The Aftermath: For those who have attempted or who suceed in taking your life. Part 1

Discussion in 'Suicidal Thoughts and Feelings' started by Macaw_Lover, Jan 27, 2007.

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  1. Macaw_Lover

    Macaw_Lover Member

    Some of the posts I have read, posters have indicated that they didn't want to hear all sunshine, roses and happiness. Especially I’m sure if that isn't how you are feeling right now.

    The first thing I want anyone who is suicidal to realize and many people don't because suicide has always carried a stigma with it and that is wrong. It is a real serious problem and people need to wake up, open there eyes and learn about this and maybe JUST maybe some lives can be saved!

    Many people, who experience suicidal thoughts, don't want to actually kill themselves. In fact many might not realize that it is actually a chemical imbalance in the brain that causes most people to commit suicide. These chemicals send incorrect signals to your brain (and I’m not talking about drugs here), indicating that all is hopeless, lost, no one cares, life is better off without me, what is the use type thoughts.

    It doesn't make one weak to ask for help. In fact you can do so without family, friends or loved ones even knowing if you so choose to do this. Even though I think the support can really get you through more of taking action and asking for help. If one has a chemical imbalance all you need to do is find the right person that can get you on the right meds. If one doesn't work, don't despair. Sometimes you have to try a few to find the right one. I know some of you might be thinking "Why do I want to be dependant on pills"? Well ask yourself this, dependant on pills or not alive to be dependant or anyone dependant upon you?

    I lost my Brother in Law to Suicide 8 years ago. He was the father of 3 boys who are now Fatherless. Now let me ask you HOW are that better for those boys as well as the others who loved him. It's not. The Aftermath is this. Having to watch your sister in so much despair that she can't even move that her husband of 12 yrs is just now dead. Her having to face her kids to tell them that there dad died by his own hands. Me having to help these boys and fight back tears when they ask the question "I thought my dad loved us...", or "I would give up everything, this big house, the snowmobiles, the boat, the trucks, everything JUST to have my Dad back". Tell me you could fight back the tears on this one. This was coming from a 9 year old boy. His brothers just 7 and 5. They have difficulty remembering things about there dad and everyday that haunts them because regardless of what he did they Love him. I help them with memories the best I can, but that isn't the way it should be. He should be here making memories with his boys, not them trying to hang onto the ones they can remember. I mean, they were young. Many of us have trouble with memories at that age, but something ever so important as one of your parents? It just isn’t the same.

    At least if you are considering to harm yourself you really should take the time to read what you would leave behind if you choose, yes I said choose not to get help. Being Suicidal one can't help, getting help though you can choose that!

    I'm not writing this to make anyone feel guilty for there suicidal thoughts. I am writing this in hopes that even if just ONE person gets the help they not only need, but deserve then this time I am taking with my back killing me (epidural steroid injection in my back this morning) is completely worth it and I would do it a million times over!

    Now back to the Aftermath. I was there when my Brother in Law on that fateful day of Sept 14th 1998 around 10pm. When the man who I had known my entire life and who meant so much to his family and friends decided to shoot himself in the head.

    My Brother in Law called our house that night twice. First time like the normal 18 year old that I was being on the other line I just wanted to get him off the line so I could continue my conversation with my friend. He was very happy sounding asking if we had completed the roof we were working on that weekend. In fact, it was the day before that while we were on the roof he said to me I want you to know I will always be watching out for you. I just said oh ok, thanks. Wonderful response I know, but I didn't know that he was hurting inside and that the next day he would be gone.

    So I hung up the phone and 30 sec. later he called again and I remember saying grrrr....it's my brother in law again hang on. I answered and this time he was very angry and told me he had a gun to his head and he was going to kill himself. He said that I better come out to his house to be with my sister and the kids because they were sitting in the cop car up the street and would need me. He told me to tell my mom, and then he yelled no I will tell her. I was in shock and honestly wasn't sure I believed him; I didn't want to believe him. I went to get my mom and she answered the phone and he had hung up. It was then I knew that he was very serious about his intent. The friend I was on the other line with happen to live literally 2 blocks from my sisters house and I told him what my brother in law just said and asked him to drive over there. A few min later he called me back saying "I'm really sorry to have to tell you this, but there are about 30 cops blocking off the entrance to your sisters street".

    I immediately got in my car to drive out there. My dad of course the insensitive drunk at the time said "Oh quit your carrying on" about me leaving to go to my sisters house. As I was driving the fastest I ever had in my life to arrive to exactly as my friend had said it was.

    My brother in law had locked himself in the smallest room in the house. My sister said I don't know what you are doing, but tomorrow you are going to regret it. Unknowing to the fact he was in there planning his own death. She had her youngest son (5) with her and went to take him up to his bed.

