and that the actions of my ‘family’ have been extremely wrong on many occasions.

    Being loved doesn’t solve everything but it certainly makes things easier!
     
  2. ZombiePringle

    ZombiePringle Forum Buddy and Antiquities Friend

    If you can figure out a way to say thank you let me know... I feel the exact same about Emily.
     
  3. black orchid

    black orchid Well-Known Member

    I hope i eventually find a way but right now it seems impossible. How do you repay someone for giving you a reason to live????
     
  4. ZombiePringle

    ZombiePringle Forum Buddy and Antiquities Friend

    Just be there for them when they need it.. really thats all I can think of. Be everything you can for them... Thats all. You and Wayne deserve the best.
     
  5. black orchid

    black orchid Well-Known Member

    Thanks, so do you and Emily. Hope you guys get to see more of each other soon :)
     
  6. ZombiePringle

    ZombiePringle Forum Buddy and Antiquities Friend

    Yeah me too... I haven't seen her in about 2 months.....
     
  7. Kaos General

    Kaos General Well-Known Member

    Simple, continue to live for yourself, thats the only repayment thats ever needed
     
  8. black orchid

    black orchid Well-Known Member

    I can't live for me, its not a good enough reason, but ok
     
  9. Kaos General

    Kaos General Well-Known Member

    You think your living for me but your wrong. Sure you love me and thats really important but your living for yourself. If you was living for me you would have quit your job, moved into mine etc. but as you well know ive resisted that because i dont want you totally dependent on me, thats no way to live your life. Look at how your mum lives to see the result of how that ends up. I dont want to see you end up like that, i love you too much for that to happen. I want you to rely on yourself and love me, thats all, i know you love me but now lets work on trying to actually love yourself which is a even harder challenge. before you say its impossible, go look through this post and look at where you was 18 months ago and what you thought was impossible back then
     
  10. black orchid

    black orchid Well-Known Member

    :hug: ok xx
     
  11. Kaos General

    Kaos General Well-Known Member

    Not really sure if im making sense at the moment, tell me if im repeating myself
     
  12. black orchid

    black orchid Well-Known Member

    No it makes perfect sense, i just hadn't thought of it like that. Last thing i want is to become my mum...
     
  13. Kaos General

    Kaos General Well-Known Member

    Yeah now you know why you occassionly think im being distant, theres a reason
     
  14. black orchid

    black orchid Well-Known Member

  15. Kaos General

    Kaos General Well-Known Member

    And with that im gonna pass out
     
  16. black orchid

    black orchid Well-Known Member

    Ok i'll talk to you later when you wake up.

    xx