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Thanks Hoshi

Discussion in 'Help Me! I Need to Talk to Someone.' started by itmahanh, Nov 15, 2007.

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  1. itmahanh

    itmahanh Senior Member & Antiquities Friend

    Now I feel guilty for some of the things I said to you, but I feel like an even bigger failure because I let you upset me. Please forgive my anger. Also please take some time to look into grief support goups. It might help you address some of the issues you have. Being a nurse student, you should be able to find info and locations in your area quite easily. No matter what you said earlier, you are not going to change what I feel I must do. Sorry.
  2. Hoshi

    Hoshi Member

    You could have said this in the main thread. :/
    I do not need grief support. I have taken enough psychology classes to know that I am over it as much as I can be. I also know that, to a certain extent, one can never fully get over the loss of a parent to suicide. It is something that rips your world apart.

    You just need to know what you are doing to your children before you go through with this. What you think you know about what it will do to them is probably incorrect, because if your thinking is anything like mine was when I was suicidal or like my mother's, it is completely irrational. It's not all your fault, though. You said you're bipolar. It's a chemical imbalance that even when treated can still cause depression while on medication.

    Honestly, I think you need to get some help first. Try every option - for yourself and for your kids. See if some other meds would work better, because there are about 13 KNOWN different kinds of receptor sites for serotonin, which is why people often have to try different meds before they find one that works the best.
    Try some in-patient help, even if it is a last-ditch effort. They should be able to help with meds and help you cope. I can promise it is not something you will regret.
  3. itmahanh

    itmahanh Senior Member & Antiquities Friend

    I'm not suggesting that you will ever get over it. But there is a big difference between cold hard text books in a pshyc class and the true understanding that is shared between people in groups. See with all my experiences with the hospitals and the doctors I truly believe that the docs and staff should have to "walk a mile" in their patients shoes before they can truly help them.. Without any personal first hand experience, they are nothing but cold, hard textbooks and frequently forget that people with mental health issues are suffering just as much as a patient with a ruptured appendix or broken limb. But our hurt is much deeper and not as easily fixed with meds.

    I will not waste any more of your time. I have enough meds now to kill a whale thank you! I hope that you can learn to forgive your mom and that you have a healthy life. Take care of yourself.
    Last edited by a moderator: Nov 15, 2007
  4. Hoshi

    Hoshi Member

    I have been in those shoes, though. I have had in-patient therapy. I wanted to die just as you do. I felt that no one loved me and that my life was just not worth living and that I failed at everything. I was a severe cutter, and I learned to hide it well. I've been there.

    Also, it's not just cold, hard textbooks! All my professors have been or are practicing psychologists and psychiatrists...they talk about things they have seen and what it's like with real people. That's why I like it so much.

    Oh, and with the meds - I know that not everything is fixed with meds. But some people don't realize that the hurt they feel is due to chemicals and neurotransmitters in their brains going haywire! It *can* be fixed a lot of the time!
  5. vehas

    vehas New Member


    I read your other thread and now this one, and while you still have the good sense and feelings to reach out for others, isn't that a sign you still have your place on this earth?

    I'd look into that fact with alot of value, you've taken time out to assist and respond and feel remorse for your actions against a stranger.. continue and channel that into caring for your children and YOURSELF!

    You obviously have a good heart and that would be a pure waste if it leaves this plain..

  6. itmahanh

    itmahanh Senior Member & Antiquities Friend

    Okay, thank you Hoshi. But can you please now leave me alone. I realize now that I have remained on this site to get off my chest what I wanted people to hear from me over the years. So I throw my thoughts out and let them fall where they may. This is my last refuge. It is helping me to clear my head a little and maybe help eliminate some of the hurt and hateful feelings I have pent up for so long. It is something I need to do for me. And sweetheart,there hasn't been much of that in my life, me. Yeah I know so selfish the whole suicide thing, but now it is my turn to be selfish. When I go, I want it to be with a clear heart and not one still filled with pain. So I appreciate everything you have said and have really "listened" but it still doesn't change the outcome. I already felt bad enough about what I will be doing to my children, so there is nothing you or anybody else can say that is going to fix it or make it worse. Please allow me this one last kick at the can. I don't want to have to leave SF. This is my fortress. I really need it now.
  7. Hoshi

    Hoshi Member

    Whatever. Parents have a responsibility to take care of their children.

    If that's what you want to do even while knowing what it will do to your children, then that's what you'll do no matter what others say.

    I just don't see the point of going through all this stuff trying to "clear your heart" or whatever...you might be able to make yourself feel a little better, but it won't do a damned thing to help those whom you leave behind.
  8. I am the son of itmahanh. She tried to commit suicide today. Docs don't know if my mom will make it. And your are wrong about me. I love my mom and understand why she did what she did. I want her to live but I won't hate her if she dies. My mom always is straight up with all us kids and we knew how bad her pain was. No I don't want her to die but a part of her was already. Now all I want to do is make the rest of her better. My mom could never do anything that would hurt me enough to ruin my life. she is always so helpful to others and never thinks of herself 1st. Me and my brothers and sister know that we are the world to her. And she never holds any secrets from us. We try to help each other all the time. We love our mom and she loves us.
  9. alwaysincrisis

    alwaysincrisis Well-Known Member

    Thank you for sharing that. and I hope your mother and you all reach a place where you can all be at peace. I have been open and honest to my family also and they know what to expect one day and that it will be a loving release as they cannot stand to see my pain. I have listened to Mental Health Experts and done everything they have reccommended over the years yet my suicidal wishes and desires are as strong as ever, in fact getting stronger with each failed suicide attempt. I have bipolar disorder and this will never go away.
  10. Hoshi

    Hoshi Member

    I honestly doubt that the poster is her son.
    How did he find the forum? I don't know about him, but when my mom tried to kill herself, I was at the hospital day and night. Till she died.
  11. itmahanh

    itmahanh Senior Member & Antiquities Friend

    You know Hoshi, because you are hurting and haven't been able to come to terms with your own loss doesn't give you the right to intrude on mine or my family's. I have about had it with being nice myself. I discharged today and people like you make it so much easier for people like me to do what I think is the right thing to do. My son is a wonderful understanding child that only wants to help me and our family. So like I said before, leave me alone. And I promise I will make it easy for you to do. Wow you have a real affect on people. I just wish for your sake it wasn't so negative. Not the best thing to have when in the nursing field. Give yourself a break and leave me alone. I hate myself enough thank you.
  12. Abacus21

    Abacus21 Staff Alumni

    Let's all calm down..
    Clearly emotions are running high in this thread, so let's all take a step back if we can, take a deep breath, try and see both sides of the coin, and move on and support each other :)

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