    Then the phone rang. It was the police outside insisting she get her boys from bed and come out of the house. If she didn't they would come in and get her. My brother in law called the cops himself to get his family out of the house so he could proceed with his untimely death.

    I saw the kids being taken out of a trailer for my other sister to take them back to her house. At one point the cops had got there 2 dogs from the side of the house kennels and put them in my car.

    I walked around hearing the cop’s walkie talkies saying "We have him cornered and we are talking to him." So in my mind I wasn't thinking clearly and envisioned him in a corner being talked to. I didn't realize he was still in the house, with the gun. I found out by begging a police officer to tell me what was going on. My sister wasn't even told what was going on and didn't know until quite sometime later in the evening.

    For almost 3 hours we sat and to be honest with you the longer we waited we thought that he would come out, get help and this nightmare would be soon be over. My other brother in law even said that because he had called people he was asking for help. Maybe he was, but ultimately he was still lost to us.

    My brother in law called my dad, who was still at home. He was the last person to speak with him. In fact my brother in law ended up hanging up on my dad saying "The cops are coming, I have to go!" My brother in law shot two rounds into the wall and the cops then proceeded to the house.

    Finally something wonderful happened.....we were told that he was coming out of the house that he was going to walk down the driveway. Hope of his survival was restored all we had to do was wait. I remember listening to the walkie talkies of the officers at the house saying "He's coming....He's coming...He's coming....” Then in a split second we heard the gunshot ring into the cold dark night and he was dead! I remember my mom running up to my car so fast that she fell onto the hood screaming he is dead, he is dead! I immediately went into a state of shock like I had never felt before. I had the overwhelming feeling that I just had to walk away, that this wasn't true this couldn't be happening right now.

    Thirty Minutes later I returned and I saw my mom’s car there and an ambulance driving by, but no police blocking the road. I asked my mom if he was in there and she said no he is still back at the house. My mom wanted me to call my sister at the neighbor’s house and find out what to do with the dogs. She said I know that she will want us to take them, but I want it to be her choice. My friend at this point who actually had been with me all night was driving and I insisted, demanded even that he drive by my brother in laws house. I felt that if I just drove by the house I would wake up finally and then I would see none of this was really happening.

    I was wrong, it was happening and I saw him laying in a pool of blood slanted down the driveway with 1/2 his face gone. The police had spot lights everywhere and didn't even cover his body. To this day I close my eyes and that image haunts me. My sister to saw her Husband of 12 years lying there dead as she was at the neighbors across the street.

    It was the 1st time in my life that when walking up to my house I went so weak in the knees with sadness, guilt, trauma, shock, anger, despair more emotions than I could handle that I fell to my knees.

    To be continued.................................................in a Part 2.


    ~ Pam
    Suicide Survivor
    pmacintyre1980@yahoo.com
     
  2. jane doe

    jane doe Well-Known Member

    Re: The Aftermath: For those who have attempted or who suceed in taking your life. Pa

    oh god, your story is so touching, i feel like i was you in that moment, i´m sorry for your loss. i really like what are you doing for us, i don´t know how to thank you, and i want you to pm me if you ever need to talk. Really i sorry about what happened and i wish a lot of people realize what are they going to lose if they kill themselves. one again thank you;)
     
  3. Multiple Man

    Multiple Man Well-Known Member

    Re: The Aftermath: For those who have attempted or who suceed in taking your life. Pa

    I don't think suicide is selfish. I think its the ultimate personal decision anyone can make. I do feel there are justified reasons for some who take their own life. The quality of life and amount of suffering that individual goes through all has to be taken in account. Also if someone is longsuffering despite years and years of exhausting efforts mentally, physically, medically, and finacially to improve their life and situation. To save oneself from further misery and persecution to me is not selfish.

    My bestfriend shot herself in the face with a shotgun last september. She was only 20. She was a beautiful woman inside and out. Smart and very passionate about people, enviorment and animals. Down to earth and just a sweet person. She was vibrant and energetic at times. But she was extremely bipolar. She got pregnant and lost her baby 7 months into the pregnancy. She planned her entire life around her child and I know how much she loved children. She shot herself 3 weeks later. Far be it for me to judge her. She had everything to live for in my eyes, but I werent in her shoes and I cant possibly know what she was going through to make her end her life. I miss her deeply and im left with hurt and nightmares, but if she was suffering with no end in sight, I cant judge or blame her for the course she took. I have enough great memories of her to last a lifetime.

