That's it

Ever since I was 6, I never quite understood the purpose of living. And yes, I'm someone who had a (kinda) traumatic childhood, I was bullied not only during that time, but also until 9th grade, and it permanently damaged my ambitions, dreams, confidence and self-esteem. And yes, I've tried an incredible amount of times to improve them, but to no avail, it always comes back... and the older I get(I'm 20) the less will I have to live. I'm the definition of a loser:
-bad grades, boring, uninteresting, awkward, low confidence, low self-esteem chronic underachiever in absolutely everything that I do. My GPA is low as hell, and I just don't have what it takes to increase it, I'm just too boring, awkward and uninteresting for a girl to like my company, I just wasn't made to live, I wasn't made to walk on this earth...

Every now and then, I have something that makes me "forget" about all this, but I always keep this on the back of my mind: I will eventually commit suicide, my life will end before I turn(or even at) 30. When I look at my future, all I see is loneliness, a terrible job, an all-around terrible life, and all I can do is watch as I am unable to do anything to change it, no matter how hard I try.

I'm at a point where I wouldn't mind if I was diagnosed with terminal cancer. I wouldn't be sad at all, I would be happy I could finally leave this fucking hell of a thing people call life...

I'm not fit to live...

 

Meh, I kinda want to have a terminal illness, it'd be nice to be happy for the first time in my life: knowing that I'd die soon would be so awesome that it would outweigh the physical suffering. Trust me, I know what I'm saying, I NEVER wanted to live in the first place. Ever since I was born, my life has been nothing but suffering. My life is the definition of "clusterfuck"...

The most important thing that I wanted to achieve? A girlfriend. Absolutely NOTHING(not counting having a terminal illness) would be better than having someone who loves you for who you are and wants to spend time with you. It would give me the second most important thing I want the most: self-confidence. I would move mountains, I would conquer planets if I had a girlfriend. A girlfriend would solve absolutely ALL my problems, with byproducts including: being motivated, better grades, better confidence, better self-esteem. Seriously, it would be a HUGE improvement in my life!

But reality sinks in once more, and I have to accept that I will have a fucking shitty future, shitty grades and will be lonely for the rest of my life. Hell, why the fuck am I healthy when there are people who have cancer and a huge joi de vivre? Shit, I wish I had terminal cancer, I can't take this anymore...

EDIT: Congratulations on beating depression! You seem like an awesome person, which I'm sure everyone would have to like as a friend! Keep fighting!

 

To get a girlfriend one has to be confident and accomplish things for themselves first and not depend on someone else to motivate them
You fight for you that will be attractive to a girl you have to put a positive side out there ok for them to like not one that is self defeating not one that has given up themselves Get doing something that you have interest in and you will meet people with same interest as you in that field do something for YOU ok

 

I understand. I started talking to a girl a couple of weeks ago, we're making some progress. I hope things go according to the plan.

Now, the other problem is underachievement. I don't know what to do, and the more I study, the more I work, I can never get the grades I want. I don't want this to go on, because my future is at stake, and I don't want to end up in a terrible job...
This is why I'm feeling suicidal, I feel like a loser, I feel like everyone is getting the results they want and achieving sucess, while I can never get it, no matter how hard I try...

 

You are not a loser!

You have been through a lot, and bullying can really change how you see yourself. Have you had any help to get over it?
It can get better!
Grades doesn't have to be everything that determines your success as a person. Do you have something you like doing? A hobby?
I was like you when I was 20... but I didn't seek help. I let my life 'go to hell' and I regret that now.

If you don't have a hobby, try to find something, search for something productive. You need successes, if you're anything like me you need physical evidence that you're doing something good.

 

But I'm a total loser. I'm not good at anything in particular, I can't get a girlfriend, I can't get good grades. With this, I'll never find a job, I'll die alone and poor...

I don't have any ideas of productive hobbies. Can you help me with this?

Yes, I need solid proof that I'm not a huge fuck up. I'm glad someone understands me! Thank you!

 

What about hobbies that has nothing to do with school? Do you draw? anything? sports?

 

well, I'm in a martial arts group, we practice Traditional Jujutsu