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Thanks, Apologies & Self Frustration

Discussion in 'Rants, Musings and Ideas' started by MoAnamCara, Mar 23, 2012.

  1. MoAnamCara

    MoAnamCara SF Artist

    To those who have helped me through this last while, my heartfelt thanks go to each of you. I hope you know who you are and accept my thanks. You have helped me more than you will ever know.

    I feel I also need to apologize for being completely selfish. At this time I feel unable to be of assistance to anyone really. I don't know whether to stay, to leave or what. This is not how the world works, I should give as well as receive. Hence, I feel it inappropriate to keep accepting and accepting and accepting.

    Today I felt detached from reality somewhat. I just didn't want to deal so I blocked most things out of my mind. Because I didn't want to deal I left T less than halfway through. After all the craziness of the last few days, today no one called. I would imagine this is and will be my life. I will not put myself out there for fear of too many things to mention here.

    There is much for me to do and that is okay, it'll keep me busy the next week or two. That's a good thing. Its the night time that I have always found most difficult. It is quiet, dark and goes on just too long. I need to get myself on a schedule. I need to think about my future, work etc. At this moment I cannot think. I just want to be, to decompress, to try and let things sink in.

    I'm honestly not sure if I can do this, get through this, move on and live my life. If I could continue to block feelings then that would help. I am sure at some point all will come crashing down because I am not dealing and working through thoughts, feelings and emotions. However, I think that is a risk I am willing to take - as foolish as it may be.

    I don't want to deal with work, with people, with petty complaints and ignoramuses. I have little energy or patience for insignificant woes.

    I want to be able to hibernate and let this all be a nightmare in many ways. I am scared. Of being alone, of the likelihood of more wrong choices being made.

    I am scared of me at times, at this impulsive, irresponsible self. This selfish, non caring self. This timid and quiet self.

    I am also very tired and very frustrated with myself.

    I want to hide and perhaps that is what I'll do. So many here that I have met have been wonderful, and I miss those who have not been around or choose not to communicate with me any longer. This all feeds into my fabulous insecurities.

    But these are my issues that I need to work on, perhaps.

    Perhaps I'll just give up. The world seems quite daunting right now.

    Thank you again, my friends. Please know how your words have comforted me and assisted me. :grouphug:

    Please take care of yourselves, you are each so worth it. And one favor I request from anyone reading this drivel - smile at a stranger today and say hi. You could make that person's day/week/month/year.
  2. windlepoons

    windlepoons Well-Known Member

    Busy is good, and also be nicer to yourself Mo, you always expect yourself to be perfect. 'Selfish, non caring self' seriously where on earth does that come from?

    No apologies required, you never realise how much you give.
    OK my friend, I will smile at a stranger.
  3. Sadeyes

    Sadeyes Staff Alumni

    You are such a very wonderful person; someone who deserves the support and caring that is there for you...please remember that...no one is doing you 'a favor'...they are there because of who you are...and yes, a random act of kindness is always called for
  4. IV2010

    IV2010 Well-Known Member

    I have never found you selfish Mo but now is the time to be a little bit that way so you can care for yourself..
    this is an arduous journey you're on and we want to help ...
    I wish you feel as we do..that you are worth it..
    i am sending you a smile even though you aren't a stranger :) :hug: