that's so strange...

Discussion in 'Suicidal Thoughts and Feelings' started by Andvari, Sep 15, 2010.

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  1. Andvari

    Andvari New Member

    Hello. To tell the truth, I've no valid reasons to kill myself. I'm a student of a good university, the department I always wanted to study at, live alone in my own flat, have enough money...
    But. As a child, I was believed to be very talented and I'd to learn hard at school. I did my homework whole evenings and had no time to mix with smb (it also wasn't allowed and everybody at school hated me as a bore) But since nine I couldn't be the best in my class and my parents became disappointed in me and bared a new baby, now they are interested only in my little brother... I thought I could seek consolation in love, but my first passion was unrequited and I was in depression for one year, nobody helped me, through I beg to different people for it...
    I felt I were absolutely alone, looked for smh to kill time, became addicted of computer games, then of Internet when I got it. At Net I used to lie much,'cause I thought that nobody would be interested in me if I tell the truth. Strange, but it worked. At 14 I met in Net a girl who became my best friend, but we fell out with her often, it was very painful and I tried regular to break up - useless, I became too addicted of her. Didn't stop lie, through promised myself to give it up. In the end, when we'd a big quarrel and she hadn't answered to my messages for four days I said her I loved her... Why? I just tried to get her back, but didn't think that she would confess to the same thing... We'd a virtual affair for three months, it's hard to imagine how much I hurt her feelings... Then she stopped talking to me. I threatened, I had done much, she was too important for me, though I didn't love her... Thought much about suicide: if everybody is disappointed at me and I'm a swine (what I've realized) - what sense to live anymore?
    But...I got a new chance and I missed it as well. I got a new love one year ago to my virtual friend from Sweden. Well, it was not a love, something like passion, I don't know how to name it, I never took it seriously, thought it'd be over in one or two months... But... When I said him that I was attracted be him (he was too clever, I'm crazy about such people) he deleted me from all messengers but we met each other at one chat.'ll take too much time to tell what I did...I believe he became angry often of my action. But my passion still lives and even doesn't weak. I don't know how long it will continue and always despair when I'm thinking of it...
    I have a depression since one year, sleep four hours at day, eat little and am always sad or angry. Sometimes am conscience-stricken (how could I did it everything???). hurt myself with a knife (have some scars), can't talk with others (too much aggression), get nightmares... And suicidal ideas as well. I visited a psychologist, but he just said that I'm only a silly girl, "'cause everybody has an unhappy love" (I believe he didn't listen to my words, I talked about conscience more than about any other feelings)
    I thought it'll become better if I stop lie. I did it. Haven't lied since April. Never. But it didn't help. Visiting a Russian antisuicidal site also didn't work, they all are so pious there and only advise me to confess. But no sense for me, I'm a deist.
    Also believed to my uni. Entered it this year. I like my specialization very much, but have problems and my depression doesn't weak... I don't know what else I can prove. It seems that I've tried everything I could.
    Only suicide... Of course, it will be a shock for my parents, but they have their loved child - my brother. Nobody anymore will care. I think so.
    But... There's always something to do. I don't wanna die now. I just wanna stop suffering from my depression and me remorse... But how? I can't think other way, I tried...

    P.S. English isn't my mother tongue. Sorry if something is wrong...
  2. total eclipse

    total eclipse SF Friend Staff Alumni

    depression can hit anyone doesn't have to have a reason to destroy someone
    it can be all chemical problems. Get on meds okay get therapy for what it is that is holding you back get help for you okay no one else can do that but you. I really hope you get some professional help it works
  3. flowingriver

    flowingriver Well-Known Member

    Andvari, I'm sorry that you are going through such a hard time right now. Try to get a more understanding therapist. Get a new hobby, that can distract you from relationships on the net for now. You are young, and you are very intelligent to speak at least two languages fluently, and I suspect that you speak Swedish and other languages as well. You have a lot to offer this world.
  4. Andvari

    Andvari New Member

    Thanks. But don't know what hobby can distract me from Net.
    I looked up at a list of my town's therapists, the main problem is that majority of them don't see under-age patients without parents' permission. Mine live very far from me. But found two who don't demand it, will try...

    Also. What can you say about getting any pet? One girl from my uni proposed me to take one of her newborn kittens. Maybe I won't feel so lonely anymore. Can it help to overcome or minimize depression?

    Four. English, German, Swedish and Icelandic. A bit Latin and Faroese as well. Languages is the biggest passion in my life. But for Russia it's quite strange...
  5. flowingriver

    flowingriver Well-Known Member

    Andvari, yes having a pet is a great idea. It will relieve so much of your stress, and give you someone to care for, who will love you unconditionally.
    A dog will give you a reason to get out of the house, get exercise, and walk.
    A cat is easier to take care of, but is very much a good companion. Maybe you can look into getting a pet.

    It's a good idea to get a therapists, and the ones you mentioned, who you don't need your parents permission for, is a good place to start.

    You really should congratulate yourself on the ability to speak so many languages, obviously you are smart and talented.

    You'll be alright.
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