With depression, you usually do change your mind. You go from thinking you want to die, to thinking you don't.. and back and forth.
Have you ever tried to hurt yourself before??
Even if your emotions are out of control, and you think you want this, it is not so easy to do it, when it comes down to that moment. You know that's it, there is no return.
Your mind tells you that you want to die, but deep down in your heart, you know you just wish that things could be different in your life.
I'm sorry that you are feeling like hurting yourself. If you want to talk about what is wrong, I'm here to listen.