That's it, I'm done. For real.

Discussion in 'Help Me! I Need to Talk to Someone.' started by AsphyxiateOnWords, Apr 9, 2012.

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  1. AsphyxiateOnWords

    AsphyxiateOnWords If you're 555, then I'm 666.

    He is a lazy piece of shit junkie and he'll never change. So what difference is there between being with him or by myself? Or dead, for that matter.

    I have a signed blank check from another family member that I will write the amount of money on today and deposit into my account today as I decide which of three things I want to buy to kill myself.

    And if I change my mind before then, I'll give the money back to them. Maybe then they'll understand how miserable I am at least.

    I was supposed to go get my high school transcript today to send to temple but I can't do it on my own because I don't know who to talk to or where to go, and my asshole of a fiancé won't help me because he's too busy laying in bed from all the drugs he's done.

    Fuck life, I give up and I'll be gone soon enough.
  2. AsphyxiateOnWords

    AsphyxiateOnWords If you're 555, then I'm 666.

    On my way now to buy what I need. I told him I was doing it and as suspected, he doesn't give a flying fuck. I am going to have to make sure someone will take care of my ferrets before I go. But today is the day it looks like. So all those who said I wasn't serious can fuck off.
  3. justMe7

    justMe7 Well-Known Member

    Wanna hold off....
    Somethings sparking the crap out of you and that's not right. You are so much more than this.. dont let the shit in life make you feel you have to do this or that this is the only option.
    Just... dont go for it. Stick here and talk or do something that's just for you and positive, and relaxing.. Please dont get that shit..

    Maybe we can help you find out who you have to talk to? I've had to get my high school records right, it was with my cities school board main office. If you want, yours will be listed online and will have a customer service number.
  4. AsphyxiateOnWords

    AsphyxiateOnWords If you're 555, then I'm 666.

    I called my HS for it initially and they said since I didn't graduate and got my GED, they sent my records to the GED place. So I call the GED place and can't get a hold of anyone. I ask my fiancé to go with me to my high school and check for my records just to make sure they don't have it, he refused to help me cause he's a dickhead. So I decided to go kill myself instead. Almost to the store already to buy what I need. All I got from my fiancé was a message that he was gonna go buy crack. I said go ahead, maybe I'll be dead by the time you get back
  5. Kate777

    Kate777 Well-Known Member

    I hope you see this and feel like you can come back on and talk here. People care and want to help and offer support. I've read your posts and you've done so well to hang on while you've been feeling like this and dealing with so much but keep going, you can get through this.

    SBlake is right, we can help with the practical side and try and find out how you can get the transcript you need.

    Thinking of you
  6. justMe7

    justMe7 Well-Known Member

    Fuck your fiance for right now. ... right .. sorry. I know that might make you totally off to whatever I say, but i have a real point in this. He's not himself. The person you loved and that loves you is still there, but he's fighting his own crap, and not being there for you how he normally would be. His responces and lack of care are going to drive so much pain into you, but it's not deliberate. Try to appricate the fact that he's fucked up atm, and you are not. Sure youll disagree with me, but you've got your head on your shoulders enough to see his problems, your own, and still be pro-active. He's losing the plot, dont listen to him right now. He'll get the help he needs one way or the other, in the meantim, you have to keep a strong face to his bullshit, and just do what you ahve to do to make your life better.

    Um.. i hope i havent over stepped my mark, but I feel it's worth it to take that chance right now tbh.... Do you know the location of your GED?*im sorry im a bit unfamilar with what this establishment is and the realtion between it and your Highschool. But if you did get in contact with your school and they said they transfered your records there, can you not go to your GED hq? ... Weird, not the place you'd expect your hardcopy HS records to be. But in anycase, if you've got time to just .. go for a walk or something, maybe make your way down there or give them a call again.
  7. AsphyxiateOnWords

    AsphyxiateOnWords If you're 555, then I'm 666.

    7177836788 is the number to the headquarters that gave me my GED diploma. Try calling them yourself and you'll see that all try say is "all operators are busy". I can't go down to it on person though because it's on Harrisburg PA and I'm in Philadelphia. All I can do is have them mail it to me if they have my records.