    Sometimes I feel this world just wasnt made for everyone. Especially myself. I am just not very good at being a human being and basically going through the motions of life's tedious course. I dont remember signing up to be here and I dont think anyone should be forced to do anything or live through any terrible or traumatic situation that will deplete their quality of life in such a way that they are stricken with sadness and despair. It just seems like no matter how hard I bang my head against fate, nothing in life ever changes. Maybe cos life has already made up its mind, and I really dont have a say.
     
  4. ealdc

    ealdc Guest

    Re: The Aftermath: For those who have attempted or who suceed in taking your life. Pa

    Multiple Man, I TOTALLY see your point and everyone IS entitled to their opinion, but I have to agree with Macaw on this one.

    All depression is, bipolar or unipolar, is a chemical imbalance. I could list off lots of illnesses caused by different chemicals either lacking or in excess in the brain but some of the most common ones are Parkinsons Disease, Schizophrenia and DEPRESSION.

    The unique problem with depression is that there are several different kinds, and several different medications. I can't explain why, but with antidepressants, you have to try, sometimes 10 different kinds to find the one that works for you. I have been on antidepressants since April of last year, so almost a year. I have been on two different kinds and i don't feel that much better, but I have to admit, the suicidal thoughts have diminished alot. My doctor has upped my dose from 37.5mg, to 75mg, to 112.5 to 150 to finally, 187.5mg of Effexor and yet, still not much of an improvement. I bet by April I'll be on something else.

    The point is, with time and unfortunately effort, ALL OF US can be helped. See a therapist to help you work out what can be helped in your life and see a doctor to get you started on medication ASAP. It is in EVERYONE to want to live, it's just lost in some of us.


    I am going to find the best sites, quotes and links to support what I just wrote and post it in another thread.
     
  5. Multiple Man

    Multiple Man Well-Known Member

    Re: The Aftermath: For those who have attempted or who suceed in taking your life. Pa

     
  6. ealdc

    ealdc Guest

    Re: The Aftermath: For those who have attempted or who suceed in taking your life. Pa

    i guess you're right. drug resistant eh? that is rare then. people become resistant because they become immune. sometimes the dosage needs to be increased. maybe they could use you for research testing??
     
  7. Multiple Man

    Multiple Man Well-Known Member

    Re: The Aftermath: For those who have attempted or who suceed in taking your life. Pa

    Nooooooo. Im not gonna be a lab rat. Im resistant to alot of drugs but im also sensitive to some too. Like the side effects lexapro gave me almost killed me. Which wouldnt have been that bad. So its dang if you do dang if you dont. When it comes to the issue of chemical imbalance, I just dont really know that you can give people pills to change them or make them normal as long as they are constantly living in the same toxic situation. I think a steady diet of positive trauma and thinking can go a long way. Cos it took alot of trauma and abuse for alot of people to get the way they are.

    Oh and drug resistence is not rare. Many people just dont respond to medication. Unfortunately like my former friend. Im on xanax 2mg 3 times a day. Sometimes I take 4. And other than making me drowsy, it has absolutely no affect on me or my anxiety whatsoever. Its frustrating.
     
  8. ealdc

    ealdc Guest

    Re: The Aftermath: For those who have attempted or who suceed in taking your life. Pa

    Drug resistance to all drugs is rare. Acutally, i don't know that for a fact, but i have never heard of it, ever. But i guess you aren't resistant to all drugs, cuz you said you're hypersensitive to some...

    You are right, some depression can't be cured by medication. It's all for the doctor to decide. For those who have suffered a lot, have gone through major trauma or have recently had something horrible happen, it's probably therapy that they need.

    I guess my theory is that in lots of cases, medication can help. My advice to all those people out there who are posting that they want to end it all is to get on a medication of somekind. First go see a therapist and doctor to see what they think you should go on and then start a treatment. In my opinion doing SOMETHING is better than dying.
     
  9. Multiple Man

    Multiple Man Well-Known Member

    Re: The Aftermath: For those who have attempted or who suceed in taking your life. Pa

    I believe one should exhaust every option in life to live. Im just saying that dying should not be taken off the table. It should be the last option. I really cant sit here and fault anyone for that. Some people are just doomed. And thats how I feel about myself.
     
  10. ealdc

    ealdc Guest

    Re: The Aftermath: For those who have attempted or who suceed in taking your life. Pa

    Again, you are probably right. But i don't know. Nobody does.
     
