That frustrated but know no words will help

Discussion in 'Rants, Musings and Ideas' started by Axiom, Dec 28, 2010.

  1. Axiom

    Axiom Account Closed

    I hate this part. Where the frustration seems so bloody annoying you need a vent. Even though it's for real issues, just knowning that no matter what anyone says it won't help the situation. And voicing them will make you look even more stupid and insecure and even possibly fuel the bloody issue.. So I have to bottle them up and ride the waves that they produce. And bywaves I mean waves, where I can calm them down, and then they come back again, like a wave heating up and flowing over my body and mind to the point where it's like a mini head rush of desires and irrational feelings teasing and tormenting me to flow with them. Instead, having to sit here, let them crash against me, and pull me back just a little further.

    I suppose the only comfort is that the more they crash and the more I stand up against them the larger I am to these waves to the point where I can conceal them and rationally rip them apart and choose which position I want to be in relation to them. .. Those self created fictional dillusional desires

    FUCK I WISH IT WAS REAL.. ALL OF IT...................

    And then getting over it.
    Last edited by a moderator: Dec 28, 2010
  2. Sadeyes

    Sadeyes Staff Alumni

    Could there be another way? Maybe letting some of the steam out of the kettle would you see the smaller waves, why not reach out to someone you trust and try to voice it? Just a thought and so sorry you are feeling so overwhelmed...J
  3. total eclipse

    total eclipse SF Friend Staff Alumni

    Words may not help but releasing the frustration will. No one will judge your words here perhaps the words will help others in letting them know they are not alone as well with their frustrations Let them out okay let the wave crash and come to the shore so it does not do anymore damage.
  4. Axiom

    Axiom Account Closed

    Perhaps your suggestions are something I need to learn. Right now I deal with it quite.. well actually. Things are well balanced, I dont let them drastically affect how I respond outward, most of the time. It can just be overwhelming inside. It's like working on the outside normally, but enduring the chaos of myself inside. Sometimes it's too much and how I interact becomes affected dramatically. Most of the time it's just numbed so I have alot of automatic responces with people. Anyhow.. Smaller waves, I donno. It's a whole, breaking it down into individual elements is a necessity for me, but without the whole it can produce completely different views on the situation, and possibilities, which can make things worse for my mind. I suppose because im always worried about what Im not looking at, so unless im looking at it all, I feel uneasy. But when I am, as I always try to do, I become more and more .. weatherd?

    Thanks violet, that's really sweet. But unfortunatly, here, just like everywhere else, there are regulars. And i've already created an obsecure persona on here, and adding real specifics to it will just make that persona even worse, especially embarassing ones. x
  5. ~Young-Violet~

    ~Young-Violet~ Banned Member

    Hello Blake,

    I'm sorry to hear you are feeling so low and that you have to keep yourself locked up. I'm guessing you came to the boards in search for help, you don't have to fight your battles alone. I'm sorry you have so much frustration. As Violet says nobody on hear will judge what you say, you can have a members journal to keep to yourself if you need to vent and don't want anyone to see. Are there peoplearound you that you trust do you have a shrink? Someone you can talk to knowing they will help and not judge?
    Please look after your self take care :hug:

    EDIT - Did not see above reply
  6. total eclipse

    total eclipse SF Friend Staff Alumni

    And i've already created an obsecure persona on here, and adding real specifics to it will just make that persona even worse, especially embarassing ones. x

    I am sorry you feel less inclined to be yourself here YOur persona or personas you show here will not be judged only you can do that i think

    i do understand though in a way i do I hope you can find someone you trust to be just yourself with a therapist someone you know willonly be there to help you someone with your best interest at heart.

    Letting it out and not loosing the control is very difficult smaller releases at atime helps breaking it down helps but i know everyone has their way of dealing with things i hope you find a way that help you
  7. Axiom

    Axiom Account Closed

    Im not one for a shrink. I dont trust objective people at the best of times. Too structural without the emotional aspects I need to learn properly from each experience. Otherwise I just learn like a robot.

    Anyhow, im not worried about losing control. Relatively speaking im calculated even when its chaotic. It's still extremely frustrating and painful to feel these feelings in solitude and not have a release of explanation to someone whom can understand and to which I connect. But thats heading down another avenue I suppose.
  8. total eclipse

    total eclipse SF Friend Staff Alumni

    Perhaps if there is a therapy that involves people like yourself where one just talks releases the thoughts together would help. Is there such a group in your community where one goes and shares their emotions ones that each of you can relate to and understand it may help
  9. Axiom

    Axiom Account Closed

    Yeah it's called a mirror :) Thanks for the suggestion, but I would never participate in such a group. The reciprication I would want on these topics cant come from general people or people who are just there to listen. I build off of my issues by overcomingthem and as a result, i form a connection with those who listen, and moreso those who understand. Which can be a bad thing for both parties which is why i am very careful about what i say to people.

