This is my story, if someone cares enough to read it. Growing up was not a good experience for me. My parents always were disappointed in me and never missed an opportunity to remind me of it. I thought about suicide often then. I was kicked out of the house in high school, and I lived at a safehouse for about a month, with some other troubled youths. I felt guilty staying there, the other kids at the safehouse really had problems, and all I had was just disagreements with my parents. I then moved to covenant house for a few months, before I eventually got a shitty job packing at a warehouse and rented a small room for about 300 a month. Eventually I wasn't able to manage it, and I had to move back in with my parents. They genuinely seemed sorry, but it was still devastating for me doing so. When I moved back after a little over a year, I signed up for college classes, and decided to proceed with my life. At the time, I also started playing online poker, it was something to do and something I had an interest in. I started winning a lot of money, and I didn't finish college. It seemed so surreal, looking back. I turned my initial deposit of $1000 to over $100,000. I would win or lose several thousand a day at the stakes I eventually played. I started buying expensive clothes, alcohol, a lot of weed, I wanted to feel important. I still didn't have the confidence to approach a girl, and I think I tried to convince myself that I'm better off without all the emotions that other people have. I thought I was content. My first time having sex I was 21 years old with a prostitute. I had many more prostitutes after that. I stayed safe though, and I'm still disease-free. I tried to pass the time by playing a lot of video games, I had irregular sleeping patterns, I smoked a lot of weed. Deep down I still felt that hollow empty feeling, that I think I always felt. I had seen a counselor, and it was nice just having someone to talk to, but it made me feel weak. She recommended some anti-depressants, and no way in hell was I going to take those. Eventually the poker boom died down, and I was unable to keep supporting myself and my lifestyle. I do not have a gambling problem, I simply lost interest in poker and some days I had to force myself to play. I spent over 6 months doing nothing except playing video games, and the thoughts of suicide were emerging again. I didn't want to kill myself, because I believe it to be weak. I decided to completely change my life and I signed up for a skydiving school with the intent of becoming a professional skydiver, and to proximity fly. So I went to New Zealand, where I met a lot of interesting people, and I really enjoyed skydiving. It made me feel alive, floating above the clouds. I think I found happiness there, that uplifting feeling. I then went to the USA to build my jump numbers and I am currently working as a professional skydiver with around 1,500 jumps. For almost 2 years I was happy, I think truly happy, with a sense of purpose. I also started to feel lonely, and I wanted a companion, someone I can be happy with together. I signed up for online dating, without much expectations. But by some miracle I found this amazing girl, who gave me a chance. She's beautiful, smart, interesting, everything I had hoped for in a girl. The feelings I felt, it was overwhelming. The euphoria, the feeling like I may be able to have a normal life, with the most perfect girl. Having never had any experience in relationships, I had only known her for a little over a month and I fell in love with her. I think I came on too strong. I did try my best though. Flowers, cards, dinners, everything I could think of. I guess she just got annoyed and disappointed in me, and she dumped me a few days ago. I cried after that, it was the first time I cried in over 12 years. All the shit I been through during that time, I never once cried. But I sobbed like a baby under my blanket that night. It was truly pathetic. The past few days I had to force myself to smile at work, which was pretty difficult. As soon as i got home I'd take some sleeping pills to pass the time. I wish for death. I will not kill myself, I believe suicide is weak. But I do want to die. I am just so extremely tired. I want to rest. It would be so easy for me to do it too, easier than for anybody else...But I will not die here. When I die, I hope it will be jumping off one of the big cliffs in Norway, flying a wingsuit, it will be more appropriate this way. And I will not have to be a burden and paperwork to deal with for anybody. If all things go well I could be there in less than 2 years. I have managed to stay alive for over a decade like this, I know I can do 2 or 3 more years. It's not easy being alone...and I am just so very tired. I wonder what it's like to be loved? It must be a good feeling. It's funny huh, if I was some black kid born in Africa I'd be struggling to stay alive, but here, with clean fresh water to drink anytime I want, medicine readily available to me when I need it, never hungry, or without shelter, and I want nothing more than to die. It does feel good writing this, and if you read it, then thanks.