Thanks to my history, nobody believed me

Discussion in 'Rape and Abuse' started by Brianna Alpha Woman, May 12, 2015.

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  1. I can't even count the many times I have been raped in my life because it happened to me so many times. When I was in high school, I had a lot of boyfriends. My relationships usually didn't last long because most of my boyfriends committed crimes that landed them in prison, even in high school. Whenever one boyfriend got arrested, I quickly hooked up with other guys that interested me shortly after because I didn't have the patience to wait for my ex-boyfriends to be released from prison. I had an extremely high sex drive in high school too and somewhat of an addiction to sex because it was rather new to me at the time and I was at the age where my hormones went crazy. Because of this, I had sex usually after the first date. When I was 18, I was allowed to do practically what I wanted, so I spent the weekend at my boyfriend's house. Even though he was around my age, he had his own apartment. My boyfriend had his friends over, drinking, partying, and playing video games and whatnot. I didn't have any problem with that because his friends seemed to be cool with me. My boyfriend and I were kissing and making out through most of the night and the next thing we knew, during the late night, we were in his bedroom having sex. A while during the middle of it, his friends barged in on us.

    I was embarrassed about the whole thing, but I realized that my boyfriend wasn't embarrassed at all. When I told his friends to get out of the room, my boyfriend said, "No, let them stay. It's cool." I told him that I wasn't comfortable with them watching us due to the awkwardness of it. He insisted that his friends were going to do more than just watch. I told him that I wasn't comfortable with them filming us either, but he insisted that they weren't going to film it either. Naturally curious, I asked him, "So what are they going to do?" <Mod edit: graphic details> At this point, I kept telling them, "No, that is not going to happen! I'm here to be with you, not them." I also demanded for my boyfriend to take me home, but he refused to let me leave the apartment, saying that everything would be alright. When I saw his friends taking their clothes off, my first instinct was to get up and run out of his apartment, even if I had to do it butt naked, but he started to pin me to bed by my neck, saying, "Relax, everything would be alright." The next thing I knew, one of his friends <Mod Edit: Graphic details> while another was having forced intercourse with me.

    This was extremely hard and painful intercourse that not only injured my vagina, but also somehow permanently injured my urethra. Each and every one of them did the same thing to me and took turns. The only thing I could do was gag and it was clear that I didn't want it. When it was over, I asked him, "How could you do that to me? You knew damn well that I didn't want to do this!" I was scared. I didn't know anything about his friends. I knew my boyfriend had taken an STD test and was completely clean, but what about his friends? For all I know, one could have had AIDS. They all ejaculated inside me too, so I was scared of getting pregnant by one of them too. He said, "Calm down. We all had a good time! It's nothing to be upset about." I told him that I didn't have a good time at all and that he and his friends raped me. That's when he started to get upset. He said, "Whatever, nobody fucking raped you! You shouldn't even be fucking complaining because you fuck everybody anyway!" My boyfriend got fed up, grabbed me, and said, "You know what, get the fuck outta here and don't even think about coming back!" He then handed me clothes and shoved me out the house before I could even put them on. I had to put my clothes on outdoors. Thankfully, it was late, so nobody was out there watching me. Even though it was late, I managed to take one of the last running buses home.

    After I told my mom about what happened to me, she told me, "You deserved it for being a little slut. There is absolutely nothing that I can help you with." It was devastating. Days after it happened, rumors would spread about how I had sex with my ex-boyfriends and all of his friends and guys were even asking me if I could do the same thing with them. His sisters and female cousins threatened me for accusing him of rape. Even though the rape bothered me, what bothered me the most was the fact that seemingly nobody believed me. Almost everyone believed that I willingly had sex with my boyfriend and all his friends at the same time because I supposedly had a "reputation" for being too easy. What bothered me the most was that my mom did believe me, but didn't care and said I deserved it anyway. I never reported the crime because I feared that since I had warrants for my own arrest for other things I did, the police would lock me up too. Another reason was that I was in a gang and wasn't allowed to tell the police anything or risk being killed. All this would have only made my story even less believable than it already was. Not too long after what happened to me, my ex-boyfriend did the same thing to another girl that lived in his apartment complex, but she reported them and his friends and they went to prison for it. Apparently, I got what was coming to me because of my history.
    Last edited by a moderator: Jan 22, 2016
  2. Petal

    Petal SF dreamer Staff Member Safety & Support SF Supporter

    Hi hun, reading your post has made me feel very sad and angry at the same time. Your own mother should know better than to treat you this way. NONE of what happened was your fault. You clearly said NO multiple times, that is rape and shouldn't happen to anyone :( I cannot imagine what happened and what was going through your mind at the time. I know I would not be as strong as you are here today sharing this story. I hope it helps to get it all out and write it down and know people will read your awful experience. Regarding your ''history'' even if you were ''easy'' that should not come into this at all. People really annoy me sometimes, how can they ignore a gang rape and offer you no help is beyond me. Even if we are not there with you physically we're here for you here.

    Big hugs xxx
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  3. DrownedFishOnFire

    DrownedFishOnFire Seeing is Believing Forum Pro SF Supporter

    Sorry that this happened to you. NO anytime means No. Doesnt matter what history you had. You have that right anytime no matter what walk of life you are on.

    This is just IMO but maybe your mom deep inside was really scared for you but did not know how to cope with it and quickly dismissed it as your fault as she probably dont know how to fix it for you or support you. Some parents are not great and probably will be better parents if they had instruction manual given to them when certain situations happen. Theres tons of other reasons. But if you are willing to give it time and mend things with your mom she can start to slowly accept it did happen and it was not your fault. Society is so quick in blaming the woman hence alot of rapes being unreported. Its very hurtful and betrayal that your mom isnt supportive right now but please find somebody you can talk to. A support group is one of other free resource you can check out in your area. Many cities have free help.

    I know its a given fact that women in gangs have it rough in that department.
  4. Zaheer

    Zaheer Account Closed

    Try to forget and move on ( I know it will be tough) .. make better plans for your future.
  5. RowanBlack

    RowanBlack Member

    Honestly the best thing you could have done and still need to do if it isn't too late is to report them to the police. Get away from that place and try to get on with your life. Don't let them just get away with it though. Don't let them just go to prison for something that was done to someone else. Extend their sentence. Get it on the books.

    I've known a few girls in different situations that have had to move to get on with their life. A reputation isn't something that changes easily. Sometimes its better to know when to move on.
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