    Which makes this lifestyle very, trying at times. But Im still here so I do get past every issue for the most part, its just .. difficult sometimes
  10. Axiom

    Axiom Account Closed

    *edit* in anycase, specifically talking about the things that bother me doesn't exactly mean Im getting them off my chest. In the end it's looking for some sort of responce or understanding, which I can acquire on my own. I tend to break down the importance of myself into specific desires for who I want to be, and for what I want. Then when things start to get overwhelming, I watch as part of me gets hit by the waves, and I watch my reactions inside and somewhat talk to myself and explain the irrational reactions and the impossibilties that are produced by each aspect of a "wave" upon myself. The only way I know how to overcome an issue is to take it on head on, and resist the failing urges and desires that will not work anymore, even when their possibilities were given a chance at one point. It's difficult when I have to tell myself that those possibilities are no long possible in this situation, which causes alot of distress as the lines are drawn seperating fact from fiction. Trying to convince myself that there is more life in another route of thinking and living, rather then a dillusional failing place where there is no hope for escape and the other enduring benifit is a circular experience of hope with an ultimate conclusion of disappointment. I can only convince by standing as firm as I can but being as passionate about who I am, by using reasoinging and conviction that is extremely fragile and strong. It's knowing about what to say, what to feel, when to say it, when to feel, and when to let myself hit the ground hard so that the reality rips away the dillusion to the point where it as if all my life is disappearing, and awakening a desire to survive and strive for more, or be swept away into oblivion and lies. Though... I tend to be ok at doing it, I can get lost in myself, so i use music as an achor and as a secondary wave to resist my other impulses.

    I can't start talking to people about who I am and how I feel. They have no knowledge of how to speak my language really.. well not usually. How I talk to myself inside, drastically affects how I overcome my problems and who I inevitably become. The rareity of finding someone who thinks like me is something very special to me. And an incredible point of destruction when that person no long is there, especially when I know Im the one who'se overloaded a friendship based on who I am. So trying to let someone in who is methodical, trained and whose perception on life is different than mine is extremely dangerous as they always say the wrong things, but the right things. When anyone goes as deep into themselves as I do, one word, one thought, on impulse, one look, one gesture is a seed that will expand and influence thoughts and positions that are further towards the surface. Granted it might look pretty on the outside, hell I might even function better. But I will be fixed inside. And I can not stand being stuck, and I distaste having to deal with others people inconsistancies inside of my own, especially when their logic is unnatural and doesn't incorporate the way I have made myself. Any talking with other people in distress with my issues when they have their own issues is dodgy enough as it is. I tend to just let them think they're getting somewhere, that they're making sense to me, instead of ripping apart their tools of helpful words. Since they think it might help, on some level it means they believe what they are saying. And what right do i have to rip on the logic and reasoning for someone if it keeps them sane. Unless they are just talking programmed shit, then they aren'treally talking to me at all.

    So I talk this way. Where people have ample opportunity to walk away and say im nuts, impulsive, unspecific. Which is probably what I am. Though it's curious that the more I talk, the more people respond less. I try sometimes to figure it out, but I give up. I can't figure you out anymore. I can't even figure myself out. I can only keep myself going and keep myself semi balanced. What im listening too right now as im writing this, on repeat. Repeating allows me to see what's coming again and again, the circular stimulation that seems overwhelming and everlasting, but.. circular. Try and imagine someone ripping into everything that you are, touching everything that makes you who you are and bringing you down to your kness, to the point where you almost submit and give into emptyness and failure. Using this sort of impulse and flow properly. No person can speak to me like a song can.. almost no person. Well I used to think so. I donno. Well obviously anyone can I guess. Perhaps I don't trust any person who can connect on this level to get near me when Im in this mood. There's no one that knows ourselves better, then ourselves.

    ug... that's the problem when i try to write what Im thinking and direct it in a conversation that's running parrelle to what Im doing. ...

    Are you saying you want me to talk about my issues or are you saying to talk about how I deal with my issues which instelf could be an aspect of the overall issues?? I don't really think anyone wants to read that.

