That emptiness inside...

Discussion in 'Rants, Musings and Ideas' started by Aphorism, Oct 23, 2012.

  1. Aphorism

    Aphorism Well-Known Member

    I feel suicidal when the anxiety rises high. I start to remember all of my faults, my ugliness, my inferiority. I recall that no one has ever loved me like I have loved them. I recall that I am unorganized and unable to keep a handle on things. I recall that I procrastinate and deprive myself of sleep. I recall that I am unhealthy, and ugly. I've never had a true and lasting relationship, which isn't so bad. But the inexperience bothers me.

    The feeling of unrequited affection bothers me. It festers in me, makes me feel anxious and awful and insecure. That's how I begin to feel at night: insecure. And suddenly, the suicidal thoughts return. Nothing matters, and that usually comforts me, but sometimes it just makes me wish that I could turn off my life. I want it to end, and then I want it to last just to see what happens.

    I'm still a walking contradiction. It feels like nothing has really changed since I was depressed four, five years ago. Is that good or bad? I think I've managed to cope better, but when these moments return to me I feel awful.

    I feel like the worst person in the world, and at the same time, I feel so insignificant that it hurts.
     
  2. MisterBGone

    MisterBGone Well-Known Member

    I have found that my depression (& possibly anxiety) doesn't want me to get better. It likes to stick around, and so telliusage all of these things, regardless of their degree of truth, happens to be how it thrives and survives. For if I get better, then it goes away. I would venture a guess that quite a bit of what your disease is telling you is untrue, or an exaggerated lie, so don't listen to it (too closely). Some of these ideas in the realm of negativity can get to be quite intense, and full of awful feeling, which is why it is best to not spend too much time in said territory. Even if it feels as though we don't have a choice sometimes. As for love: I cannot offer any advice. For I have not the qualified, necessary experience to grasp such concepts, and so, it's like, how would I know!