That feeling again.

Discussion in 'Suicidal Thoughts and Feelings' started by Joseph1011, Jul 27, 2012.

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  1. Joseph1011

    Joseph1011 Member

    This is my story, if someone cares enough to read it.

    Growing up was not a good experience for me. My parents always were disappointed in me and never missed an opportunity to remind me of it. I thought about suicide often then.

    I was kicked out of the house in high school, and I lived at a safehouse for about a month, with some other troubled youths. I felt guilty staying there, the other kids at the safehouse really had problems, and all I had was just disagreements with my parents. I then moved to covenant house for a few months, before I eventually got a shitty job packing at a warehouse and rented a small room for about 300 a month. Eventually I wasn't able to manage it, and I had to move back in with my parents. They genuinely seemed sorry, but it was still devastating for me doing so.

    When I moved back after a little over a year, I signed up for college classes, and decided to proceed with my life. At the time, I also started playing online poker, it was something to do and something I had an interest in. I started winning a lot of money, and I didn't finish college. It seemed so surreal, looking back. I turned my initial deposit of $1000 to over $100,000. I would win or lose several thousand a day at the stakes I eventually played. I started buying expensive clothes, alcohol, a lot of weed, I wanted to feel important. I still didn't have the confidence to approach a girl, and I think I tried to convince myself that I'm better off without all the emotions that other people have. I thought I was content. My first time having sex I was 21 years old with a prostitute. I had many more prostitutes after that. I stayed safe though, and I'm still disease-free. I tried to pass the time by playing a lot of video games, I had irregular sleeping patterns, I smoked a lot of weed. Deep down I still felt that hollow empty feeling, that I think I always felt. I had seen a counselor, and it was nice just having someone to talk to, but it made me feel weak. She recommended some anti-depressants, and no way in hell was I going to take those.

    Eventually the poker boom died down, and I was unable to keep supporting myself and my lifestyle. I do not have a gambling problem, I simply lost interest in poker and some days I had to force myself to play. I spent over 6 months doing nothing except playing video games, and the thoughts of suicide were emerging again. I didn't want to kill myself, because I believe it to be weak. I decided to completely change my life and I signed up for a skydiving school with the intent of becoming a professional skydiver, and to proximity fly. So I went to New Zealand, where I met a lot of interesting people, and I really enjoyed skydiving. It made me feel alive, floating above the clouds. I think I found happiness there, that uplifting feeling. I then went to the USA to build my jump numbers and I am currently working as a professional skydiver with around 1,500 jumps.

    For almost 2 years I was happy, I think truly happy, with a sense of purpose. I also started to feel lonely, and I wanted a companion, someone I can be happy with together. I signed up for online dating, without much expectations. But by some miracle I found this amazing girl, who gave me a chance. She's beautiful, smart, interesting, everything I had hoped for in a girl. The feelings I felt, it was overwhelming. The euphoria, the feeling like I may be able to have a normal life, with the most perfect girl. Having never had any experience in relationships, I had only known her for a little over a month and I fell in love with her. I think I came on too strong. I did try my best though. Flowers, cards, dinners, everything I could think of. I guess she just got annoyed and disappointed in me, and she dumped me a few days ago. I cried after that, it was the first time I cried in over 12 years. All the shit I been through during that time, I never once cried. But I sobbed like a baby under my blanket that night. It was truly pathetic. The past few days I had to force myself to smile at work, which was pretty difficult. As soon as i got home I'd take some sleeping pills to pass the time. I wish for death.

    I will not kill myself, I believe suicide is weak. But I do want to die. I am just so extremely tired. I want to rest. It would be so easy for me to do it too, easier than for anybody else...But I will not die here. When I die, I hope it will be jumping off one of the big cliffs in Norway, flying a wingsuit, it will be more appropriate this way. And I will not have to be a burden and paperwork to deal with for anybody. If all things go well I could be there in less than 2 years. I have managed to stay alive for over a decade like this, I know I can do 2 or 3 more years.

    It's not easy being alone...and I am just so very tired. I wonder what it's like to be loved? It must be a good feeling. It's funny huh, if I was some black kid born in Africa I'd be struggling to stay alive, but here, with clean fresh water to drink anytime I want, medicine readily available to me when I need it, never hungry, or without shelter, and I want nothing more than to die.

    It does feel good writing this, and if you read it, then thanks.
     
    Last edited by a moderator: Jul 27, 2012
  2. Sadeyes

    Sadeyes Staff Alumni

    Hi and welcome...this is so wonderfully written that I wonder if you ever thought of being a writer...that aside, I feel we cannot escape some underlying feelings...they have to be dealt with...all journies are really ones where we are alone, not necessarily lonely, but no one cannot work on our stuff for us...you truly had a rough start and it sounds like you have a great determination...and I do relate to being so very tired...you deserve to be loved and pain is not a contest...yours is authentic and should be acknowledged...welcome again and thanks for sharing
     
  3. Joseph1011

    Joseph1011 Member

    A video similar to this has helped me with my own suicidal thoughts, where it will be something I'll do before I die. So that I can at least say I've lived and my life is not a total waste. It's what got me into skydiving, with proximity flying as the ultimate goal.

    It's a well-made video of wingsuit proximity flying. Worth watching.

    http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=oaMTSOI1Zk4


    Also, I noticed you have a lot of posts here Sadeyes. I imagine it could get pretty depressing, reading about other people's suicidal thoughts and depression. I know it couldn't be easy, and I have a great deal of admiration for you. You say you can relate to being tired, and I believe you. I only hope you take the time between helping people like us to find some happiness for yourself. Go out for a stroll during a sunrise for me, will you? If angels do exist I'm sure you're one of them.
     
  4. Sea Sparkles

    Sea Sparkles Well-Known Member

    Finding something that motivates or detracts you from the thoughts, I realized is the key. :hug:

    Why not try to watch a movie right now get your mind off of things?

    Please be safe-
    Sea
     
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