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thanks to everyone who posted a response to my thread. i tried to post it in my thread, but for some reason it would say i wasn't logged in when i did...so i'm sorry if i'm posting a new thread when i shouldn't.

tonight my partner and i went out, and surprise, surprise, he was the one who got depressed this time. r--usually so jolly--now says that he's about to give up on life, and that I AM RIGHT--people are cruel. of course, this had to be considered "my fault"...R says that I disturbed R's innocence, and now it's MY FAULT for shedding light on others' cruelty and insensitivity. r drinks way too much (i shouldn't be talking, i admittedly have issues with substances just to take away the pain i feel), but r is always happy except when drinking. r blacks out, then in the morning wonders why i am angry about what i was put through...and says that drinking is necessary because if not, i am brooding and shy and puts r at a "social disadvantage."

if i try to confront r about what happened, i am told that when i get drunk, what i do is so much worse (what i do: get upset, sit in the bathroom, text message r about being unhappy). what r does: embarrass me by yelling at people, falling down and asleep in public, refusing to leave even after being kicked out, blaming me for everything. i know there are two sides to every story, i know i am no picnic when i'm depressed and feel slighted. but i try as hard as i can to not inflict what i'm doing upon "friendgers" (ie friends that are really strangers) or acquaintances. then we go home where r falls asleep and i stay up all night crying and miserable. i try to take tranqs and sleeping pills and drink to calm down, but usually the alcohol is gone and i am too worried about everything to sleep. the next day when r apologizes in some guise, i am so exhausted and miserable i sleep all day. it's a vicious cycle.

i know a lot of people are depressed because they are alone. i don't blame them at all, i would be too. the issue is, r and i have so much in common, and when we don't go out at night we get along...but we are bored. it's either get along but be bored, or go out and have one of us become miserable. and then it feels more and more like the only reason we are together is because we have no other options. we are both considered quite attractive yet very "f**ked up". we have the same eclectic taste in art, music, gender issues, film, countercultural lifestyles, etc etc. we don't meet many people like each other. i wonder if we're just stuck with each other because no one else can relate and that is r's reason for suddenly acting out...or maybe my sadness is getting too infuriating or something. i just have always expected too much out of life, and feel hurt at the slightest little thing...

one of my best friends killed himself a few months ago, my grandma died a few months ago too from a horrid long illness and i wasn't allowed to go to the funeral because of my countercultural appearance/lifestyle. i don't want to blame my sadness on this. i have always seen the darkness, i have always seen the strong stomping on the weak (and have occasionally been the weak that was stomped on) and am so weary of the way of the world. my partner agrees, but this all seems to go out the window when r starts drinking excessively. i'm sorry to babble but r is now happily sleeping while i am awake and unhappy no matter how many sleeping pills and tranquilizers i've taken. i feel like i'm so high strung and terrified that none of them help anymore. and now no psychiatrists will prescribe me anything that has worked in the past.

anyone out there with a partner who is also depressed, but tries not to admit it (or blames you for it)? what do you do? and tomorrow, r will say that none of it was meant, and that i was overexaggerating the whole thing (which isn't true at all).

i'm sorry to babble again. i just don't know where to go with all this. i am terrified of death or else i would surely shuffle off this mortal coil and get out of this ridiculous game. i had a friend who was involuntarily committed because she said she wanted to kill herself. She ended up, of course, worse afterwards than before. My grandma was depressed (before her death) and ended up being forced into taking Haldol for her panic and sadness (instead of something more logical like Xanax or an SSRI). She clasped my hand in a moment of lucidity and told me she'd sooner strangle herself with a pillow than let them give her this awful drug again. Of course, my parents said "she's so mellow on that drug", when really, my grandma told me she felt like she was jumping out of her skin but had no way to communicate how she felt. Lovely--this is what psychiatrists are giving for anxiety these days just because of the "war on drugs". Similarly, R's father was in agony with Stage Four mestastitic liver cancer, which went to his colon, pancreas, stomach, intestines, etc. Up until the last week he was given nothing but PERCOSET despite his agony and pleas for stronger drugs. I do not have faith in the medical system; his own doctor even told him that if he prescribed stronger drugs, he could have his medical license yanked.

Sorry to blab. I just can't sleep and am so sad and don't know what to do anymore. I feel like I have no allys whatsoever. Going out with other people in bands and other artists, I have to act happy or I'm a "downer". If I tell my partner how I feel, I'm told that I'm a downer and besides I"m not the only one with the problem; indeed I probably AM the problem. And I don't trust the medical establishment. I just wish I had some faith in something after this life. But every single organized religion seems to me not only illogical and cruel but also hateful towards me on a personal level. I can't imagine judging someone as doomed because they are GLBT or use drugs while sending murderers and rapists to heaven because they "repent". And, while this must be controversial to some people, I don't see why I should "repent" just because I am being myself--someone who doesn't obey SOCIETAL dictates about what I should look like and act because I happened to be born one gender rather than another. I am kind and treat people gently and unjudgmentally. But that means nothing in the world's religions. I also am a very literal person. It is hard for me to embrace some invisible power..especially when the invisible power's supposed missions to humans was dislike for the kind of person I am.

Sorry to drone on and on. I hope someone can relate to my post...that life seems like pain, only to get more painful as we age (diseases, dementia, lack of respect in this culture, inability to at least revel in artistic pursuits) and death seems at best nothingness, and at worst condemnation in a way even worse than the "weirdos" get treated in a local suburban high school.

I wish my existential angst would dissipate. But unfortunately, my daily angst is at a high point right now too, making me wish for an escape. And I don't feel like there is one. Sorry if this post is too long. It's almost four am here, R is sleeping, and i can't imagine doing that right now. Also, R might leave tomorrow am while i finally fall asleep and disappear without calling me for a few days. R does this very often. of course, this happens quite a bit, and i am always told R just needed some time away. but this won't stop my overactive anxiety thinking that R's dead and it's somehow my fault. and then when R comes back, i'm too relieved to deal with the confrontation. i just can't take any of it anymore.
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