That little feeling that keeps you from doing it.

Discussion in 'Suicidal Thoughts and Feelings' started by .R., Aug 6, 2007.

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  1. .R.

    .R. Member

    By all logic I should have ended my life a few years ago. I still have some emotional attachment to the thought. Sometimes I let emotions lead me into thinking of suicidal thoughts, but it's definitely more logical for me to kill myself more than anything else. I really have no reasons to prevent me from doing it. I don't have any close family, no friends, I live on disability (SSI) for mental illness and medical problems. This is all after being a relatively normal teenager, with friends etc. I really think it would be noble of me to end my life but I'm not sure why I don't just get on with it. I think I'm more afraid than anything else. I think if I were to stop being afraid it would be much easier for me. I get lost sometimes almost outside of reality but then whenever reality presents itself to me again(recently finding an ex and seeing how well she's got on with her life, promiscuous, still very attractive etc, after she basically crushed me and was cruel to me in ways only a psychopath would enjoy) or I will look in the mirror and remember I used to be kind of handsome as a teenager. I take pictures though and I see I am very far from what anyone would consider attractive. Those kind of thoughts make me feel emotional but I'd want to kill myself for other reasons as well. It's all I think about but I don't know why I don't do it. All the encouragement is there. I think the people who are able to go through with it are very brave.
     
  2. honsou

    honsou Well-Known Member

    Your story is very heart breaking, and i have felt the same way for the past few months, just that little bit of hope that something will go right is keeping me alive. This is really my last shot at trying to get over this or at least deal with it.I think by coming to this forum you will get better, meet people who will care about you. Hell I've been here for a day and feel very welcome, things get better if you just try, its much easier to make friends online so just try here. Things will get better as long as you reach out, which is what your doing =)
     
  3. .R.

    .R. Member

    I can't even make friends online. I'm just cursed or something. Friends I made in real life won't even speak to me online. I don't really have anything holding me back anymore. I took a chance and I failed, just like always. I'm honest in saying that I strongly feel I want my life to end before I reach 26 years old this month.
     
  4. pit

    pit Well-Known Member

    I can definitely relate to what you're feeling. I'm incapable of being involved in a romantic relationship, although I have a girl in my life who's a really good friend. I have no family, a few acqantances, that's prettty much it. I really feel that life as I once knew it is over. I want a painless darkness. I don't want to have to go through re-inventing myself.

    What keeps me from doing it is pain. Winding up crippled for life. Or in a vegetative state, which may not be so bad. The isolation I feel, even though it really isn't my fault, makes me feel like a total loser -- which I am not.
     
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