that's it.

That's it. Funnily enough this time there's no trigger. I have three weeks.
I don't want to change my mind.

 

With depression, you usually do change your mind. You go from thinking you want to die, to thinking you don't.. and back and forth.

Have you ever tried to hurt yourself before??

Even if your emotions are out of control, and you think you want this, it is not so easy to do it, when it comes down to that moment. You know that's it, there is no return.

Your mind tells you that you want to die, but deep down in your heart, you know you just wish that things could be different in your life.

I'm sorry that you are feeling like hurting yourself. If you want to talk about what is wrong, I'm here to listen.

 

I've been feeling suicidal for over a year. It comes and goes, but every time when the thoughts return they are stronger than before. I feel empty, like nothing matters, not even my family. I know that one day I will kill myself, so I guess its better to know when so that I can prepare everyone for this.

 

I gave myself a date too but today I haven't felt like dying as much. I think it takes a "in the moment" kind of thing to actually do it. If you can "ride the wave" as my benzo friends have told me you can make it through. A friend of mine always says that you have to hold on because every day could be the day things change. What if you kill yourself days before you would have met the person of your dreams? The dream job? Although we suffer the longer we stay alive it is a good fight we are fighting. We have an inner strength that nobody else can see just by choosing to live. We are strong just by the fact that we keep breathing... even if we can't feel that strength, it's there.