that night *triggering

#1
I don't know what to do so I thought maybe writing about that night again would help. I have been dealing with flashbacks and nightmares so I am hoping this helps even though it might cause more. It was close to Christmas I cant still see the way the Christmas lights went around the brick wall and around the window. I remember him kissing me as three of us danced together. I thought i would be safe that night. After two of my sisters friends left it was just my cousin, her boyfriend, and my sister left. We went to bed and I thought thank goodness I am tired I can now go to sleep and things are going to be ok. I thought I was safe boy was I wrong. The first time he came to my room when he knelt with his legs on each side of my head and said what he did and did what he did. I couldn't believe it so i did what he said because I was so scared. I thought he was done when he got up but instead he went to the end of the bed to do more. I can still feel his touch and how it hurt. That is when I quietly said ouch so he stopped because he didn't want me to make a sound and wake my cousin or my sister up. So he left and flushed the toilet to pretend he went to the bathroom. I thought this is it he is gone so I tried to roll over and look out the window and tried to fall asleep with the music playing. I can still hear what song was playing while I tried to go to sleep. Next thing I know he came back into the room to touch me and try to stick it in again. I tried to squirm out of the way but he touched me and tried anyway. Some how he stopped and left again. Once again he flushed the toilet and after a little bit I was scared he was going to come back in and finish what he started so I left my bedroom. I told my sister I was going to move my car, but instead I went to where I worked which was a nursing home and talked to one of my friends who was a nurse. She then proceeded to try to find my parents as they were out drinking with some friends of theirs. Once she found them they all decided that the cops needed to be called so she called the cops. Some came to where I was and some went to my parents house. The ones that went to my parents house found him dressed exactly the way I said he was. I had gotten sick and was throwing up because I was so upset one of my other friends that was also working that night heard what was happening and she sat with me in the bathroom while I threw up. When the cops got to me he came and took my statement but the first thing I told him was that someone needed to take my mom home because she was so intoxicated that it made me feel worse having her there. Shortly after talking to the cops about what happened, one of them took me to the er to do the rape kit. That was also hard to do by myself at least the nurse was nice. Due to my mom being so drunk and my dad had also been drinking they were not able to come get me from the er my sister had to so her and our neighbor lady came to get me. A few nights after everything, I went to bed got around the corner so no one could see me and heard my mom say I made it up for attention. It felt like a knife in the heart to have my own mom not believe me. I have felt like I have been dealing with this alone since then. This happened 25 years ago and it still hurts to this day. Right now I am dealing with feelings of guilt and shame. If only I could have stopped it sooner, said something, or done something.
 

JDot

remember to drink plenty of water
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SF Supporter
#2
I'm sorry this happened to you. Please don't think you have anything to feel guilty about. Twenty-five years later you have the ability to analyze the event and think about what could have happened differently. But you didn't have that ability at the time. You didn't know it was going to happen. And he was completely in control that night. He is 100% to blame. I hope that writing this brings you some peace of mind if even a little bit. Remember SF is here for you.
 

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