Thanks for the friendly company.

Discussion in 'Suicidal Thoughts and Feelings' started by HelgasAngel, Apr 10, 2013.

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  1. HelgasAngel

    HelgasAngel Well-Known Member

    Just wanted to thank you guys for the friendly welcoming you gave me here. Really appreciated it. I thought long and hard about whether to write a 'thank you' to the people who put a lot of things into perspective for me, (especially the mothers on here)and I thought I should at least thank the people who made my birthday with all of your birthday wishes, an amazing experience. I haven't fully opened up to some of you because I'm not the kind of person to burden anybody else with my problems because you have problems of your own you need to deal with. I'm sure some of you can relate to that.

    Anyway....I dropped out of high school in 2009. I had great grades and everything but ...I was on a downward spiral emotionally and I couldn't take ..any of it. So I didn't do my senior project and on the final day of school I just gave up. My mom was heavily disappointed and so was I, in myself. For years, she'd verbally abuse me and made me feel worthless. I never attempted suicide during that time, just thought about it.

    Eventually, in 2011, I gathered myself and enrolled back in college. I was great and my Mom is her old self again. BUT, feeling as if I needed to do extremely well in order to 'redeem' myself I overwhelmed myself with my expectations. It didn't help that the counselor gave me more courses than I was supposed to take because of my assessment tests scores being considerably high. Eventually, I just dropped out. I got to the point where I was too depressed. My dad and I, our relationship deteriorated to the point of no return. He actually tried calling me tonight to wish me a happy birthday but I didn't pick up the phone.

    So I've always felt guilt about not graduating high school and not finishing college, especially since I was doing very well in both. I see all of my friends who are getting ready to graduate and go off in the world and have great careers, some are already married, and I'm four years behind them. It kills me inside to know I failed myself and most importantly my mother. She worked very hard to give me all that I have and I failed her. Four years of her hard work, gone. She's always said that if she couldn't have kids, she'd adopt. I'm hoping she'll adopt a young boy or girl who will stay in school and who won't disappoint her like I have. So that's it. That's why. A lot of other small factors have influenced my decision but they aren't worth mentioning.


    Oh yeah, if you haven't yet seen the video Where The Hell Is Matt 2012 I posted on "inspirational messages" ...the forum thread, go check it out. I hope you find it inspiring. Maybe it'll give you hope. xoxoxox.
     
    Last edited by a moderator: Apr 10, 2013
  2. flowers

    flowers Senior Member

    It is a flaw of mine that I do not check the well wishing area enough. I did not know it was your birthday. and so I wish you a very happy belated birthday !! Success comes in different ways. For many it is not in school. Having a good caring kind heart is a success. Helping others is a success. There are many ways to be a good and productive person. Not all of them include callege. If you come very close i will whisper something to you. I flunked out of college Happy Birthday. May next year bring you more understanding of your true successes and the gift you are. :hug:
     
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