hi guys. I really dont know where to start, and im guessing this is going to be long but i just need to get it all out there and see how i feel after, I've never been able to open up to any of my close family or friends, so i guess i am writing this here to hopefully make myself feel better, if not just get advice from the only other people who have any idea how i feel. first off, please dont think this is a post looking for sympathy because i have had a bad couple of weeks and i am over reacting, it couldnt be further from the truth, i've been hiding my feelings from my friends and family for the past 15 months and now its getting to the point i feel like i need to speak up and either explain to my doctor whats happening or sit my mum down and talk to her about it, im just scared that they will not truely believe i am serious in what i am saying and will brush it off. I lived with my dad just me and him all my life until i was 21, he was my best friend and the only person i ever really spoke about my feelings too. He died December 2010, it wasnt expected and i didnt really accept it, i was his full time carer but he had no terminal illness, he was in a motorcycle accident a long time ago and needed help around the house. We didnt have alot of money and it was a house given to us by the government, when he died they had to move me into a smaller 1 bedroom place so another family could make use of the stairlift etc since i was now living there alone. Fast Forward to now and im living alone in a small place, im incredibly lonely and my family seem to just be getting on with life as they were. I lost my job 4 months ago in august and since then i have struggled with money, i think about my dad every day and how much i took for granted the easy life he gave me with hardly any stress and how much i didnt appreciate the security that i had. We had a dog since she was a puppy, shes 11 now and i still have her living with me, i honestly believe if it wasnt for the love that dog gives me i would of done something stupid by now, but thats the thing, i used to know that i couldnt do anything silly because of how much the dog dotes on me, but lately that feeling has passed and i think she would accept it like she did when my dad died, so now i feel like the inevitable could be getting closer. I've lost direction of where i was going to go with this post, but basically, im sad,lonely, depressed and worried about myself, last week i actually wrote a note to my mum and siblings explaining how sorry i am for what i have done to them and for being such a coward, and then i just seemed to snap out of it and couldnt believe i had just wrote a suicide note. I've never had any mental problems before and have never taken any sort of anti-depressants or even talked to my doctor about it, i guess i am just confused and have no idea what i am going to do. im sorry for the big post and if anyone has taken the time to read this i appreciate it.