Although I don't know if I ever feel better when I leave here- or when I'm writing something... I think it helps a tiny bit to at least know in the back of my mind that SF is here. It's open 24/7 and it never closes. People might not be online all the time- but *this place* is here at least. Thanks, SF. I still have no idea what I'm doing. I don't have any money for rent, so I'll be kicked out on the first of april-- 2 days before my birthday. I don't know where I'll go or what I'm going to do... but there's nothing new about that. The government doesn't seem to understand or want to help me out at all. I understand...you rarely help people who've been living on the streets for MONTHS- so why would you help this unstable person if she still has a roof to live under, right? -___- I guess I'll just have to wait 10 years until I'm living in a condemned house; hiding away from everyone else- before I'll be helped. That was when it finally happened for my dad. After 10 years of being a hermit and too afraid to leave his shack- a social worker finally helped him. He's living in a house now... a REAL house! He's still hurting though... there's nothing that can be done about that I guess. I feel guilty for not being able to help him all of that time. I was stupid to think that everything was okay- and I understand how he felt now. It's just a helpless feeling-- as though I'm being strangled gently all the time... someone's hands are around my throat and they will never let go. NEVER. I'll have to live with them there for the rest of my life. There are hands squeezing my heart, too. Giving me heart palpitations and making my heart pound and ache in my chest... reminding me of how very little I trust anyone; especially myself. I don't remember how it felt to be happy. I don't remember this pain in my chest even being a good thing-- this stupid thing called love that's rotting inside of me... Although I remember his face clearly- that's the only thing I remember now. I know he used to be kind and he'd smile at me and now he avoids me. It's retarded to feel this way over one person. I promise I will never be this way again. I'm not going to expect anything from anyone- and I'll never be hurt like this again. I'll never expect anyone to love me- and I'll just love everyone equally. No one person above another- every person is just a person- no one is special. I keep telling myself that over and over again, every day. The pain won't go away though. It'll be with me for the rest of my life-- however long that will be.