    I know my fiancé isn't himself but he doesn't care to change and probably never will until he either goes to jail or rehab. And I don't feel like sticking around waiting until that happens.

    Entering store now.
  8. Kate777

    Kate777 Well-Known Member

    Instead of going to the store, why not go to your High School and see if they have the transcript? Forget that your fiancee isn't able to go with you right now, you are strong enough to deal with this.

    You seem frustrated and angry which is completely understandable, you're dealing with a lot but why not use the anger to spur you with the progress you've been making?
  9. justMe7

    justMe7 Well-Known Member

    However it goes you are the only one who can make the choice to get what you are getting. I would ask that you give yourself one moment before and really look at things. You have been doing remarkably well considering the circumstances. Don't let anyones crap steal you away from the best parts of life. You're working so hard to get them, and enduring so much. It's not in vain, not if you make things happen, and you are. His crap.. it's going to be a serious drain and place that will hurt you. But don't let that pain push you or make you forget the sudtle gentle parts of life that give you hope. You may quickly disregard that or take your time and disregard it, but the fact remains you are in control, and you always have been. Despite people pulling you down you are still trying, and doing. ... You never would have walked to this store if it wasnt for something else pushing you to. You don't need this stuff.. Buy something totally useless or nice for you instead. Change your day, and way of thinking now, cause I've seen you do things. So you can do this too if you want to..

    Actually that's a really good idea. Why not go to hs instead? Atleast it's something geared into making your life better. Perhaps you can send in a request online.

    The phone lines might be "busy" because it's easter monday. Infact, just closed for the day.
  10. AsphyxiateOnWords

    AsphyxiateOnWords If you're 555, then I'm 666.

    I'm heading to the party store to get a helium tank for "balloons" (not really balloons, though). I got an attachment for the tank that I'll need at home depot. But I'm heading to party city now to get the rest of it. I can always decide not to use it I I change my mind today. What would it matter if it sits in my closet for now?
  11. justMe7

    justMe7 Well-Known Member

    cause there's a fine difference in knowing you can get something, to already having it. Especially if it's very easily fatal. The choice between getting it and not is struggle, but a choice that is very important. Once you have it, that choice isn't there, it becomes a new choice, and a lot worse one. The fact that things are so bad right now between your fiance and you, makes it a very dangerous combination. He can hit u deep down and hard, which makes you more in need of a release or some form of escape. If this is there, it's a real option for when you are struggeling in the moment. It also will be there, reminding you and in effect anchoring you. It's a very bad idea.
    There's a fine difference between an idea and a feeling, versus something that you can physically hold and use. Combine that with a trecherous moment(THAT YOU WILL OVERCOME AND PASS) and you have a very dangerous situation that you would normally come out of fine. But with this there... it'll only warp and distort the possibility of making things better for yourself. It has nothing positive in it...
  12. AsphyxiateOnWords

    AsphyxiateOnWords If you're 555, then I'm 666.

    I'm sorry but I just have to go and buy the tank. I need te co
    For of knowing I can leave if it becomes too unbearable. I told him of he wants to fix things he has to turn back and not buy the drugs otherwise I was done with the relationship. So he said he was turning back and going home. But I can't trust him for shit, he's gonna disappoint me and treat me like shit again, and in that case I need to have a way out. If it goes well from here on, I won't use what I buy, but if it doesn't, I refuse to live that way anymore.

    At the very least, if I end up getting the thing with my transcript handled and get into Temple U, I would like to live somewhere else other than with my family because they make my life miserable a lot of the time too. But unless I get a job (and I've been applying to jobs with no offer of an interview yet), that's not going to happen. I need to get away from my environment and current life situations in order to stay alive.
  13. AsphyxiateOnWords

    AsphyxiateOnWords If you're 555, then I'm 666.