    Strangely, this is starting to read as a plea for someone to listen. But at the sametime, I know the dangers and possibile repercussions of showing my thoughts.
  11. total eclipse

    total eclipse SF Friend Staff Alumni

    You think too much you use logic to get you through i have been there over analizing everything I want you to do what it takes to make you feel stronger and better You have to feel the emotions to get through them without holding back Yes it will be more turmoil and yes you will fall but then with the right skills you will get up but this time you will be stronger. I know it is hard because noone does know you better then you but others have fought the same battles and have won. I hope you continue to reach out for care and understand or whatever you need to keep you going We each attack our own battles in our own special ways but in the end we all need people to understand to help us fight to just be there to acknowledge who we are and what we are going through You see i think too much as well it gets me into trouble sometimes take care
  12. Axiom

    Axiom Account Closed

    I wouldn't say I think too much or use logic as a dominate aspect. It has to balanced, otherwise one tends to dominate the other which creates another distorted perception on life. Which defeats the purpose of withstanding a wave. At a point when I am no longer withstanding a wave, i have to flow between waves of both logic and emotion, feeling both without being taken over by either. Though sometimes it's incredibly needed to fall into an emotional state.. which is what I did.. but when the reciprication is taken away, among many other things, the way back is destroyed because what once was there is no longer there. So it's not making it back, it's making it forward, and it's incredibly painful to acknowledge your mistakes and the loss of all possibilities in that state. Every conflict inside is logical and emotional, and brings me to the point of breaking me to my kness, time after time. It's the only way I know of allowing myself to release what I once accepted, dillusional or rational. Letting go is the hardest thing while withstanding the ever decreasing and increasing possibilities that feel uncontrolable. Only to realize you have to let go of more shit and then Accept The new limiting perceptions...

    I think rather limitedly. Otherwise I would have been able to control myself and not be in this prediciment. Sometimes i wish it wasnt true.. sometimes i wish it wasnt over. sometimes I wish it would just fucking end. Not my life, just this circular argument of tourment I've self created. Though like anything it's pain can be used as a tool in the right situations. Ever been able to be destroyed by a way of thinking, to one day be able to fit that way of thinking in your hand, and then shove that hand down into your heart and let it rip. Eventually you get to points where you have a choice, to treat it's repetitious nature as unique each time and be hurt and challenged each and every time it crops up, or you grow "thick" skin and generalize it's interaction in your life. Logic has a way of growing thick skin, emotion doesnt. And that's one thing I try to do, never grow thick skin to things inside. Which makes every repeating wave extremely painful because if it's new, it grows from the last hit, and evolves to overcome my stance, forcing me to constnatly reposition myself and analize myself and it. Sometimes it just seems so very fucking pathetic though..

    Yeah thoughts tend to get people into trouble.. and life I suppose?
  13. total eclipse

    total eclipse SF Friend Staff Alumni

    Yes i have used the tool of ripping your heart out wit your own emotions your own repetitive thoughts i use it to hurt me so much some times then i get up and walk away and start another day use it to make me strong to make me angry sometimes i see what you are trying to say if i am taking it wrong well i see what i see my perception of words are different than others. but i think i see what you are indeed trying to say. you are in a cnstant state of changing of adapting of thinking your brain never rest it never stops to give you time to see i think you react from your reaction all so much you get overwhelmed now i am rambling sorry take care.
  14. Axiom

    Axiom Account Closed

    Not so much as reacting from my reactions, that's part of it, but to continue to do so without a harnessed focal point or desire, you start to become lost in the reactions which can just spiral off into unassocaited tangents. The reactions are merely a point of prying up what is reacting, the core part that is more sensitive and feels a need to react, or is dying to react in a sense. The reactions allow me to see it's reactions and allow me the opportunity to be stronger than them I suppose, so to best control them. But ultimatly it's about trying to understand the part that's hidden beneath the reactions, the part starved or saturated by some sense or feeling. And being able to touch it very gently and attempt to bring that hidden part out and allow it stand against the subjections that would before create various reactions, allowing more time for that sensitive part to withstand and grow. More so to teach myself, that somethings are not destined to be, and finding the ways to allow that part of me to survive for another time, instead of having it buried beneath the ultimate failure of the situation.
    Though the temptation to fall back into that vicious circle that teases with hope and satisfaction is there.. like a pathway around every wall and stare discovered and created, .. it's very easy to say fuck it and try again to live in that dillusion. And it's so incredibaly FRustrating. Im finding no release right now. Not in a physical sense.. as there isn't any. Considering alot of that ties into it, it's bloody annoying. I could just do transference onto another subject matter related to the reasons, but that's unfair and ultimatly never allows that new subject to grow into what it can from a free point of view. So getting over this is my only option.. but it's considerably complex, yet incredibly simply. And I seriously hate it.
  15. total eclipse

    total eclipse SF Friend Staff Alumni

    But ultimatly it's about trying to understand the part that's hidden beneath the reactions, the part starved or saturated by some sense or feeling. And being able to touch it very gently and attempt to bring that hidden part out and allow it stand against the subjections that would before create various reactions,

    you are trying to understand to part that is causing you so much turmoil trying to reach in and be gentle yet how can you when that part is so astranged to feeling to trusting to even being acknowledged as a part of you. You want to confront it perhaps to understand when there is no understanding I hear you frustration you angst your impatience with you predicament but somethings cannot be approached or maybe better not approached as it will only cause more excruciating pain and suffering and why the hell go there leave it alone live in the present tense only live for now okay don't torment yourself
  16. Fitzy

