my feelings are to deep for me to put in words. i want to die but im afraid of the unknown. i fear things getting better and working out the way i worked so hard for it to be, cause when things start going good that i might die. you never die when you wish to be dead, so when things do get better and you wish this happiness forever, i fear i might die. i dont have my parents to talk to, they discuss me, and are the majority of the reason i feel this way. they can go eff them self. i have completely alienated myself from the few friends that i do have. only one calls when she hasnt herd from me in a few days. my anxiety is what keeps me from going away from leaving the house. i have a friend that gets payed to go shopping with me and thats after i take anxiety meds and trying to psych myself out. a lot of times i still cant do it. i will go days without eating to avoid going to the store. sometimes i will start shopping then i get paniced and will leave the cart in the middle of the isle and leave. then come home and cry cause i wasnt brave i cowered out. im sick of living like this my therapist tells me then dont live this way if your scared do it anyway. and if i tell him he dosnt get it he just says im trying to argue and come up with excuses to stay in fear cause its simple and im over reacting. sometimes i will envision myself beating the shit out of him, then bam i snap back into reality. sometimes im afraid its not just going to be a daydream or envision. im just going on and on with no real reason of the way i feel, so low so empty. sometimes this forum isnt enough. i want human contact someone to do things with, to distract myself. but then again my anxiety problem feels otherwise. so how am i supposed to keep going on like this?