    I am stopping by my high school on my way to get the helium tank to see if I can get my transcript situation handled.
  14. justMe7

    justMe7 Well-Known Member

    However you choose to deal with this is up to you, but in the meantime, I hope you ponder on the situation a bit more, and maybe try to find the way of stopping yourself from purchasing it. The feeling of escaping things when they get that bad can always be balanced with something else. It doesn't have to be this... You really deserve alot better.

    At the very least, I hope you can get a copy of your transcript from your High School, or some more specific information.

    xx best wishes... be kind to yourself. Things are rough..but you really dont deserve or need this.
  15. AsphyxiateOnWords

    AsphyxiateOnWords If you're 555, then I'm 666.

    Well I didn't get my transcript from my high school when I stopped by but they did tell me that they send older steam scripts to another area in philadelphia. They gave me a transcript request application and the address and phone of the place so I'll fill out the app. and stop by Wednesday morning to try to get it from them.

    Also, a shitty situation happened with my doctor where I had an appointment today but y fiancé and I had a fight a few dad ago (Saturday I think) and both ended up going to buy crack to feel better. I think I wrote about that on my other topic "so I'm in a crisis situation". But due to the crack, I couldn't go to the doctors appointment because I would have been drug tested and so I had to switch it all the way to the 23rd of April. Problem is, my Suboxone ran out and I would be in some serious withdrawal if I went that long without it. But luckily I asked him to call in some more meds until my next appointment and he did. So I should be okay I hope in that area.

    My fiancé said he ended up not buying drugs, though. But I'm still going to buy the helium tank. I need it as a "just-in-case" type thing. Cause what am I supposed to do if something else goes wrong (and it probably will cause he's a fucking liar and is going to use no matter what) and I end up hysterical and wanting to die. I have to get it. Just in case. And I'll hide it somewhere.

    If I decide to go through with it, I'll let you all know and say goodbye.
  16. Kate777

    Kate777 Well-Known Member

    Of course it's your choice if you want to buy it but I really hope you don't. When you're living in a volatile situation things can go from 0-10 in an instant, I used to live in such a situation and it could cause my mood to change so quickly. I could go from feeling a bit hopeful about the future to wanting it all to end because of the actions of another person. But your life and existence can't be dependent on another person because you're giving away your control and power over your own life. Giving up the drugs is a hard battle and you can't do it for your fiancee, please don't give up just because he falters or slips sometimes.

    Have you considered any support groups for people whose partners/friends/family members with addition problems?
  17. AsphyxiateOnWords

    AsphyxiateOnWords If you're 555, then I'm 666.

    Yes, I have started going to support groups. I went to alanon this past Friday and planning on going to naranon on Wednesday. But I don't think they can help me soon enough.

    I bought the helium tank. Now just need to buy some fittings and such. Then I'll go home and hide it from everyone.

    To tell you the truth, it makes me feel sort of empowered that I am in control of my misery/my life at the moment.
  18. 1dayatatime

    1dayatatime Member

    So he's a POS...just cuz he doesn't care doesn't mean others don't. Speaking from experience, he's an addict (as you say)...he cannot cope with himself, let alone others. I'm a complete stranger going through it, and I care. Take a day. Please.
  19. AsphyxiateOnWords

    AsphyxiateOnWords If you're 555, then I'm 666.

    I'm probably not going to kill myself today, I'll just have the stuff sitting somewhere in the basement if I do decide to kill myself some day in the future.

    I do appreciate the support from you guys though, all in such a short amount of time and everything. It's nice to know someone cares at least, since nobody I know in real life seems to.

    But if something happens where I do decide to do it sooner than i'd expected, I'll let you guys know.
  20. Kate777

    Kate777 Well-Known Member

    It's great that you went to the support groups, I'm sure if you keep going you'll get the support face-to-face as well as online.

    You're strong enough to get through this and if, at some point, you feel like you could get rid of the tank I think it would be a really really good idea. You know that you always have the option of going and buying another and that's in your control but the act of having to go and buy it will give you enough time to get another perspective on whatever has triggered the desire, talk to people on SF and take yourself out of the situation.

    The more you can talk to people who are objective rather than in the situation with you (ie your fiancee), the better. I really hope you're ok, if you ever want to talk feel free to PM me.
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