    Fitzy Well-Known Member

    Hi Blake. I don't think I'm bright enough to follow your posts but I wanted to let you know that I recognise that you are in pain. Does writing it down help you? Is there anything that you want from sf that you think would be supportive?
  17. Axiom

    Axiom Account Closed

    Id have to disagree. The tourment is always there no matter if I bury and leave it alone. The term time heals all scars is realitively pointless to someone like me. I used to believe that, but Im as aware of who I am as I can be. So unfortunatly when I part of me is knocked down, no matter how much I let it rest, it will always be there affecting all subsequent reactions and stimulations, no matter how isolated they are to the issue that is being ignored.

    "you are trying to understand to part that is causing you so much turmoil trying to reach in and be gentle yet how can you when that part is so astranged to feeling to trusting to even being acknowledged as a part of you. You want to confront it perhaps to understand when there is no understanding"
    That's the language of it.. That's how I mean when there are only the select few that can communicate with me that I have met so far, and why at the end I am the best suited for it. I know what makes me tick, I know how hard to push, where to push, when to let myself fall, and when to kneel down beside myself and look myself in the eye to help myself realize the situation I am forcing myself, to give myself the inspiration to take a charge above what dominates me so internally. A gentle touch on such a subject, is to reconnect a part of me that has sheltered itself from the whole, and is trapped in a cycle of despair and self persecution. It's like walking into my own hell, and letting it totally engulf me, and then splitting apart to bring myself back together against the hell, that eventually will become just an idea that can fit into my palm.. which I can just as gently inject into myself again if I need to.
    There is always understand. Chaos is just a matter of perception, and irrationality is a matter of chaotic logic and feelings coupled together. That's why it's like waves, devastaingly seductive, that seem to come from all angles.
    It makes it extremely uncomfortable.. but it's a discomfort I have unfortuntaly allowed to be created. So enduring the pathway through it is my only option if i want to recouple myself to the estranged aspects, as you put it. To leave myself isolated in parts is like walking forward attached to an anchored memory.... Right now that issue has encircled me, creating a seemingly endless world around me, and its growing, but at the same time so am i. Ripping it apart is ripping me apart, but it will come down to choices for myself that I refuse to even look at or acknowledge that they exist because they simply feel like end decisions, when infact they are progressive steps as important as previoues steps and as important as future steps. Right now they are more important than anything, and as a result they are distorting the natural flow of my thoughts and feelings, causing havok inside, and affecting other events in my life.

    Living in the present tense is what brought me to here.. it always seems to do. I kinda fuck everything up, but this time.. I fucked up on a whole deeper way and it's such a tease i wish the whole thing didnt exist.. especially the self created dillusions.. but even more, the actual reality that it is.. was.

    Thanks fitzy. I donno what to say, except that don't let my bullshit come off as anything more than that. It's just, mental crap, and i defiantly word it badly, so it could be percieved as difficult to understand, but it's not you, it's my wording.
    Writing is kinda helping I guess, though Im not talking about the issues, Im skirting them, bringing them into here as best as I will allow I guess. I donno what sf can do beside that to be honest. Im too worried about being specific about things here to be honest.
  18. doityourself

    doityourself Well-Known Member

    Blake, I have no words that you havent already posted. I just wanted to let you know I relate to how you feel, Im also an ear if you ever change your mind.
  19. Axiom

    Axiom Account Closed

    Thanks doityourself :) Though I think id best stay away from anyone. I tend to go overboard.. thread posts seem to keep me a bit more focused I guess.
  20. Axiom

    Axiom Account Closed

    Ug easier said then done. This is getting very annoying.
    I really enjoyed talking here actually suprisingly :) Thanks alot for your posts, especially violet, it's nice to.. verbalise things. .. To be honest, I haven't really tried with this.. just kinda sitting her idle.. Hard when there are other people in the room. I kinda have just been mulling this over... more so on here which is very relaxing for some stupid reason

    Does anyone have any experience with letting go of things by chance? I mean when it comes to desires, and especially when you get so far, but then screw up and it's just.. left mute?
    Last edited by a moderator: Dec 29, 2010