Thank you

Discussion in 'Welcome' started by progrocker, May 25, 2008.

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  1. progrocker

    progrocker Member

    First of all, I would like to thank you all for reading this. It is a rare occassion that people actually give a fuck about me or what I have to say. I seem to only be taken seriously on internet forums. It's going to be long so bare with me.

    My Hopes and dreams are still here and that is why I am still here, but for how long I can hold out even I don't know. Not but a half hour ago, I was searching for a way to obtain dynamite. A high powered explosion seems the most extravagent, painless, metaphoric, and just plain epic way out of this pitiful thing we call society, existence, reality, you name it. It's not that I want to die, It's just that I want to not be ... alive anymore.

    Unlike most people who have suicide on their minds when they are not preoccupied or high, I get along very well in most aspects of life. I am 19 (in five days lol), with a college gpa of about 3.5. I am a hard worker, I picked up the bass last october and have been playing countless hours since. I have an extremely good ability to pick something, devote my entire life to it, and succeed.

    So why then do I want to end my life, you may ask. Simply put, I suffer from extreme emotional, psychological, and interpersonal defects. I have extreme mood swings from day to day. For 5 hours I'll be depressed, then I will be extremely hopeful, happy and in a general comedic mood. No matter what mood I'm in, however, I will be anxious. Anxious for the next part in my life. Always anticipating, and only able to enjoy experiences where that anxiety is subsided. The next high from weed, the peak of a progressive song, sleep etc. However, I now seek the ultimate relief from this horrible horrible anxiety. Death.

    I try as hard as I can to be empathetic with everyone, not step on anyones toes, and be nice to everyone I meet. Imagine my suprise when I am met with general disinterest, disregard, and disrespect from those very people. My kindness, hope, and positivity are often cut down by those (usually "friends") who are seemingly unable accept that someone can feel these emotions, and down I go, into the depths of lonliness, despair, and general astonishment at what happens to me from day to day, until I am no longer able to revive the intense positive emotions. It turns me so cold, I do the same thing that was done to me, by attempting to drag others out of their positivity and down in this hole I am in.

    Ocassionally, if I have the fortitude to stop looking at myself as the problem and start looking at the people around me, I will be walking on the edge, and lash out at some trivial thing someone does to me. I experience an extreme emotional breakdown after I lash out at someone, because I can't deal with the idea of someone being mad at, or disliking me. It is not necessarily the trivial thing that mattered, but an accumulation of trivial matters, like no one ever answering my calls, or calling me back, or even having the common decency to listen to one or two things I have to say. I feel like when I am in a conversation with MOST people, they could give a fuck about anything but their own ego. When I speak they are simply waiting for their turn to talk. I cannot claim immunity from this syndrome because I suffer from extreme anxiety and can often get caught up in my own feelings and affairs as well.

    THIS IF FUCKED UP, but it is day to day life where I am from. People wait for you to stop making noises out of your mouth so they can make noises out of theirs. Not to mention the shit talk that occurs the minute someone walks away. Again, I cannot claim innocence.

    I feel extremely aleinated from my own generation and society in general. I feel like I belong in the 60's-70's, not a society where cell phones, commercialism, shitty music, and apathy are the primary focus of day to day life. Where the fuck is the bonding, the love, compassion, and understanding? All I have is the cold print you and I will type to eachother in an attempt to support eachother in this fucking ocean of backwards beliefs, maladaptive behavior, and egocentrism.

    I have not had a perfect life. An alcoholic father, and a plethora of other things that I don't much care to talk about, but I cannot claim to have had the worst life either.

    I am very shy around new people, and have trouble making new friends. This is the reason I have not abandoned my current "friends."

    Typing this out, and talking about it really helps me. Even now, after nearly breaking down in to tears while typing, I feel a sense of temporary relief. I cannot predict my own emotions, so I don't know if this will last, but I can tell you that I have been having suicidal thoughts for 6 months now. These thoughts are not always active, but always looming over me like a shadow, waiting for the next bit of emotional pain I experience to strike again. I don't know how much longer I can take existing in my current enviroment situation.


    (also, I have really low self esteem, and your name is? lulz)
    Last edited by a moderator: May 25, 2008
  2. gentlelady

    gentlelady Staff Alumni

    :welcome: to the forum. Not everyone with depression and suicidal thoughts have terrible lives or backgrounds. I am glad you are successful in your academics and music can be a great stress reliever. Are you currently seeking medical attention for you issues? For some it makes all the difference. I am glad you joined us and chose to post. i hope you asre able to find comfort here. :hug:
  3. Gunner12

    Gunner12 Well-Known Member

    Sounds similar to me.

    What I've learned to do/try to do is to block out the negative feelings. If one group of friends seem to not care for that day, I find another one to hand out with.

    Everyonce in a while, I'll get hit by another short peroid of depression or anger (a few days to a week usually). I usually either just shut up and see if people notice or care, or I just avoide everyone. Then I think about it and decide not to do it and try to get better again.

    Sometimes change is good.

    I hope you can find what you need here.

  4. Lead Savior

    Lead Savior Well-Known Member

    Sounds very much like myself.

    Welcome to the forum sir
  5. progrocker

    progrocker Member

    thanks for the welcome.

    Support, compassion, and love are the only little lights in these dark day's on earth.

    We are all one mind. Even though I don't know any of you, I honestly love you and hope the remainder of your day's are filled with kindness and happiness. One peaceful (possibly medicated) moment at a time.
  6. Petal

    Petal SF dreamer Staff Member Safety & Support SF Supporter

    welcome to the forum :hug:
  7. *dilligaf*

    *dilligaf* Staff Alumni

    welcome :smile:
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