I'm not really sure why I'm bothering to post here, perhaps it's sheer desperation. Beware, venting in progress: I am a 21-year-old autistic male (Asperger's Syndrome, to be precise), about 40 lbs. underweight, "socially retarded," severe acne, uber-geeky/nerdy, unemployed, marginally and "hanging by a thread" Christian, TERRIBLY depressed, suicidal, tortured by social anxiety, wracked with OCD, and frankly just trying to survive untill I make it out of college. Don't get me wrong, I'm doing fine academically. I have almost a 4.0. What does that mean though? Does that matter when I have absolutely no sense of direction for a career, no social connections, and no money? Does it matter when when I have NO way to utilize the few talents I actually do posess in any kind of occupation? Oh, and some have said, "Beauty is in the eye of the beholder"? Well, my ugliness could poke the beholder's @%$%&^@ eye out. Do you know what it's like to have everyone think you're retarded when they meet you? I can debate professors in philosophy and reason critically on a higher level than I have seen any of my classmates reach, but I can't even finish a sentence without slurring my words and stuttering! For God's sake, I can't even tie my shoes right! Just having people around me makes me tremble and sweat in nervousness; even being able to eat in public without vomiting has never been something I could take for granted. I started receiving counseling around the age of sixteen and have sinced hopped from one advisor to the next. Half-a-dozen anti-depressants have only DEEPENED my depression. After I wake up, only three hours pass before I start drifting off into exhausted stupor once again. I've tried to live a "good" life -- I've never touched drugs or even a drop of alcohol, never gotten so much as a speeding ticket, but where has it gotten me? Nowhere, other than pain, misery, and endless torture. Everyday I see people treating other people in the most repugnant manner, everyday I see another thousand examples of greed and barbarity. And yet, in spite of all this, those in the greatest position to improve things are oblivious to it all. I haven't spent more than $10 on myself in a year, and yet I'll turn on the TV and see a rockstar, couched comfortably in the luxuries that millions of dollars afford and praised by the media as a beacon of hope, urging me to give generously to the poor. While thousands enjoy decadence in otherworldly measure, millions starve to death or are murdered with no so much as a whisper heard in the ears of the powerful. And yet we sit silent. No, we do not merely endure it, we worship it! We idolize them as gods and goddesses. What do we care about those thousand dead Asian children or those ten thousand dead African infants? Britney Spears has shaved her hair! I'm so glad we have our priorities set straight. Can you offer any solace? Hope? Advice? Is it worth your time? Am I worth your time? Doubtful. I know...you want to type in "Yes, we care about you!" Do you really? How can you care about someone you don't even know? How can you believe so blindly in your precious "love"? To me, love is for the beautiful, the rich, and the socially adept. How can you say, "Hang on! It'll get better"? How can you say, "Just have faith"? Hang on how? Have faith in what? Faith...what a useless concept! Faith is for the fortunate, the naive, and the ignorant. Hang on for what? There is no cure for Asperger's, nor does there seem to be any for my depression. As the years pass, the depression only intensifies in its crushing pain. As I read over this post, guilt chokes me, too. Besides my futile rant on the state of the world, all I see is whining and prideful boasting about the only redeeming quality I *might* have, my intelligence. Even that, if I am indeed intelligent, gets me nowhere if I have no chance to use it. People bring me no happiness, only sorrow. I so want to help people, yet people are also my greatest fear. What am I compared to Einstein? Da Vinci? Newton? Tesla? A tiny blot of insignificance. Give me logical reasons why I should not end my life? Because life will get better? I've already gone over that. Because it will hurt my family's feelings? My own depression has already pushed them to the point where they have had to seek counsel for depression! My mother has tried her best to help calm things, but she has often had to stop me and say, "No more, this [talking about my depression] is depressing me more than I can handle right now." My brother has had to stop me suddenly and say, "Enough, please! I love you but I have to go." I do love them, I really do...but I am to SUFFER THIS HELL FOR THE REST OF MY LIFE so they can have the satisfaction of two living sons instead of just one? Is my own life so worthless that its only value is in the emotional well-being that I bring to these three people? Am I to strive on in this struggle for the purpose of avoiding the eternal punishment of an angry God that presumedly made me this way in the first place?? Or, as some believe (and I have certainly not excluded this possibility, it is as logical as any other view I have encountered...), there is no God and thus there is no overriding purpose outside of a materially-driven existence. All attempts to search for an answer have led to the same conclusion: unless some earth-shattering event occurs, death is the the only merciful option.