  11. nrvsreck

    nrvsreck Well-Known Member

    Re: The Aftermath: For those who have attempted or who suceed in taking your life. Pa

    I think suicide is incredibly selfish. But when one is in that hole, there just isn't anything that will guide you out. It is the end, and it seems right. Even as good as I've felt this past week, I still know suicide is my destiny, as I've always known. Life means so little to me. My step father killed himself when I was 13. I was just starting to establish a relationship with him when he did it. He was drunk one night and put a gun to his head and pulled the trigger. We spent several hours the next day mopping up the blood and scraping brain tissue off the floor of the garage. Before then I never understood depression or why someone would want to kill themself, but it was ingrained upon me that night and I'll never let it go. It is me and despite the doctor, the family, the sun, the meds... it will consume me... Despite everyone's good intentions, I can't live this lie.
     
  12. thecleric

    thecleric Guest

    Re: The Aftermath: For those who have attempted or who suceed in taking your life. Pa

    <mod edit: bunny - insulting>

    Actually, antidepressants are not terribly effective drugs. The placebo effect accounts for a very large part (~1/2) of their perceived effectiveness. And even in optimal cases, trying several antidepressants and combining them with various types of talk therapy, only about 70% of patients have a significant response.

    <mod edit: bunny - offencive> If it were easy to get better, we all would be, <mod edit: bunny - insulting>

    Oh, boo hoo. I'm a dad, too. And I'm not much of one. Will my boys be upset when I die? Probably. But would that be significantly worse than the alternative of dealing with me for the next 50 years? I doubt it.

    Remember: When you prevent a suicide, you're not magically replacing him with some skipping-through-the-clover, here-we-go-gathering-nuts-and-may, smiling happy idiot. The frustrated suicide is still just as miserable as he always was.


    All that said, I really enjoyed reading your story, and am eagerly anticipating part two.
     
    Last edited: Feb 16, 2007
  13. nrvsreck

    nrvsreck Well-Known Member

    Re: The Aftermath: For those who have attempted or who suceed in taking your life. Pa

    How bout this, "bunny"? How 'bout you moderate the entire GD post and hide the truth from everyone? How 'bout you just delete the whole damned thing? How 'bout you moderate the entire forum and pretend depression and mental illness doesn't exist? How 'bout you replace the entire forum with smiling, hugging smily-faces and goodie-goodies calling each other "hun" (yes! I'm still sick of it!)? How 'bout we just call it the "Happy Forum"?

    I'm just so sick of all this ridiculous moderation. I want to read this man's post and you moderate a quarter of it. He's telling the truth! Why not accept it for what it is? Maybe it's ugly. It sounds ugly. Maybe our lives are ugly. Mine isn't ugly, but my destiny is. Maybe our minds are ugly. Mine isn't, but many are. But, who are you to decide that? Isn't that what this forum is for? Is it, or isn't it? Maybe we should decend onto a pro-suicide forum and speak freely. Maybe there's no hope for any of us when we're made to feel like children, being censored at every keystroke. Left to be victimized by "counselers" and doctors, ... and unfeeling, insensitive, ignorant moderators.

    And, the "rolling-eyes" smiley looks happy. Screw him, get another one!

    If you must ban me, then do so, but do not moderate this post. Either delete it or post it. Do not censor it!
     
  14. nrvsreck

    nrvsreck Well-Known Member

    Re: The Aftermath: For those who have attempted or who suceed in taking your life. Pa

    Yes, well, I was hurt a bit when my stapdad killed himself, but when I think about what could've been... it could've been alot worse... for everyone involved. No real loss. People who know they need to die, need to die. For better or worse.
     
  15. MrDepressed

    MrDepressed Guest

    Re: The Aftermath: For those who have attempted or who suceed in taking your life. Pa

    you know I have to agree with you nrvsreck, those who know, know.. I commend them for being able to do what they did.. as sad as it seams..
     
  16. Macaw_Lover

    Macaw_Lover Member

    Re: The Aftermath: For those who have attempted or who suceed in taking your life. Pa

    Thank you ealdc for your post. They say 80 % of those who seek help can be saved. What's to say anyone of you isn't within that 80 %? I know however you most likely will be thinking that you are in the 20 %, but you can't think that way or you have been defeated already.
     
  17. TLA

    TLA Antiquitie's Friend

    Re: The Aftermath: For those who have attempted or who suceed in taking your life. Pa



    Man, nrvsreck has a way with words! good going, let it out...sometimes its a bitch to say the truth. oooohhh noooo the edit police may appear, lol.

    I am also sick of this happy medium, "hun-love" mood that exist on this forum at times. It seems like the moderators have a permanent fondness for the EDIT key!!!! I can see methods are dangerous, but insults are language, geezzzz!
    This is life for goodness sakes. If you cannot take what is said here, you obviously came to the wrong forum to read/chat.
    At times suicide, depression and triggers, methods are very upsetting....so is LIFE; what else is new??? This is a painful topic, It should be understood and accepted.
    If a member cannot talk here freely, where can you talk about suicide? in the closet??
     
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