Thanks for reading

Discussion in 'Suicidal Thoughts and Feelings' started by 123456789, Nov 14, 2009.

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  1. 123456789

    123456789 New Member

    Thanks for taking the time to read this:

    I feel like my life is worthless, I’m told by people near to me that it is worth living, but I cannot help seeing how futile my existence is. I feel like I love my wife, my sons and my family, but at times, I strongly wish I had never met any of them. I wish I could go off into the mountains somewhere and be alone for the rest of my life without feeling guilty for leaving my family behind. As it is, I feel like nothing more then a parasite, jobless, contributing only to the unhappiness of my wife through my actions (or lack thereof) and words. I feel worse than a homeless man, I am living in a home paid for by my wife who works and takes care of my kids (and myself). I’m a piece of shit and I wish I had the balls to end it.

    I look back at when I think I was happy and I wonder if it was just an illusion. How can anyone be happy? What’s the goal of life? To squeak by an existence, reliant on money to buy us what we percieve to be happiness, only to die someday and cease existing? Where is the worth in living? The only thing that seems to be keeping me from killing myself is the sadness it would cause my sons and wife. Even then, they will eventually forget and why should I care anyway? I feel like I’ve been suffocated by sadness and I am in turn suffocating those around me. I feel like I’m subconsciously pushing people I have loved away from me.

    I’ve recently tried to cover up these feelings by going back to school (if it weren’t for my wife’s help I never would have) in hopes that I can distract myself from my feelings by working towards a goal. Many mornings I cannot seem to get myself out of bed or study like I should. I have also been looking for a job, as my wife’s income is not enough to pay for our monthly debts. This contributes to my feeling of worthlessness, as interviews are very few and far between and I have yet to find employment.

    I don’t even know what the purpose of me writing this serves. Sometimes I wonder if I will ever feel the way I did when I was young. There was a time when I felt my future was ahead of me, and it was mine to make. Well, I did make it and I find myself hating it.

  2. WildCherry

    WildCherry Staff Member ADMIN

    I know how much job hunting sucks. I've been going through that for a while too, and it's frustrating.

    I think it's a good thing you wrote it all down. You shouldn't have to keep everything to yourself. Here if you feel like talking.
  3. itmahanh

    itmahanh Senior Member & Antiquities Friend

    Welcome to SF. The purpose of writing that all down was to get one load off your shoulders. You are carrying around a lot. Trying to deal with it alone. Hiding it from those you love. And feeling yourself being dragged down by the sheer weight everyday. You have a wife and sons. Maybe your self worth isnt so much in how much you value yourself but in how much those people value you. And losing you would turn their lives upside down. There is a part of you that sees that and keeps trying to hold on for them. But you cant keep trying to hold it all together by yourself.

    Have you spoken to any professionals about your thoughts and feelings? If not maybe start by making an apointment with your GP. He/she can show you so many resources for you to try that will help you lighten the load emotionally. There are support groups, counselling and therapists and there are meds as well.

    I'm glad you found this site. It's a place to be able to say all that you've been hiding deeply away. So many others here understand exactly what you are struggling with. There is tons of support, advice and caring. You've taken the first step, you posted and have reached out. Now the next is to use the support and advice you find and put it to good use. Keep posting. Let members know how they can help. Maybe along the way you'll find a little of that self worth you're searching for too.
  4. 1victor

    1victor Well-Known Member

    I am sorry to say it but if you do not do something positive about your life you are going to lose you family.

    Thinking that they do not care about you is very naive. They do care. Even "predators" do care about their families. Make no mistake.

    Leaving them won't help you or them at all. You will be suffering even more and they will be suffering because they could not convince you that you are the most important part of their lives. It's going to be a disaster.

    You want to be a man then do as men do. Having a job is not what you should concentrate on right now. Making piece with yourself would be a better start. Sit your wife down and start talking about how you feel. Tell her that sacrifices she makes and her support is very appreciated. Tell her that you love her and want to help her in her quest to happiness. Ask her what you should do first. If she wants you to get a job then get it. It does not matter how much/little money you get. You will bring something to the table and that will make you feel better. You should realize that this is a process. Even 20 bucks a day will make a difference, maybe not in your budget but in your marriage it will. Trust me on that one.

    I use Carigslist to hunt for a job. I apply for every thing even if I have no clue what the hell they do or want from me. I take anything that they will offer me. It's tough but you'll be in a much more happier place.

    People get married to make each other happy. Any other reason would be a wrong one. So, stop thinking if you deserve her or not. This is not your problem. She made her choice so she thinks that you deserve her. Your task is to make her happy. She supposed to do the same thing to you.
    Always talk to her. Never keep your thoughts bottled. We, men, have tendency to to cross the deepest oceans and climb the highest mountains when in reality complimenting her earrings would be the right thing to do at the moment. It could be that simple.
    Talk to her.

    Good luck, my friend.
    I will be praying for you and your family.

  5. Sadeyes

    Sadeyes Staff Alumni

    Hi Jim and welcome...glad you found us...depression is an incidious monster...we have it and it contaminates our perceptions and we do not know who we are...I have found both treatment and meds to be very are worth living and deserve are going through a rough time...that is not your worth...please take good care of yourself as you are loved by many and need to find a way will be there for you with work and do you find hope? first you have to want it...then you have to do something you can accomplish...clean the car; help with the does breed, slower than depression contaminates, but it will be there if you look for of luck and please continue to post...big hugs, J
  6. 123456789

    123456789 New Member

    Yes, it definitely was and it has helped in some degree.

    I am currently seeing a therapist every other weekend. While I feel better after the visits and while talking with him we discuss things that are bothering me, I'm not sure if it is helping as a whole.

    Very true, and this is the reason I cannot / have not left (either by physically leaving or ending my life). You sound very much like the rest of the people in my life, and while I agree 100% with what you said I can't seem to take the steps to correct the situation or shake this funk that has surrounded me for periods of my recent life.

    After writing my initial post last night I felt some immediate relief but today I had an 'episode' of intense depression and self-hate when I found out more news about our financial situation. I again contemplated leaving or ending it. I even went so far as to empty out a bottle of over the counter sleep aids. While staring down at them on the table I wept uncontrollably, while fighting to keep my wife from hearing. I hate myself so intensely sometimes that I want to punch myself in the face (I have a hard time expressing this).

    While sitting there my thoughts turned to my future. Would I be happier dead? Certainly not, if I did have an afterlife I would have to assume I would be punished for what I've done. Would I be happier if I left? Certainly not, I love my sons and my wife, my family with all my heart. They're all I have.

    Well, what would make me happier? Getting a job to help contribute (even a small amount like you said victor) to our financial situation. I honestly think that would be the biggest help in finding my happiness. I will try to take what you said to heart what you said about happiness, Sadeyes: "it does breed, slower than depression contaminates, but it will be there if you look for it." Thank you.

    As I'm writing this I feel like I can see clearly and I know what steps I need to pursue but I can't help but dread and wonder when my next bout of depression will come. I feel like my life is currently characterized by a general melancholy sprinkled with spots of depression and happiness here and there.

    Again, thanks for reading my ramblings. I am sorry if I come off as a cry-baby (that's another worry of mine) and thanks for your support.
  7. brueyh1976

    brueyh1976 Well-Known Member

    Jim, trust me when I say this, you are not a cry baby and don't ever think that you are. As others have said "it helps to talk" and I agree with that wholeheartedly. Talk away and if I can help, I will.
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